30th September 2006 - 20:18 BST
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Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead. I have no good reason for the lack of blogs over the last week. It’s not like I didn’t have anything worth blogging about :o)
I could have mentioned the conker fight I had at work. I could have talked about the daddy long legs which have invaded my house and place of work and how when they get trapped in a room and die days later, their life was meaningless. Alas I didn’t, and those stories will never be revealed.
Today I went to watch Bath City play some “quality” non-league football. The weather was crap and by the time me and my friend Owen reached the make shift ground, we were soaked. Still, Twerton Park is the theatre of dreams and always provides entertaining football… ahem.
The opposition was Merthyr Tydfil who had travelled to Bath for The FA Cup 2nd Qualifying Round, no doubt the first of many steps in Bath’s journey to the final in May. I haven’t a clue who Merthyr Tydfil are or even how to pronounce their name. All I know is that they come from Wales and don’t have many fans. .
For 90 minutes we watched 22 men stagger around a grass field, stopping every now and then to wretch and collect their breath. It was bad. Whenever the ball would land in the box, they would all scramble for it, crashing into one another like a bunch of blind piss heads. When a defender was able to reach the ball, he would hoof it down field, ether causing the ball to go out the ground or reach an opposition player.
Behind me die hard City fans, mostly men in their 60’s, would yell profanities at the players and the linesman or “lino”. They would moan to each other about how shit their beloved team was playing and how they would “never again” come back. The thing is, they will be back next week and moan just as badly again.
The game finished 0-0. I am yet to see Bath score.
After today I’ll never slag off Leeds United again. I am also refusing to comment on Leeds’ 4-2 defeat at the hands of 10 man West Brom. Grrr.
Twerton Park. A top European ground
Bath City. A top European side
The Merthyr Tydfil faithful. The whole town came along.
23rd September 2006 - 19:49 BST
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What a difference a change of management makes. This time last week, Leeds were under old boss Kevin Blackwell and couldn’t score to save their lives, let alone get a result. A week later, Blackie has been sacked and Leeds play their best game since they were relegated, beating Birmingham City, a team joint top of The Championship.
Hopefully this is a sign of things to come and not just a honeymoon period that a lot of new managers experience. I don’t want to get carried away, but if Leeds play like that well every week, The Premier League will become a distinct possibility.
21st September 2006 - 21:19 BST
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Massive, massive, massive c**ts! Sky, Orange and City Link, be prepared for a jolly good telling off!
Sky. Last week we signed up to their broadband service. It was installed a week late. Since then the service has been either dead or unbearably slow. I’ve been without a connection for the last 48 hours and have had to access the internet from borrowed access points, work and my mobile phone. We were promised that we would be called today with an explanation. There has been no call.
Orange. Signed up for a contract early July. Was told that I would have 3 months free access to Orange World (the mobile internet service). Get my September bill only to find that I’ve been charged for data. Orange helpline tell me that the offer was only for 2 months and if I have any further issues, I must take them up with the shop who gave me the contract – it was a fucking Orange shop! They basically told me to piss off. The Orange shop in Bath do not pick up the phone or respond to my answer phone messages.
City Link. Ordered some DVDRs off the internet two weeks ago, they’re still yet to turn up. Apparently City Link tried to deliver them last Tuesday and I was out. No card was posted through my door, so how the fuck would I know they had been? I was promised they would come this Wednesday and card me if I was out. It is now Thursday and I have no DVDRs and no card.
So, in summary, SKY, ORANGE and CITY LINK are shit and run by massive c**ts.
20th September 2006 - 18:32 BST
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Kevin Blackwell’s reign of terror is over. The tactically inept blubbering fool has left Leeds United. The White’s can now begin their season, crawl out of the relegation zone and win promotion to The Premier League.
Despite the poor run of results, I would like to thank Blackwell for the previous two seasons, for helping to stabilise the club and for taking us to the Millennium Stadium. Just a shame it went wrong from then on.
The only thing to do now is find a new manager. Lots of names have been thrown about and I will be putting my name forward to manage the club. Based upon what Blackwell knew, I am sure that I am in with a chance of being appointed.
My past achievements include winning the league on Fifa Soccer 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 as well as leading England to World Cup Glory on Fifa Road to World Cup.
If I am unsuccessfully in my application, I will stick with my current occupation and hope that Alan Curbishley gets the Leeds job.
18th September 2006 - 22:24 BST
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The majority of my time at work today was spent browsing the internet. Searching NewsNow, the BBC and Sky Sports websites for news on, what I believed to be, Kevin Blackwell’s imminent sacking.
As the hours dragged on and nothing was announced, I became more and more frustrated and depressed, thinking to myself “when will this sack of shit leave?” What more does Blackwell need to do to get booted out of Elland Road? Kill a fan? Perform “surprise sex” on Ken Bates’ anus?
I am now starting to worry for my mental health. Since this shit season begun last month, I have spent hours of the day and night going over in my head about Blackwell. I have written over 1,000 posts on the internet forum WACCOE, slagging him off. I have whinged to friends and colleagues about him.
I need to let it go. Sadly, as much as I would like to, I cannot see that happening until I see this on the BBC Sport website …
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Leeds United manager Kevin Blackwell has left the club.
More to follow… |
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17th September 2006 - 14:32 BST
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Yesterday morning a Jiffy Bag, bearing the Play.com logo dropped through my letterbox. The package contained the highly rated Xbox 360 game, Saints Row.
I haven’t played the 360 for a few months now, mainly due to the fact that there have not been any decent games available. However, after seeing an advert on TV for Saints Row, I decided that I just had to own the game.
I was a little sceptical about this title. I am a big fan of the Grand Theft Auto series and there have been maybe titles over the years which have tried to copy the excellent game play, all have failed, until now.
While the game bears many similarities to GTA, it certainly feels different. For one thing, the handling of the vehicles is more realistic. The explosions are jaw dropping. Blowing up a car will see the vehicle throw into the air, spewing flames and debris everywhere. If you are to take up a role of an arsonist, you had better run for cover!
Saints Row should not however be looked upon as a “Killing Spree Sim" as there are some unrealistic aspects to the game. For example, mowing down pedestrians at speed will see them “comically” flung 30 feet down the road, falling like a rag doll in a heap of broken bones and limbs.
If any game in the shooting/racing genre was to give GTA a run for its money, it is Saints Row. I am sure that GTA4 (which is released in late 2007) will be bigger, better and make more use of the 360’s power. But in he meantime, Saint’s Row will certainly suffice and what with the online multiplayer option (which I am yet to try out), I can see myself playing this title for months to come. Maybe I should cancel my order for Fifa 07.
Below are some screenshots of the game.
Note: These are in game footage and not FMV,
17th September 2006 - 00:53 BST
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16th September 2006 - 13:18 BST
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I know this is a few days old, but I thought it was worth blogging anyway…
Radio 1 DJ and Leeds United fan Chris Moyles made some surprisingly interesting comments on clueless manager Kevin Blackwell during Thursday’s show.
For those interested, the clip is available for download here.
15th September 2006 - 23:53 BST
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Today I went for an eye appointment at the opticians, or as I like to call them “The Eye Dentists”. Unlike regular dentists, these ones do not gauge at your mouth with sharp instruments and cause massive blood loss. They do however cause great distress and trauma.
Upon arrival to the opticians, you sit by the reception, waiting for your name to be called. When it finally is your turn, you are asked to enter a small cubicle and ordered onto an uncomfortable metal stool. The experience can be likened to that of death row. Taking that last walk before and sitting down in the electric chair.
Once seated, the eye dentist commands that you read letters from an illuminated board on the wall. If you fail to recite what is written correctly, they make notes on a pad of paper, probably about what a thick twat you are for not knowing your ABC. If you do read the letters as displayed, as punishment for being too cocky, the eye dentist will shine a torch into your pupils. The light from this torch will equal that of football stadium floodlights and burn away your retina.
After escaping from Specsavers and recovering from my temporary blindness I set off home. The time was 4.30pm, the worst possible time to get a bus, especially on a Friday. Office and shop workers dash home to their bottles of wine and beer, they cram onto the buses, which are already full of school children.
On the journey home the bus stopped by the park. A rather large lady climbed aboard. There were no seats left. Everybody looked at one another, all thinking the same thing “Is she pregnant or just a fat bitch? Should I give her my seat?” Somebody near the front offered the bloater a seat which she gratefully took. I still do not know whether she was pregnant or just fat, but as a rule, I would rather see a pregnant woman standing than a fat lady sitting down crying. I do actually think she probably was expecting a child… adopting.
I am still having major internet problems. Originally I blamed the Belkin bridge, and as you can see below, it nearly took a trip to the local sewers during some frustrating periods. After investigation however, I have learnt that the cause of the problem is probably the shit wireless router provided by Sky. They always say “you get what you pay for”. Well, we paid fuck all for this router, and at the moment, that is what we are getting.
"ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING WORK OR AM I GONNA HAVE TO DROWN YA?"
Currently, the south of Bath city centre is like a building site.
It's like they're digging up a mass grave.
14th September 2006 - 23:50 BST
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The engineer has finally got around to trundling down to my local telephone exchange to switch me over from FirstNet to Sky Broadband.
I was promised 16mbps broadband, reliability and free sex (OK, maybe not that last one). What I now have is somewhat different and I am not impressed. At this moment in time I am unsure who my finger of blame shall be pointed at – Sky or Belkin, my network bridge manufacturers. At the moment I’ll stick to blaming Kevin Blackwell.
I have installed Sky’s snazzy new wireless router. Not a problem, they even provided a SSID and network key so I didn’t even have to bother configuring. It was literally a case of turn on and pick up the signal. The problems started when I tried to update my network bridge which provides wired internet for my PC and Xbox 360.
My bridge is now refusing to accept the new SSID and WEP code which I enter. I have tried changing static IP address, using a dynamic IP, resetting the bridge, using the web interface to configure, swearing at it, issuing threats to it's family, hitting with a tree branch. It just will not work. I also refuse to ring the Belkin helpline. Their call centres are all based in India and I would get better advice asking Aunt Mable in the old people’s home.
If this is not sorted before too long, local residents may see a bridge flying through the sky after being thrown from a first floor window. I need internet access on my PC by Monday. The new season of Family Guy started last week and I fully intend to download the latest episode.
Oh, and when I do access my new connection on my laptop, it is very slow. 16mbps my arse. That matter can wait though…
13th September 2006 - 21:54 BST
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I am ill. I haven’t consulted a doctor, but after looking at this site, it looks like I almost certainly have bird flu. I also found a few feathers in my bed, although these may have come from a burst pillow as opposed to my rear.
I seem to get a cold avian flu during September/October every year. It’s annoying, and next year I will be planning on spending those contagious months inside a bubble.
My illness has also prevented me from attending both Nandos and the cinema this evening. I was annoyed but not nearly as pissed off as Mr. Watkins who was also forced to miss out due to my absence.
Finally, Leeds lost AGAIN this evening. Nothing really to say on the matter except, if the manager Kevin Blackwell is not sacked in the morning I may be making a trip up to Leeds to have a little chat with Blackie…
I’ll leave you with these lyrics from Coldplay. They sum up Mr. Blackwell perfectly.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
9th September 2006 - 00:47 BST
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OK, here is that promised blog from Wednesday, albeit a day or two late…
Wednesday evening I went to the cinema and Nandos. Unlike the previous week, we went for our Peri Peri Chicken pre-cinema, therefore being able to enjoy it at an earlier time.
The nice waitress was there again and during the meal I had one eye on the chicken and another on her. There was another guy doing the same, but one of his eyes was glass, so he couldn’t really help but stare.
After chicken we went to watch Crank at the cinema. The film starred Jason Statham, from Lock, Stock. Statham seems to have been appearing in a lot of films over the last few years and is fast turning into the British Bruce Willis, although he’s a better actor of course, being British :o)
Without going into all the usual film review bollocks, Crank has a similar plot to Speed, but instead of a bomb on a speeding bus, a poison is injected into Statham’s body, causing death upon relaxation.
And that was Wednesday over. Of course, you all know about Healy Hobbit Feet’s great game against Spain.
Thursday. As I also mentioned the other day, I am looking for a new flatmate. Somebody came to look round in the evening. Oh my God, what a fucking freak. I don’t want to sound cruel, but there is absolutely no way I would want to share a flat with this guy…
He must have been about 40 (not his fault, everybody is ageing), but he dressed and talked like some comic book geek. He also stunk. You know when you pass a group of tramps in the street and notice an unpleasant odour in the air, well he smelt of tramp. He also wore a raincoat – it was a clear, sunny, Septembers evening. He was just weird… too weird. Not this time, not this fucking time, etc, etc, etc…
Friday. I nearly fall flat on my face at work. Wandering down a corridor I noticed that I was standing right above a massive spider. In a desperate panic to escape, I performed a kind of leap/sprint/dive out of the way. The idea that “spiders are more scared of you than you are of them” is just an old wives tale.
Watkins and Simon also came round for a few games of GoldenEye. Once again the playing conditions were very hot and humid. The neighbours and local psychiatric ward were also treated to an array of screams, yelps and shouts of abuse from the three of us.
Never mind all that drug and hyperactivity bollocks that Jason Statham had to perform in Crank to keep himself alive. All he would have had to of done is played a few rounds of GoldenEye with us. That would get the old adrenalin flowing very nicely.
6th September 2006 - 23:39 BST
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It’s late. I’ll blog properly tomorrow. Just a quick one tonight to congratulate Northern Ireland for beating Spain 3-2. A fabulous win for them.
Special congratulations must however go to Leeds United’s very own David Healy for scoring all 3 goals against Spain, a national side made up of players who can normally be seen playing for the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid, Arsenal and Liverpool.
No doubt Mr. Healy’s value will rise dramatically. Judging by what Chelsea paid for Shevchenko, I estimate Healy’s asking price to be in excess of £50,000,000.
I suppose you could say the result of tonight’s game was
LEEDS UNITED 3-2 SPAIN.
Or LEEDS UNITED 3-2 BARCELONA.
Or LEEDS UNITED 3-2 ARSENAL… you get the idea.
Well done David. You had better score at the weekend…
Sweet Caroline, Boom! Boom! Boom! Good times never felt so good…
Is the stomp dance some kind of Ulster tradition or is Healy just a fan of Hale and Pace
5th September 2006 - 23:26 BST
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Fuckola. That’s this evening wasted.
I will now explain the reasons behind my rage.
I have been put in charge of finding a replacement for one of my flatmates who is moving out at the end of September. I have drawn the short straw if you will. It’s OK though, I will have a large input into who the chosen one shall be – hopefully a young, attractive, Leeds United supporting female who will drive me to Elland Road every weekend.
I registered the room on a website and have since received a lot of feedback, mostly from students. Can they not read? The advert clearly stated “Professionals only”. Those professionals who were interested were rounded down into acceptable flatmates. E.g. no old people (aged 35+), no chavs and certainly no individuals going by the name of O.B. Laden enquiring if there are any dark places to hide in the flat.
One possible flatmate was due to come this evening. Professional. Female. Early 20’s. After she bombarded my mailbox and left message on my answer phone, I thought she was at least slightly interested in the room, I therefore asked if she would like to look round this evening. She agreed.
I went out my way to get things ready for her. I tidied the flat (probably for the first time since moving in), ensured I had dinner early and rushed back home in time to show her around. She never turned up. At around 10pm I was called so say she had found somewhere else.
Fair enough if she found another flat, but it would have been nice to know earlier. Never mind, I still have her mobile telephone number. If I am feeling really, really mean I will use it in TradeIt, 1 week before Christmas, advertising a PlayStation 3 for only £100. Hahaha.
Of course, I am only joking. Or are I?
4th September 2006 - 17:20 BST
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I was saddened today to learn of the death of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. Even though the news came as a shock, I wasn’t really surprised. Like someone who smokes 40 cigarettes a day, it was highly unlikely Mr. Irwin would reach his 70th birthday.
What a cruel twist of irony, that after wrestling man eating crocodiles, handing deadly snakes and being chased up trees by giant lizards, that it was a stingray, one of the most docile creatures he would have ever come into contact with that killed him.
At least he died doing what he loved. Better than snuffing it on a hospital trolley or getting mowed down by a truck.
I was a genuine fan of his and am not just writing this because a million other bloggers across the world will be doing the same thing. Some of Steve’s best moments I can remember include him getting chased around an island by Komodo Dragons and his exploration of a North American forest, infested with rattlesnakes and discovering, to his horror, that one was nested in between his legs.
Steve Irwin arguably increased the popularity of The Discovery Channel and Animal Planet. What will they do now that he is dead? I think they should find a new person to take on his dangerous job. How about Cristiano Ronaldo or better still, Sven, he’s out of work.
Finally, I wanted to show some of his work on my blog, but I couldn’t find any. I did however find this, no disrespect Steve! R.I.P.
1st September 2006 - 23:58 BST
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This evening I made the rather foolish decision to perform a clean installation on my laptop. It hadn’t been infected by a virus or malicious spyware, the problem was that after 12 months of over regular use, my poor system was running very slowly indeed. Opening MSN Messenger or Firefox was like watching a 95 year old woman tackling a flight of stairs. Painfully slow.
The reason that the decision to reinstall was so foolish is that it took four long hours of my Friday evening to perform. Time that could be spent in night clubs poppin’ pills and drinking Stella until I vomited - or whatever the kids are into nowadays.
The long and tedious task involved formatting a 60gig HDD, loading Windows XP, application and driver installation & configuration as well as downloading a years worth of critical security updates from Mr. B. Gates, all 57 of them!
Well, after all that time wastage, my laptop is back in it’s original state, as good as new – well apart from the smudges of food and drink on the screen and keyboard which seem to have built up over the last year.
On that note I will finish for the day, close down the laptop for the night and warn it that if it displays a blue screen of death when I turn it on the following morning, it will end up taking a bath followed by a trip out of the window.
August Blogs have been moved to the archive |
