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ay-yay-yippee-yippee-yay
ay-yay-yippee-yippee-yay
ay-yay-yippee
The Germans bombed our chippy
ay-yay-yippee-yippee-yay |
14th June 2006 - 23:15 BST
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I had the rather unpleasant and frustrating experience of telephoning the council the other day. Finding the correct telephone number and indeed a real life person to talk to is extremely difficult and at times you feel like bashing your head against a brick wall.
So, why did I wish to call them? Was it to ask them to dispose of the dead and decaying squirrel, which has been run over and is lying with its intestines spread out just a short walk from my house – no. Was it to try and blag some free money in the form of benefits – no. Was it to complain about the bin men who are refusing to take away my rubbish simply because I called them dirty, smelly wankers – no.
I called the council to give THEM money, which will then be blown on The Bath Spa Project (amongst other things). It seems that however much they stress the importance of paying your council tax, when it comes down to it, unless your situation is 100% simple they will not accept your money.
Apparently they believe that the landlord should pay for the council tax even though I have told them more times than I care to remember that the house residents are paying.
It’s like pulling teeth. So, “why pay it?” I hear you ask? I would love to turn around to the council and tell them to stick their tax if they don’t want my money, but life doesn’t work like that.
If I ignored the situation, like they seem to be doing, I would end up with a letter in November billing me for £1,000,000 for all the overdue payments (and yes council tax in Bath really is £1,000,000 for 6 months… well almost)
In the end I used my charm and they agreed that, yes they would like me to give them my money. A cheque will be in the post soon, raping my bank account of yet more tax. Why don’t I just move to Rochdale where it’s about 20p a month in tax? Oh yeah – it’s a shit place.
One final thing for tonight, I was taking the bin bag out of the bin (apparently the bin men don’t do this for you anymore) and somebody pointed out that there were loads and loads of maggots coming out of the bag, it was a fucking infestation!
Who can take your trash out?
Stomp it down for you?
Shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy too?
THE GARBAGE MAN!!
Oh the Garbage Man can
(only in The Simpsons)
Of course, this hot weather must have been the perfect breeding ground for flies, just like a bluebottle brothel! Heaven knows what dead animal carcass the eggs were laid in, I haven’t thrown away any meat lately, I don’t think anybody else in the house has either. Saying that, the chap on the first floor hasn’t been seen in a while. Maybe somebody killed him and put his remains in a refuse sack! Maybe I have just watched Shallow Grave one too many times.
Good night
13th June 2006 - 17:17 BST
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Latest fishy news - they have come out of hiding from under the coral. My guess is that they have learnt that there is not going to be a massive fish-eating monster at the surface. It also proves that the theory of fish only having a two second memory is bollocks. The only living creatures with a memory that poor are pot smoking teenagers.
They currently are darting around the tank like tiny, fish shaped Brazilian football players. It must be great fun to be a fish, no work or money worries, if you have a fight with your mate all is forgotten about the next day, not having a care in the world. Still, swimming around in your own shit and eating dried up fish guts can’t be all fun and games.
And finally, Mr. White… how long were you predicting my fish would live for? You didn’t give them long did you? Well, I’ve had them over two days now and there is currently NO sign of “fin flop”.
11th June 2006 - 22:22 BST
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For the first time in its 14 month history, Sparkster.net has its first World Exclusive. Yes, I have a story that The Sun, Mirror, Guardian and Times would love to get. It is the real truth on Wayne Rooney’s broken metatarsal…
Over the past six weeks the whole country has been on tenterhooks, praying that Wayne Rooney recovers from his broken foot in time for The World Cup.
Wayne Rooney picked up his injury on 29th April in a game against Chelsea. At that late point in the season, Manchester United had nothing to play for. They were out of The FA Cup, out of The Champions League and had already secured a place in the European competition for the following season. News of this injury was far more of a blow for England than the football club.
Sparkster.net can exclusively reveal, not only that Wayne’s foot is fully healed but that it was never broken in the first place!
In the week prior to the match on 29th April 2006, FA Officials, Sven-Goran Eriksson and Wayne Rooney met with Sir Alex Ferguson at a hotel just outside of Manchester. The FA issued a proposal to Sir Alex, a proposal that would turn out to be the biggest conspiracy in the whole history of football.
There has long been a feud between Alex Ferguson and The FA regarding Manchester United’s players being capped for England mid-season. The FA’s proposal promises Sir Alex that as of 1st August 2006 until 31st May 2007, the new England manager Steve McClaren will always consult Manchester United before capping key players for international friendlies (note: this excludes Euro 2008 qualifiers).
In exchange for this favour, Ferguson will play along with a major conspiracy constructed by The FA. This conspiracy starts with Wayne Rooney falling down after an everyday tackle during the Chelsea match. After the fall, Rooney will fake an injury and be stretchered off by unsuspecting medical staff. The media will then be told the tragic news that Rooney will miss The World Cup due to a broken bone in his foot.
As the weeks go on and The World Cup moves closer, the media will report to the world that Rooney is making a remarkable recovery, however still may not be match fit even if picked for England. Little do the media know that Rooney is actually training at a secret location with Manchester United and England team mates to keep himself fully fit.
The World Cup has now arrived and Rooney has been included in the squad. He will start all games on the bench and will only be unleashed when England need him most. In the past, the opposition have always been extremely wary of Rooney and man marked him with two of their players. An injured and unfit Rooney will of course receive less attention from the opponents.
This will allow Rooney to come on the field, be left alone by defenders, perform his magic, score a hat trick and help England to win The 2006 World Cup.
To add more evidence to my claims, last month the media reported that Manchester United club doctor Mike Stone was sacked. The reasons for Stone’s dismissal have never been made public. Stone was indeed sacked by Manchester United, the reason being that while he was never informed of the conspiracy, he did not believe Rooney was injured and demanded to undertake his own x-rays. This would have course exposed the whole plot, so Mr. Stone had to go.
And that’s it basically. Expect to read this story in all the papers in a few days time but remember, Sparkster.net published it first!
I must add for legal reasons that my story is probably untrue and that I have no evidence to back up my claims. But then again, how many tabloid paper exclusives are exactly the same? :o)
11th June 2006 - 17:38 BST
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My new fishes are annoying! They’re just sitting in the grit on the bottom of the tank underneath the fake coral.
I didn’t spend £1.50 on each fish for them just to be sitting around on their arses on all day (or wherever fishes do sit). I want them to actually do something. OK, I’m not expecting them to jump through hoops or write Shakespeare, but at least do something. If this inactivity continues I may be taking their toys away so they have nowhere to hide.
They're hiding but believe me, they are there
I’ve even tried getting them going by feeding them; they didn’t really seem that bothered. One fish did eat a flake but then spat it out again! “Fuck you fish! I prepared that meal for you and what do you do in return? Regurgitate it in front of me.”
Maybe they’re not hungry, one is moving around a little now with a long shit hanging out of its arse. To be honest if I was pushing out a turd the length my body I wouldn’t want to be disturbed either.
I’ll let you all know if the fishes start to do anything of interest like learn the Brandenburg Concerto or give up on life altogether and start floating on the surface.
11th June 2006 - 14:17 BST
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Three new housemates have moved into the flat this afternoon. They are very small, quiet and don’t eat too much. Due to their easy going nature I have allowed them to stay in my room.
They will all be living together in the tank I bought the other week. Hopefully they’ll all get along and there will be no fights or bitching within the group – I don’t want it to be like Big Brother. I plan to buy three friends for them in a fortnight.
My new flatmates are all a little camera shy and won't stay still to have thier photo taken.
This is a picture of thier cousin Mr. Chips who is not afraid of the cameras.
11th June 2006 - 11:41 BST
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I came across this news story while trawling the DVD Reviewer forums. It’s a little nasty so don’t read if you have weak stomach and have just eaten – especially if your last meal was a rare, rump steak.
ISSA KANU was in the wrong place at the wrong time. On 23 April, Kanu showed up in his taxi at the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary in the forests outside Freetown, Sierra Leone, with three US construction workers. They wanted to see some chimps, but got more than they bargained for. A frenzied attack by an angry mob of animals left Kanu dead and the three Americans badly bitten.
The chimps responsible for this horrific attack had just escaped from an enclosure, and while the incident was unusual it was not unprecedented. In March 2005, two chimps escaped from their cage at the Animal Haven Ranch in Caliente, California, and attacked a couple visiting the sanctuary, badly mauling 62-year-old St James Davis. The former racing driver lost much of his face, part of his buttocks, a foot, all of his fingers and his testicles. Like Kanu, Davis could do little to defend himself: adult chimps are far stronger than people.
Ouch! That has gotta hurt! We'll all have to remember this summer, when England are losing 2-0 to Brazil in the World Cup Semi Final, things could be worse – a monkey could be knawing on your head.
The full story can be found on The New Scientist website.
11th June 2006 - 00:19 BST
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This evening I went with my good friend Mr. Watkins to The George Pub in Bathhampton. The plan was to meet him at the train station where we would then get a taxi to the pub.
On the way to the station I came across some England fans who appeared to have had more than enough to drink over the afternoon. They had left a trail of destruction, mainly smashed beer cans all the way down the street, they then started a fight with some random bloke near the bus stop. I’m not sure whether the man was a fellow thug or not, I thought it wise NOT to get involved. Anyway, they were all a group of twats who had probably had their passports confiscated by the police. I just hope that morons like that don’t make it through the net to Germany as they’ll give the country a bad name.
After the bus journey I met Mr. Watkins at the station where we then headed for the taxi rank to acquire transport to the pub. A taxi pulled up with a strange looking driver. Now what do you do in this situation? It’s obvious you want a taxi as you’re in the queue but you don’t want to come across as rude by turning down the driver solely upon looks, so we climbed aboard.
The taxi driver can only be described as a cross between Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses, Greengrass from Heartbeat and a tramp, in fact he wouldn’t have looked out of place on a street corner in a pool of piss with a begging bowl.
The driver started talking random shit to me. I didn't know how to answer him. I had to give some response though, if I didn't maybe he would have killed me. He did seem a nutter, I found myself nodding, saying "yes" and agreeing to whatever he said.
Now, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but this driver was dodgy. Some of his offences included jumping red lights, slagging off other drivers and using foul profanities (he even used the C word). Still, jumping the traffic lights saved me money on the taxi fare so I won’t post his ID number on here, after all I wouldn’t like to see the man sacked.
We then arrived at The George, a lovely pub, especially in the summer where you can sit outside by the canal. The menu was of high quality, no typical pub food rubbish - I think it would even get the thumbs up from Gordon Ramsey. Even with all the posh nosh I still went for sausage and mash (done to an exceptionally high standard mind you).
After the food we sat outside as it was a perfect evening. Some little kid was running around, feeding the ducks, getting in the way of bikers and generally pissing off his parents, it was actually quite funny! The child’s parents were not impressed and kept on at the lad throughout the evening telling him that he is annoying everybody. In fact the only people he was annoying was them, he was causing everybody else entertainment.
I seem to remember when I was a small child my parents told me to behave in public places and stop irritating others. Thinking about it now, I probably wasn’t pissing everyone off, the only people I was annoying was my parents who had to put up with me 24/7!
Later on a terrible family turned up. You know those families on Wife Swap? You cannot believe one group of people can be so foul mouthed, thick and common – they must be actors employed by Channel 4. I can now confirm that these families do actually exist and they were at The George this evening.
The wife had a face like it had been smashed with a baseball bat, one of the side teeth was so misaligned it was almost coming out of her cheek. The others were so common they made The Royle Family (note: not ROYAL Family) look upper class.
The teenage kid was obviously set to go the same way as his parents, he showed off his intelligence and caused great amusement for Watkins and I by observing a passenger jet flying overhead “Oh look!” he piped out, “a war plane!”. A war plane! WTF! The only possible person who could use a jumbo jet as a tool of war would be Al Qaeda terrorist trying to hijack it!
A good evening out and proof you don’t need television for comedy, all you need is to go to place there thickos reside and laugh at them!
10th June 2006 - 18:21 BST
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After watching the England game this afternoon I noticed many things…
1) John Motson is the worst commentator ever. His comments are cringe worthy, his knowledge is non-existence and the man is an embarrassment. Why does the BBC keep him? In the end we pressed the red button and switched over to the FiveLive commentary – far better. I also had a quick listen to the “Children’s BBC Commentary”. I can honestly say that the kids are more professional commentators than Motty.
2) Sven is still a shit manager. His little outburst at the media the other day gave us all hope that the Swede may actually have something we haven’t seen in his five and a half year reign – emotion. While, Ulrika Johnson may disagree I am yet to see any passion from the man. Oh, and he is still tactically inept.
3) Owen Hargreaves is still a useless entity. See last month’s blog on that one.
4) The views and opinions held by most England fans change from day to day. After this afternoon, most of the supporters will be taking the attitude of “We’re not gonna win The World Cup.”. Had England stuffed Paraguay 4-0 everybody would be convinced Beckham and the boys would be Champions in four weeks time.
5) Anybody can become a World Cup referee, even if you are death, blind and dumb you’re in with a chance. Today’s official was either mentally retarded, Paraguayan or being bribed.
6) England players cannot play in hot weather.
Still, we won anyway, England will probably win 4-0 on Thursday and it’ll be all smiles again.
Even though the game was slow an uneventful I still managed to put a mix together of the game. Have a listen here.
10th June 2006 - 10:48 BST
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A joke for you all…
Three German children are in school talking about what their fathers do for a living.
The first child says “My dad is a doctor”
The second child says “My daddy is a lorry driver”
The third child shouts out “My father is a stripper in a gay club”
Everybody starts laughing at the third child and taking the piss, little do they know the third kid was actually lying. To avoid extreme embarrassment he wasn’t too truthful about his father’s occupation. His dad really is a defender for the German national football team.
And another….
A German lad goes shopping with his family. The boy goes into JJB and spots an England top, he really likes it. So he goes to find his mum and she slaps him twice and says "You stupid boy, you don’t like these people, we had a war with them, go speak 2 your dad.” So of he goes, he finds his dad and tells him he wants the shirt, his dad slaps him 3 times and calls him an idiot. Every German in there is disgraced.........
On the way home in the car, the boys dad says "I hope you learned a lesson today boy" his son replies "Yes dad I have....” His dad smiles and says "What’s that lesson then son"..... Son says "I’ve been an England fan for just 1 hour and already I know I fucking hate Germans"
9th June 2006 - 20:42 BST
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Phew! It’s been hot today. Mind you, I haven’t helped myself to keep cool this evening…
I decided that one way to survive the heat would be to buy some ice lollies. My tea was in the oven so I couldn’t spend too much time out of the house. I ran to the local shops, grabbed a couple of boxes of those Mars Ice Cream Bars, paid and ran home.
Running in this weather is not advisable. Had I been a fatso I don’t think I would have made it back. I would have died on Newbridge Hill, lying in a pool of sweat and melted Mars Bar.
My choice of tea wasn’t wise either – Chicken Madras. I love curry but on a hot day it is not really a good idea. After I finished it I was slumped on my sofa panting like a dog on heat. It took 30 minutes of sitting in front of a fan, drinking ice cold Coke and consuming my iced Mars Bars to come round.
Still, I love the summer, it’s great. I wasn’t complaining then I hope! :o)
9th June 2006 - 16:39 BST
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With the first game of The World Cup under half an hour away (Germany v Costa Rica) we must remember to be respectful of all nations (apart from Argentina!).
As the tournament is being hosted by Germany, don’t mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it. So it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it. So that’s “enjoy the tournament”, “good luck to England” a Herman Goering and four Colditz salads....no, wait a minute...I got confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war.
Sorry, only joking - had to get that Fawlty Towers reference in there somewhere :o)
Seriously, I hope this is a great tournament and we see some great games from all teams, including Germany. Saying that C’MON COSTA RICA!
8th June 2006 - 22:06 BST
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I’ve been thinking over the last few days of the best way in which England could possibly win The World Cup. Beating their rivals and exterminating the ghosts of the past.
So, here’s the plan for England’s Dream World Cup. All these ties are possible - I’ve checked them all using the fixture chart on the BBC website…
Second Round
England win their group, Germany finish second to Poland. With the score line locked at 2-2 after extra time it’s the dreaded penalty shoot out. England fans are not confident, after all we have a terrible history with penalties. England come good and win 5-4 in a dramatic shootout and go through.
Revenge for so many games, mainly World Cup 1990 and Euro '96.
Quarter Finals
England face Argentina. The game is scrappy, no team seems to be able to score. Then Peter Crouch scores a very dubious goal with his hand. The goal stands and England go through.
Revenge for Maradona's hand of God in 1986.
Semi Finals
It’s the 92nd minute. It looks like England’s World Cup dream is over, 1-0 down to France. Then a free kick is awarded. Beckham takes it and scores, 1-1. The French are shitting themselves, they don’t want extra time! The following minute the French keeper Barthez goes mental, shoves Michael Owen to the ground – PENALTY! Frank Lampard takes, he scores, England win 2-1.
Revenge for the first game of Euro 2004.
Final
It’s the big one. Brazil v England. It’s late into the game, the score 1-1. England are awarded a free kick, David Beckham takes it. It’s a good one, it catches Brazilian keeper Dida by surprise who misses it completely. England win 2-1 and are crowned The World Champions.
Revenge for that World Cup 2002 game.
For the stattos and mathematicians out there, here is how each team makes it to each stage (based upon the BBC wall chart) …
GERMANY
COME 2ND IN GROUP A
LOSE TO ENGLAND IN GAME 3 (2nd Round)
ARGENTINA
COME 2ND IN GROUP C
WINNING GAME 4 (2nd Round)
LOSE TO ENGLAND IN C (Quarter Final)
FRANCE
COME 2ND IN GROUP G
WINNING GAME 8 (2nd Round)
WINNING GAME D (Quarter Final)
LOSE TO ENGLAND IN II (Semi Final)
BRAZIL
COME 2ND IN GROUP F
WINNING GAME 5 (2nd Round)
WINNING GAME B (Quarter Final)
WINNING GAME I (Semi Final)
LOSE TO ENGLAND IN FINAL
8th June 2006 - 17:53 BST
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Lunchtime at work today I started talking to some girl about the England national team, their chances, the players and all the kind of stuff I would normally only find myself talking to a fellow bloke about. She knew her stuff and I was impressed. The stereotypical image of a female knowing bugger all about footy and only paying attention when Beckham takes his shirt off is a myth. Well kind of…
The conversation went onto the topic of Steven Gerrard and how he was quite possibly England’s best player. Another female hovering about making a coffee then entered the debate… “Oooh! Stevie’s soooo cute!”. The girl I was talking to replied “Sol Campbell is the sexist footballer ever. He’s such a hunk but is really very gentle”.
*sigh*, that’s one way to end the chat for me. It was a nice football debate while it lasted. I did learn that while some women do know their stuff, when it comes down to it they’re all the same and can’t avoid the girlie chats about how attractive the players are.
Strong, reliable centre half… also a gentle hunk???
I’ve also entered another Fantasy Football online game, this time on the Metro website. Somebody in the office has created a departmental league on the site which all the football fans are submitting their teams into. £5 to enter, winner takes 75% of the pot, runner up 25%. Better than a sweepstake in my opinion. The problem with a sweepstake is that no skill or knowledge is involved. The football fanatic could easily pick out Togo while the one who hates the sport could easily get Brazil.
Here’s my team…
6th June 2006 - 22:45 BST
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Wayne Rooney may be making a fast recovery on his dodgy foot, but if he doesn’t get better soon the England fans may have a new favourite in his place. Fellow striker Peter Crouch, once hated by England fans and loved by everyone in Scotland is fast becoming a cult hero, mainly thanks to his goals but also the robotic dance he performs every time he scores.
This dance craze is spreading faster than a sickness virus on a cruise ship. Everybody seems to be going on about it. Unpredictably there is now a website dedicated to the lanky man’s dance routine. This website, which is humorously named “Do The Crouch” features photos of fans “doing the Crouch” as well as fanart of Peter as a robot.
I had a spare five minutes so thought I would design a piccy for the site too. It’s also a free plug for Sparkster.net (but don’t say that too loudly).
5th June 2006 - 22:05 BST
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What a frustrating episode of Big Brother this evening. A waste of my time watching the show, a waste of electricity used on my television and a waste of air space to send the signal to my satellite dish.
The vast majority of the episode was spent on a “He-said, She-said” argument about some pointless comment made towards that Scottish transvestite Sam – I don’t know if it’s a he or a she.
I cannot see myself lasting the remainder of the series. Already I am not really watching it. When it’s on I find myself listening to music with the TV on mute, browsing the net or blogging about how crap BB actually is.
The only comical highlight of the evening was poor little Welsh boy Glynn finally discovering life without his mother “I’ve finally learned how to boil an egg”. He is still struggling to wash his clothes using the BB washing machine. Maybe they don’t have washing machines in Wales, I didn’t see any when I went to Cardiff last month. Maybe they just wash in sheep dip?
Those unhappy with that last comment can send their moans to complaints@sparkster.net where I'll happily redirect any issues to this brick wall...
4th June 2006 - 22:17 BST
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Well last night didn’t go to plan. DanintheMix travelled down from London for Mr. Goater’s birthday (if you don’t know who these people are, bear with me, imagine they are your own mates). I thought I was planning on meeting them in town, however due to extreme fatigue on their part that idea fell though.
I was left at home to endure the delicious smells of the neighbour’s barbecue and watch Fever Pitch on DVD (which is not actually a bad film).
Still, not to mind, Dan is coming down again in a few weeks for The World Cup, assuming In-ger-land are still in it then.
Oh, and Mr. Hobart, if for whatever reason you don’t turn up in June be prepared… you’ve seen Sexy Beast right? If I hear you’re not coming I will take on the role of Ben Kingsley’s character Don Logan. This will involve me developing a sudden fit of rage, jumping on the next train to London, breaking into your flat at 5am, bursting into your bedroom, pulling you out of bed crying out many profanities. Kapish?
Friday, Bath Spa, you'll be there
Only joking mate, if you don’t come I’m sure you’ll have an excellent excuse... You had better *waves fist*.
I’m not mental, honest.
3rd June 2006 - 17:41 BST
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Bob Marley once sung “No Woman, No Cry”; if he was alive today he may be re-writing his classic with the lyrics “No Football, No Cry”.
6 goals for England, 0 goals for Jamaica Mon! The perfect way to get ready for Germany next week.
Peter Crouch - He's big, he's red, his feet stick out the bed
I kept DJ Hobart (AKA DanInTheMix) informed of the score line this afternoon. He is travelling down from London to Bath for the night.
Dan’s journey sounded shit and I pity the poor bugger. His train was delayed due to a fire and he was stuck in the station. It’s been a very hot day and when you’re stuck in an overheated, smelly station with 1,000’s of other stressed travellers it is hell – I know from experience.
I on the other hand was in my cool, well ventilated room, full access to ice cold bottles of Lucozade Sport Drink and Coca Cola, watching the England game. I decided NOT to tell Dan this at the time as he would probably get even hotter with rage.
1st June 2006 - 22:30 BST
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With it being the first day in June I think it is now time for football fans all over the globe to start getting excited about The World Cup. I have put up the St. George Flags, dusted off my England shirts and am ready for the big day a week this Saturday.
I’m doing my little bit to back Beckham and the boys (and they need all the help they can get with Rooney’s broken foot and that incompetent manager) by turning Sparkster.net into an England shrine. C’mon England.
