29th June 2005 - 22:48 BST
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Bit of Big Brother talk tonight, yesterday saw Maxwell and Saskia both up for eviction against each other. These two housemates haven’t done themselves any favours in recent weeks and have really made it a case of ‘Them vs. The Rest of the House’. So to see one of them guaranteed to leave on Friday will be interesting.

I have never liked Saskia, she is a real dirty chav, has a terrible manner and even prostitutes herself with Maxwell in a vain attempt to win votes.

Saskia MUST leave the Big Brother House!

I have gone right off Maxwell too, when he first entered the house I thought he was an alright bloke, as his friendship with Saskia grows though he is turning into a real twat.

Hopefully Saskia will piss off back home on Friday and Maxwell will change back to his original, entertaining self and not the loud mouthed, gobby git he is now.

Now onto Leeds United, its less than 6 weeks until the new season starts and the squad is starting to look very good. A few weeks ago I was feeling a little pessimistic, especially with the sale of young Aaron Lennon.

Since then, two new players have signed, Eddie Lewis from Preston and Steve Stone from Portsmouth. Both play on the wing so manager Kevin Blackwell will be able to play super striker David Healy up front (he spent most of last season on the wing where he is wasted).

Steve Stone should play a vital part for Leeds next season

While I don’t want this to come back to bite me I’m going to make my season predictions….

Final League Position: 5th place – enough to make the play offs

Carling Cup: 5th Round (although this is a lottery, depends on who Leeds get drawn against)

FA Cup: 4th Round (again, a lottery)

The opening game of the season is against Millwall. This game is to be televised on Sunday 8th August, this creates a little problem. I am on holiday that week in a boat going around the Birmingham area. I cannot miss this game so therefore will need to ring around all the pubs on route to make sure they are showing the game. It will be a difficult task finding a pub to stop at but I am determined to succeed!

26th June 2005 - 14:20 BST
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It very often seems that when I make an expensive purchase something always goes wrong in one way or another – the camera’s flash a few weeks ago, Sky+ last year… I thought I had got lucky with my laptop and avoided any problems – I was so wrong!

The laptop is fine, it works a treat, in fact I am sitting outside in the sunny, hot garden writing this blog entry! No, the problem this time around was money.

When paying for my laptop on Thursday the first attempt to charge my debit card failed as the stores computer crashed. No problem I thought as the shop assistant assured me that I would NOT be charged and the transaction had been immediately cancelled.

Then, Saturday morning I checked my bank statement. The funds for the laptop had been debited and were on my statement in the correct way BUT a further set of funds for my laptop were “ear marked” to be debited from my account. Although this money will never be taken out, it means for up to 4 working days I will not have access to it – a nightmare considering that yesterday my final payment for my holiday in August was due!

Makes me wonder where MY MONEY actually is!

This lead to me ringing my bank and the PC retailer on countless occasions, never really getting anywhere. The closest I got was the PC Store manager cancelling the authorisation for the mistaken payment. This didn’t help.

In the end I managed to borrow the funds for my holiday, but let this be known, the PC Store have not won. They will be receiving a strongly worded letter of complaint along with a bill for all expenses incurred by myself (telephone calls, overdraft fees, etc).

Nothing ever goes right with these things!

25th June 2005 - 00:25 BST
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It’s been a few days since my last update and phew hasn’t it been hot! I really like the heat (although wish I didn’t have to work in it!) as we don‘t get weeks like this too often.

Due to the weather, a lot of people are having problems sleeping at night, I haven’t really suffered from this as I have set my sleeping area up very well. Sleeping on top of the bed with throw, wearing light clothing and in front of the massive, floor standing fan I bought last year.

Last night was too hot for me though, it was so humid. I think I only managed to get 4 hours of sleep! The air was cleared today with one massive thunderstorm, I hadn’t seen one so big since I was on holiday abroad.

Yesterday was a busy one for me, I went off to Bristol to buy a laptop as I have been meaning to invest in one for quite some time. It’s a very cool model - Compaq Presario V2250EA.

Here’s a brief specification:

- Intel Pentium M Processor 725 (1.6 Ghz CPU Speed)
- 512 MB DDR 2700 RAM
- 60 Gig HDD
- DVD RW
- 14” WXGA High-Definition Widescreen Display
- WiFi (wireless internet which is great!)

I bought the laptop from a leading PC supplier, now I know how these large companies work. If you even give the impression that you’ll take up one of their finance option they’ll roll over and shit Mars Bars with delight. They’ll also offer you a sack load of “deals”.

I was offered a nice laptop bag, crappy Lexmark printer, USB lead, useful anti-surge plug, Norton Security 2005 and a 1 months subscription to some support service (which I will NOT be paying for on Month #2)

Originally I was offered all this rubbish for £50 which I turned down. The sales assistant looked shocked I didn’t want to take up this “excellent deal” it looked like he was about to burst into tears! He then disappeared and came back and offered exactly the same package for £25. I took him up on the offer and did NOT take the finance option :o)

So I left the store with my nice, new laptop and a whole bundle of rubbish. It was like I had been shopping at Iceland (“buy a packet of Fish Fingers and get a Sunday Roast, crate of crap lager, 10 litres of ice cream, 5 beef steaks and a Cornetto free)

Apparently the package is worth over £150, I would have sooner left the crap in the store and got an X-Box which retails for £125. Don’t think they would allow that though.

So all in all I am very happy with the laptop, I am actually using it to write this blog entry!

Tonight I went out to the cinema to see Batman Begins. I really liked the 1989 movie and Batman Returns. Batman & Robin and Batman Forever were terrible though. Batman Begins was totally stunning and more than made up for the latter two.

As the title suggests the film is a prequel and focuses on how the young Bruce Wayne progresses into The Caped Crusader and takes on his first real baddie, all with the help of his faithful ally and butler Alfred (played by non other than Michael Caine) The film uses the latest in special effects but still keeps the theme from the early 90s movies.

I seriously recommend this movie, you have to see it!
That’s the lot from me, there were other topics I wanted to cover, but I’ll have to do it in the morning or afternoon. Due to my lack of sleep last night I’m rather tired now!

22nd June 2005 - 22:55 BST
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Remember back on 7th June when I wondered what would happen if you touched a fly killer designed for exterminating flying insects?

Well I found somebody who touched it!!! Better still I have it all on video for you all! You will be pleased to learn that the person touching the zapper did live to tell the tale. You can download the video here.

I must state for legal reasons and for stupid people, this was an experiment undertaken by trained professionals in a controlled environment. We do these tests so you don’t have to. If you choose to try this out yourself Sparkster.net cannot be held responsible for any death, loss of bowel control, schizophrenia, pregnancy or indeed anything else which may happen to you.

However, if you do chose to hurt yourself for fun in a “Jackass” style please upload your clips and send me the links. On a serious note – any attacks on unwilling people (e.g. “happy slapping”) won’t appear on this website but will be forwarded to the police. You may still end up on a website, but it’ll be on this website here.

21st June 2005 - 22:49 BST
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Big Brother has been good this week, a task has been set where the housemates are workers who have to perform degrading tasks such as sorting coloured maggots. The real shits and giggles part of the task is that only 1 of the 9 housemates has to do the work while the others party. The unlucky worker knows nothing of this!

The original unlucky worker was “loud mouth-cum-boring cow” Vanessa. When she found out about the maggots she totally flipped and ran to the toilets crying. When one of the housemates showed concern for the blubber-guts Derek replied with possibly one of the best lines of the series “Of course she’s alright, she’s not been bitten by a lion”. Dry, no nonsense humour at its best!

"These maggots are off the hook! I could just eat 'em!"

Maxwell took the place of Vanessa and therefore is undertaking he horrible tasks while the housemates and the nation laugh at him, the poor fat cockney.

20th June 2005 - 21:27 BST
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So Wimbledon is back for two weeks. All tennis fans will get excited about the British players like Tim Henman and how “This is our year”, like with most English sport fans it’s inevitable they’ll end up disappointed.

Mr. L'Ego is one of the favorites for winning Wimbledon 2005

I don’t watch or follow tennis, the only reason I have actually noticed Wimbledon is on is because Neighbours has been cancelled for two weeks! Typical of the BBC (still I won’t be complaining when Neighbours is cancelled for the Football World Cup next summer!).

I would like to congratulate the English cricket team for beating the Aussies yesterday in Bristol. Like with tennis, I am not a cricket fan although was dragged into watching the last half hour of the match. It was (a little) exciting to watch and good to see England beating Australian. I am informed this is the same as the national football side beating Brazil.

Well done Pietersen, now it's your turn Beckham!

There was more sport yesterday, the USA Grand Prix. What farce! Due to safety fears over tyres, 14 of the 20 cars pulled out. The FIA did bugger all to prevent this, the sport has heavily declined over the years and yesterday’s decision did nothing to change this.

Still, the best sport in the world isn’t far off. The Championship is back on TV on 6th August, The Premiership the following week. All the fixtures are released this Thursday.

There doesn’t seem to have been many football transfers so far this summer. OK, there have been a few small moves; Leeds held their annual sale selling the excellent Aaron Lennon to Spurs. Usually though there’s a big £20-£30million signing, mind you besides Chelsea it seems every football club in England is broke and cannot afford these transfer fees, let alone the crazy wages these players command.

"Boy for sale! Boy for sale!"

I expect Leeds are lining up a £60million double swoop for Adriano and Gerrard. They’ve already turned down an offer of a loan for Frank Lampard from Chelsea as they cannot offer him a regular first team place! Now if you believe all that, you probably trust Tony Blair :o)

18th June 2005 - 23:53 BST
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What a fantastic day, the weather has been so great it has felt like the Mediterranean. Anymore of it and I’ll be smashing plates, eating snails and organising bull fights.

I’ve been spending the majority of the day and evening in the garden making the most of this climate as no doubt the muggy and wet weather will be back next week.

Last night was also a great evening too, I went out for a BBQ. I highly recommend the BBQ Flavoured Burgers from Sainsbury’s, they’re delicious!

There are millions of people like me who like this heat, but unbelievably there are lots who don’t like it. If you are one of these people, I don’t know what your problem is, so in the words of Peter Kay “Have a Solero and shut the fuck up!”

More of the same tomorrow please Mr. Weather Man

14th June 2005 - 20:00 BST
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So, as announced live across the world last night, Michael Jackson has been cleared of all charges. I haven’t blogged this trial up until now, mainly because I didn’t have a strong opinion.

In my eyes Jackson, like anybody on trial is “innocent until proven guilty” and as I wasn’t on the jury and had not seen the evidence could not even guess as to what the outcome would be.

Of course his die hard fans, friends and family believed his innocence and they must be over the moon to see his convictions quashed.

I hope this whole thing hasn’t harmed his career and he can now, finally return to making music without lies and allegations being made against him.

Michael Jackson is yet to comment to the media about the whole incident, but Sparkster.net has been able to gain an exclusive comment from the "other Michael Jackson" who stars on The Bo Selecta television show….

Chamone Mutha Fucka!

I’m Michael Jackson and I’m free from going to mutha fuckin jail thanks to me main man Tommy Mez-a-ray, he da guy with tha long long white hair who look like a wizard – owww!

Now I’m out of da clink I have loads of plans for y’all. Me and Bubbles are recording a new album called ‘Inn-o-Ce’ and me main man Bobby Gel-dooorf is letting me sing at the G8 fest for my starvin’ marvin' muth fuckin’ friends!

Martin Bashier is also keen to do another doc-u-men-tay with me, hope it don’t end me up behind bars!

Now I’m outta going down I can chill and eat me Kentucky Fried Chicken. I ain’t eaten anything but carr-a-tay juice and I am as thin as that Ally McBeal biatch.

I’m off now to watch the Big Brother. That Science is one bad, invincible mutha fucka with the throwing of the bins and pouring water over Kermal. Kermal, he like a mutha fuckin man-woman, there’s lots of them doing time, glad I’m not going down now!

Owwww!

11th June 2005 - 18:06 BST
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My digital camera has been changed! I went back to my local PC World where, as expected, I was told that there were no replacement cameras in stock and I could either have a refund or a replacement from Bristol. I decided to go to Bristol for the exchange.

Off to Bristol excepting an easy and pleasant transaction. Remind me for future reference “Easy”, “Pleasant” and “PC World” do NOT go together!

While at the Customer Support Desk some charming lady told me that as I had 10% off the camera yesterday, due to it being an ex-display model I would have to pay £12.99 extra for a replacement new model. So hang on, if this camera were to EVER break I would have to pay this extra charge? Not what I was told yesterday.

When this was explained to the “helpful” lady I was told in so many words that it wasn’t the problem of the Bristol branch and I had to take it up with Bath where I originally bought the camera EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE IN THE SAME CHAIN OF STORES!

After much persuasion about the practicalities of this and what made logical sense I rightfully left with a new and working camera, still with £12.99 in my pocket which has paid for a case to keep my camera nice.

The remaining £3 was used to buy a very interesting product from The What Shop in town. If you do not know what this shop is, basically it sells a load of old tack in bulk. People go mad for the junk and idiotically fill their houses with cheap looking chairs, ornaments and pictures of holiday resorts.

I bought some Spider Repellent. Apparently if you spray it around doors, windows and any other places you would expect spiders to enter your house through it keeps them at bay.

Taking full use of my new camera to take this photo!

With the summer here and my windows open nearly all the time, these scary creatures may see my home as theirs. Hopefully the repellent will smell so foul it’ll make them turn around and go back to wherever they came from.

To me the repellent smells like a cheap household cleaner or nail varnish remover. I suppose to a spider if smells like faeces and vomit smeared all over the wall. I just worry it won’t attract some sick and twisted exotic spiders who have a fetish for foul smelling chemicals. You hear about people who like sick and disgusting things after all….

11th June 2005 - 00:02 BST
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I went to get a new digital camera today as I have been meaning to buy one for a long time. I chose to go to PC World as it is relatively close to where I live.

After consulting a website which compares cameras and looking in store I went for a Canon A75, it seemed a good choice. All was going smoothly, the camera was demonstrated, money was getting ready to exchange hands, I was happy. I wasn’t even peeved when I was told that they were out of stock and I had to take a display model, although I did request a discount and was offered 10%.

After paying for the camera, along with a 256MB memory card and card reader I went home to play with my new toy (via KFC for a lovely Zinger Burger). There I took a few photos in my bedroom, removed the card from the camera and downloaded the pics onto the PC.

This is where it all cocks up…. I discovered that the photos were very, very dark even though the room they were taken in was very much light. After over an hour of pissing about with settings and modes I realised the flash on the camera was broken, F-ing marvellous!

My camera looks like this although mine is as much use as a used toilet roll....

So now I need to go back to PC World, speak to the brain dead employees (and lets be honest, they are!) and exchange the camera, trouble is they have none in stock!

Which isn't useful for much at all really

They will of course order me a new camera which I hope to arrive ASAP so it’s not too bad. At the end of the day I suppose it’ll work out well, I was given a 10% discount for my ex-display model and I expect the replacement to be brand new. Not too bad, would still prefer a working camera now though!

9th June 2005 - 18:28 BST
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The weather has been great the last few days; it is finally starting to look and feel like June and not a damp, cold autumn morning. I’m making the most of it by enjoying the outdoors when I am not at work as it is sure to rain over the weekend with this typical and predictable weather.

With summer weather brings an increase in sea gulls. These are vicious little buggers, on my way back from work as I walk through the car park I can see them all standing on buildings and lamp posts. It’s like a scene from a Hitchcock movie. They have flown down from buildings squawking at me and do look threatening at times. I just know one of them will shit on me one day!

How I would love to sit out in my garden with a rifle shooting them out of the sky. Unfortunately this would probably attract the interest of a police helicopter which is not good!

The gull problem seems to be a lot worse in Bath City Centre which is where most of the birds probably come from. The council have taken measures to get rid of the vermin but it doesn’t really seem to be working, tourists seem to be a major factor to this. These tourists come to Bath for a nice holiday, they don’t have to live here. They see the gulls, think they’re cool and feed them. Cheers for that Mr. Tourist, you can leave after your holiday but residents here have to live alongside these vicious animals!

Anyway, that’s enough of that rant, time for something funny – unless you’re a Man U fan! Malcolm Glazer is really causing havoc at Old Trafford – what a shame! He has just recently put his two sons on the board. His sons whose only previous knowledge of football (or soccer) is watching ESPN and now if tabloid papers are to be believed, Manchester United legend Sir Bobby Charlton is going to be kicked off his position on the committee.

P45 for Bobby!

It’s all going wrong and is only a matter of time before the big name players start to leave and Major League Soccer players join The Red Devils! This is of course hilarious for football fans across the world who do not support Man Utd, it just makes you want to laugh out loud!

8th June 2005 - 22:09 BST
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Vanessa, what a stupid daft cow! She contributes nothing to Big Brother 6 and never speaks. When she does finally open her gob however she breaks the most vital and obvious rule of Big Brother DO NOT DISCUSS NOMINATIONS. Doh!

She casually told Lesley that she would be voting for Sam. Now I know Sam is as thick as two short plants and just sits around giggling, but the rules are there for a reason.

Big Brother picked up on this act of disobedience and has therefore put all the housemates up for nomination. Even though Vanessa caused all this I urge you all, keep her in! We have another chance to vote out Craig! He wanders about all day mouthing off in his overly camp voice speaking total, utter shite about how everyone he has ever met is despicable. This housemate is horrible and has to go, vote him out…. Now.

7th June 2005 - 22:36 BST
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Earlier on this week I ordered myself one of these electronic fly killer toys you can buy from gadget stores. I’ve used it last night to “take out” two moths which had invaded my bedroom totally uninvited. It worked. I now have two dead moths in my carpet (any moths, butterflies or caterpillars reading, the funeral is for next Tuesday at 2pm).

The thing that is bugging me (excuse the pun!) is I keep wondering how powerful this device actually is! The curious and twisted part of me wants to touch the metal part of the zapper and press the switch while the chicken and Marty McFly part of me is just too damn scared to do so!

Thinking of the scale of the shock, I don’t know if we are talking on the same as those tiny electric oven lighters, in which case it’s nothing scary or is it as nasty as those electric fences that farmers use to keep their cows in line and Ken Bates wanted to install at Chelsea. Maybe it’s as bad as police stunner guns – I seriously doubt it!

The level headed part of me says as it can be bought legally, without a licence and as a novelty, for a human being the shock would be just an unpleasant sensation (or a nice sensation if you’re sick and twisted) and nothing of any harm.

It really does make me wonder though what it actually feels like. Shame I’m too scared to touch it. Anybody who has had experience with one of these, send me an e-mail and let me know what it was like and how brave or stupid you are.

5th June 2005 - 11:21 BST
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The majority of the Big Brother viewers haven’t changed from last year; they’re still voting out the best characters and leaving the annoying twats inside the house.

Mary was voted out on Friday night leaving Big Blubber Craig in the house for at least another week. It was a shame to see Mary leave as she was entertaining and unlike most housemates was tolerable.

The next housemate I would like to see leave is Vanessa. Who the hell is she? She sits around all day doing absolutely nothing. She doesn’t even speak! Pointless housemate who sits back, smiles, is everybody’s best mate and will probably be in the house for the final week - typical.

Friday night I went to see The League of Gentlemen movie. In the past TV series to film adoptions have been generally poor, with the exception of the excellent South Park Movie.

While The League of Gentlemen Apocalypse was nothing superb it certainly didn’t disgrace itself and more than made up for the horrible third television series. Most of the favourite characters were there, Tubbs & Edward, Geoff, Hilary Briss, Pauline. The only classic characters missing were The Dentons which was a shame.

The plot of the film is highly original and is not what you would expect. In the past television to movie adaptions have seen the whole cast all travel on an aeroplane to sunny Spain with predictable results. This film is different, the characters escape from the fictional town of Royston Vasey and track down the show’s creators Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith to “gently” persuade them to continue with the series.

I recommend this film to any League of Gentlemen or comedy fan. Watch out for cameos from Peter Kay and Simon Pegg.

Lastly football shirts. I ordered two the other week both of which arrived on Friday, the first one being the new Leeds United shirt for the upcoming season. I’ll be honest, I don’t like it. The colours don’t look right and to wear it feels like the Navy Away Kit from the disastrous 2003/4 Season. That was the away kit where Leeds only managed to pick up 1 point wearing all season. Hopefully next season will not be the same!

The second kit I ordered is a bit of a novelty and I only really bought because it was on sale, the Harchester United kit from the excellent Sky One football series Dream Team. A friend of mine claims it is a Monkees Football Shirt on the principal that it is based on a made-for-TV football team and the Monkees were a made-for-TV pop band.

2nd June 2005 - 23:02 BST
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All the housemates in the Big Brother house are freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaks!

The housemates have been in the Big Brother house for nearly a week now and all I can say is that it is better they are in the house and out of society.

This week has been all about Makosi who was the “Unlucky 13th Housemate” and was given the task of pissing the housemates off to gain the most nominations. The thick cow failed to grasp the task and indeed the whole principal of Big Brother rules for the last five years! After a large number of attempts by Big Brother to teach Makosi the simplest of tasks she eventually managed to understand what she had to do.

She succeeded and after a number of days of acting like a Queen Biatch managed to get the most nominations from the other housemates. Therefore in passing the task was given the choice of which two housemates she would like so see face the public vote. This is where Makosi showed that her head may not just contain a hamster running about in a wheel but maybe, just maybe a tiny amount of intelligence….

Makosi chose to put Craig up for eviction. Craig is the fat, loud mouthed, overly camp, <insert your own insult here>, obnoxious wanker. He is up for eviction alongside self-proclaimed “Witch” Mary.

I have nothing against Mary, she is a good housemate who is honest and is not afraid to speak her mind, especially to Saskia who is shallower than a children’s paddling pool. I urge you all, vote for Craig to leave then he can piss off back to his hair salon, eat his pies and cut hair.