14th April 2006 - 21:48 BST
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Tried to signup for MySpace this evening, not to create one of those shite websites but to send a message to a friend I know on there. They won’t let me register, haven’t a clue why.

Maybe it’s because I am not a typical MySpace user…

a) a teenager surfer dude
b) a teenage goth
c) a teenage student

To get on there maybe I need to convince them that I am going to feature pictures of Justin Timberlake and Tom Cruise and...blast! Who the devil do teenagers like these days? Morgan Freeman.

Anyway, fuck em, I don't want to join their stupid club anyway.

14th April 2006 - 21:16 BST
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My neighbours are so cruel! There I was sitting comfortably in my flat minding my own business when I smelt something gorgeous wafting through an open window. It was the smell of a barbecue, the first time I had smelt this lovely armour this year.

Time was getting on and I was hungry, this made it all the more difficult to refrain myself from jumping the fences into their garden and hijacking the party, running off with a string of sausages and a fistful of burgers.

I had to pull myself together, so after 5 minutes of drooling out the window I decided I would have takeaway pizza for dinner. I ordered my favourite “Spice Turtle WITHOUT artichokes”. This was more than sufficient.

Gone in 60 Seconds

14th April 2006 - 19:29 BST
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Cadbury’s Crème Eggs, they’re great aren’t they! The tastiest chocolate money can buy and what’s more is that they’re better than normal eggs - they don’t come out of a chicken’s bottom and can be eaten raw without contracting salmonella.

There are however two problems I find with these tasty treats…

Firstly they are only available for sale at this time of year. It is a dream of many to be able to eat a Crème Egg on Christmas Day. Alas this is just a dream. Nobody knows what would happen if you were to eat a Crème Egg on 25th December. There are fears that it could affect the Space-Time Continuum or even cause the Universe to implode. Cadburys are indeed wise to keep the eggs restricted.

Secondly, these eggs are so small. Anybody who has ever had a Cadbury’s Crème Egg Easter Egg will have looked at the great big hollow egg and wished it was full of that white and yellow crème you get in the regulars. Alas, it’s not to be. I did come across this website where someone tried to “live the dream” of creating a full sized Crème Egg but it just didn’t look the same. In fact it looks like taramasalata smeared into a coconut shell. Yuck!

14th April 2006 - 13:31 BST
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This morning I received some terrible news. The holiday is off. Dan In The Mix has dropped out therefore totally buggering up the plans for myself and the rest of the group.

At first I was angry. I wished Dan would fall into a Scottish marina which contained a dead swan. Then the anger turned to rage and I spent hours pacing up and down the flat muttering under my breath and twitching like a mad man. My pacing wore away the carpet as well as my shoes and my feet started to blister and bleed.

I then thought it would be best to check myself into the local mental asylum. Upon arrival I told the nurse the problem and that I needed to be committed. She agreed and asked if I wanted to go calmly or kicking and screaming. Naturally I chose the latter.

I am now home, back in the flat. They gave me some pills to take. They have calmed me down. I am now sitting down on cushions, eating candy floss and listening to Enya. It has been a very busy morning.

12th April 2006 - 22:39 BST
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This week I have been looking into booking a summer holiday for myself and a group of friends. I already have a fortnight booked off work and was hoping to fit a weeks holiday into that break. We’re thinking of either Cornwall or Devon, it may not exotic but I hear Torquay has a palm tree and if “experts” are to be believed due to global warming we can expect temperatures of a Mediterranean climate.

Now it is just a case of finding out who wants to go, which places are available and which foolish property owner wants to let out his beloved, southern cottage to a party of four twenty-something lads.

Weather permitting it’ll be a nice break, I have been to both Devon and Cornwall many a time when I was a child and they are two beautiful counties. The alternative to this holiday is a week on a canal boat in Cheshire. I went on a similar boating holiday last year and it was more than enjoyable, I would just like a change this year though. Besides which I don’t fancy trundling along through the heart of Manchester down a canal which the locals use as a rubbish dump. Believe me, if the Mancs treat their waterways anything like the Brummies that’ll be exactly what it’s like.

We plan to go on 24th June until 1st July and as none of us can drive will be dependant upon the good old railway network to take us down south. This leaves one possible problem. The holiday I have planned falls right, slap bang in the middle of The World Cup.

One of the 2nd round games (which England could easily be involved in) is on Saturday 24th June with a quarter final (again which could feature England) on Saturday 1st July both at 4pm. Now either we’re going to have to get an early train or in the event of unavailability or train delay rely upon good old Alan Green on BBC Five Live. You never know, England may be knocked out of the competition before it comes to that.

Finally the plan is, like last year to bring my laptop with me so I can blog. I won’t have the luxuries of Orange 3G but have setup GPRS access though my Nokia 6230 via Bluetooth. I’ll register with Orange for the costly, unlimited usage package, update my blog and then rape them of bandwidth to get my moneys worth. Fight the power.

Phew! That was a long blog, you still with me? I’m off to watch an episode of Family Guy and then get some sleep.

11th April 2006 - 18:38 BST
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Like most people who work on a computer I get these e-mails sent from someone in the office to everybody in the department. These e-mails are then sent by the recipients to their friends in other departments and companies, who in turn send them off to their friends, family members and colleagues in other businesses.

Nine times out of ten you end up getting the same e-mail back numerous times throughout the month and nine times out of ten that e-mail was a of rubbish to begin with. The e-mails normally consist of some poor joke laughing at management or a quiz which promises you untold riches if you send it to 100 of your friends within the next hour. Failing to forward on the e-mail normally leads to threats of contracting some terrible disease and living in poverty for the rest of your miserable life. The thing is, some people actually believe that shit!

I received an e-mail today from a work colleague, this e-mail was unusually the one in ten which was actually worth opening. It made me laugh anyway. Thought I would share the attachment with you.

10th April 2006 - 21:51 BST
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These MySpace users are really starting to annoy. The owners of these so called “creative” web pages source the images for their sites by “hot linking” them from websites like mine, therefore using up my bandwidth which I pay for. I may be a little sympathetic if their sites were any good but these morons on MySpace seem to consist

a) Teenage surfer dudes
b) Teenage goths
c) Teenage students wasting college and university resources

These pages are terrible, why anybody would actually want to visit one is beyond me. Who gives a damn what Dwayne Da Dude’s cat looks like or how much Silvia the Slut would like to fuck Matt Daemon?

If you scoll down this months blog page (or have read it already) I have been messing around with coding trying to block these thieves from stealing my images (if anyone knows htaccess PLEASE get in touch) and am not really getting anywhere. Then somebody gave me a fabulous idea! Try and get these MySpace twat’s websites taken down. Here’s the plan…

For those who don’t know my images are hot linked by copying the image web address into their page design. For example, if they wanted to steal the banner at the top of this page they would copy in the address http://www.sparkster.net/images/banner.jpg.

Now, if I were to rename that file to banner2.jpg and update my website all would look normal on good old Sparkster.net. banner.jpg would still remain on the server, being hot linked by the MySpace website. My plan is to change banner.jpg from the nice, original image to something pornographic. This porn image will not feature on my website but will appear on the MySpace pages.

Then all it takes is a few e-mails to the administrators of MySpace informing them of a breach of the T&C and get the member into trouble. They’ll stop hot linking me, if they continue they will get more porn on their site until they are closed down and banned from MySpace forever. Ingenious isn’t it Mr. Bunt!

8th April 2006 - 23:36 BST
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I’m depressed. Leeds United have let me down yet again and it hurts. Today the team from Elland Road guaranteed themselves a place in the Championship Play Offs at the end of the season. Most teams would be over the moon at this accomplishment, especially with four games to go, I’m not.

Leeds took on Plymouth Argyle today and drew 0-0, a harsh contrast to when they played them just three months ago and totally took the southerners to pieces. The previous four games haven’t been any better for Leeds. Mediocre performances against Coventry, Crystal Palace, Stoke and Hull have only managed to bring 2 points from a possible 12.

A month ago things looked so hopeful. Leeds had just beaten Crystal Palace in their own back yard. Sheffield United, who had been in the top two positions in the league for the whole season were slipping. Everybody, Leeds fans, football pundits, even Sheffield United supporters were tipping Leeds to get second spot. Then the rot kicked in.

Maybe it was due to the pressure being put onto the team, maybe the players energy burnt out too early. Something has gone wrong and worryingly it has been four whole games without a goal for Leeds, five if you discount David Healy’s penalty in the 1-1 draw with Coventry.

So, with the Play Offs just weeks away what can be done? Well Leeds need goals and confidence fast. Confidence comes with goals and vice versa. I think the Leeds United strikers are currently suffering from “Peter Crouch Syndrome”. This affects may forwards in their career, the longer it goes on the worse it becomes. Talented strikers may go for weeks without finding the back of the net but when they do score that all important goal the confidence soars and they feel like they can score hat tricks in the following game and sometimes they do!

Leeds have shown they are unable to beat poor opposition in recent weeks (Stoke, Hull and Plymouth) so it will be interesting to see how they will fare against some of the league’s better teams. Their skills and endurance will be tested to the max next week as they will need to take on league champions Reading next Saturday and 2nd place Sheffield United the following Tuesday.

Based upon recent form Leeds could be in for hammering. I hope not. Now that 2nd place is out of the question and the Play Offs are guaranteed there is nothing else to play for in the league apart from pride and confidence. Now that the pressure is off I hope I can see some quality football from the boys and give myself something to smile about again. Marching on together.

7th April 2006 - 23:13 BST
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Just a quick blog to make my Premiership Predictions for the weekend, I didn’t do that well last weekend so hopefully this week will be totally different and I’ll get ten out of ten – and then wish I had actually put some money on the results!

Charlton v Everton ~ 1-1 Draw
Portsmouth v Blackburn ~ 2-1 Portsmouth
Sunderland v Fulham ~ 1-0 Sunderland
Tottenham v Man City ~ 2-1 Tottenham
Wigan v Birmingham ~ 1-1 Draw
Aston Villa v West Brom ~ 2-1 Aston Villa
Chelsea v West Ham ~ 2-0 Chelsea
Liverpool v Bolton ~ 3-1 Liverpool
Man Utd v Arsenal ~ 1-1 Draw
Middlesbrough v Newcastle ~ 2-1 Middlesbrough

7th April 2006 - 22:55 BST
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It has come to my attention that there is to be a major sporting event tomorrow. Apparently midgets dress up in clothing made of curtains, wear funny hats and race on horseback for lots of money, pride and some trophy. Millions of people bet millions of pounds on which midget and horse will cross the finish line first.

This competition/race/freak show is known as “The Grand National”. At work I was encouraged to hand over £1 into a sweepstake and pick a horse out of a plastic cup. If my horse wins the race, comes 2nd or 3rd I win money. The horse I randomly picked is called Jack Height and according to some expert/gambling addict this is a good one. Here’s hoping Jack High wins me £25 and not Jack Shit.

I was hoping to see Ruud Van Horseface enter the race tomorrow afternoon. Mind you he has a tough game coming up against Arsenal the following day. He doesn’t want to end up tripping over a hedge, being shot and sent to the glue factory.

Finally remember than Manchester United fan making a right prick of himself miming to a song? Well it pains me to say it but I have come across a Leeds fan doing the same thing. Take a look at it here, it is just cringeworthy. Maybe I have missed something but is there now an internet craze to film yourself on a webcam miming to a song and upload it to the website You Tube? I’ve got another name for the YouTube website which suites it’s users perfectly…

7th April 2006 - 07:36 BST
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Was reading NewsNow this morning before setting off for work – yes it is ridiculously early! Came acorss this story about a lot of the Leeds United players who are unwell with a “mystery virus” which could affect the Plymouth game this Saturday.

Now I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here but…. FUCKING HELL KEVIN BLACKWELL! CAN’T YOU TELL!? THE LEEDS BOYS HAVE CONTRACTED FUCKING BIRD FLU! QUICK, ISOLATE THEM AND GET THEM TREATED ASAP! ANY PLAYER WHO DIES - BURN THE BODY! WE’RE ALL DOOMED!!!

I’m such a media whore! Next week I’ll be blogging on the Iraq war, Gordon Brown’s budget and the state of the NHS.

6th April 2006 - 22:58 BST
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Well thank you to Middlesbrough Football Club for a thoroughly entertaining game of football this evening. Although I’m not a fan I was backing you all the way and your comeback from 3-0 down (on aggregate) was just superb – well done.

I am sure Boro fans are over the moon tonight after their team’s marvellous comeback. They will be experiencing the same feelings I felt after Leeds beat Southampton 4-3 last November (after being 3-0 down in the 70th minute) and what Liverpool fans felt in that infamous Champions League final.

You feel so, so happy although are a little unsure whether the events are actually reality or just a wonderful dream. You are also a little sad, after all it wasn’t long since your team was in a right pickle 3-0 down. It’s a wonderful feeling, I suppose it’s similar to a junkie taking heroin… then you have the come downs, the shakes, the cold sweats and your team losing 1-0 to Cardiff City the following week.

5th April 2006 - 22:28 BST
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Quick! Run for the hills! Lock up the doors! Board up the windows! The birds are coming and they’re going to kill us all!

Well that is what some sections of the media would like us to believe, probably The Sun and News of the World.

By the time you read this blog you will probably know about the discovery of a dead swan infected with bird flu in Scotland. The scare-mongering media have probably already spread it everywhere like pigeon faeces over Nelsons Column.

It was inevitable this disease would arrive in the UK but I won’t be worrying, sure people around birds have died from the disease but that is only those around literally 10,000’s. More people die from regular flu than this disease.

In case you are worried the symptoms of bird flu to look out for in people are as follows - wearing makeup, talking bollocks and inability to park a car properly :o)

3rd April 2006 - 22:40 BST
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I’m not too proud of my Premiership Predictions this week. Of the ten games predicted I got three results correct and only one perfect score. Not good is it! I blame Chelsea – scum! Liverpool and Manchester United tore Birmingham to pieces and all you could manage was a pathetic 0-0, London Softies. Also Everton! Why couldn't you beat Sunderland? Even Brentford took them to the cleaners! Fawkin' scouse ****'s!

Seems I’m getting a little better at Championship Manager though, shame Leeds can’t score this many in real life! Ken Bates, if you ever want me as Leeds manger you know how to contact me, of course only when Mr. Blackwell’s contract has run out, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of his fabulous work.

2nd April 2006 - 21:21 BST
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I am proof that television advertising actually works! After watching those TV commercials for the PC game Championship Manager 2006 (the one with men walking about with footballs shoved under their shirts as if to be pregnant) I decided to order the game.

It arrived on my doorstep yesterday morning and I have been playing around with it today. I am kind of new to these football management games, I did have a go at the 2002 version of Champ Manager a few years ago but never really got into it.

I am enjoying this game, naturally I have chosen Leeds to manage. I’m getting mixed results, although overall I would say I am doing well considering I am a newbie to the genre.

There are so many different conditions which can be changed and tactics to be managed. Being a football manager is a very hard job, I don’t envy the Leeds manager Kevin Blackwell, at least I don’t have any fans or media giving me grief.

One of my first games I played was against Hull City, the team Leeds lost 1-0 to in real life yesterday. I take it all back Kevin, Hull City are a fantastic side and right up there with Barcelona! :o)

1st April 2006 - 23:39 BST
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Before you read this, if you don’t know/care about computers or website design, ignore this blog as it’ll just confuse your brain…

I need help, anyone reading this a whiz on Unix or know about .htaccess?

I am having trouble with people hot-linking the images on my website, consequently stealing my bandwidth which I now pay for. The main offender is MySpace.com – bastards running their crappy pages and too cheapskates to pay for hosting…

Now, I can block ALL domains from hotlinking but that causes problems for genuine visitors who are running privacy software – something I do not want. I just want to block specific domains.

There are many websites suggesting code, my website hosts Made2Own have also been very helpful with this problem and have suggested similar code, I just can’t get it to work though. I have uploaded the .htaccess file correctly, using ASCII and the CHMOD settings are correct.

Here is the code I am using (which doesn’t work)

RewriteEngine On
RewriteCond %{HTTP_REFERER} ^http://(www\.)?myspace\.com/ [NC]
RewriteRule .* - [F]

Any reason why this would not work? It’s not working for me, any other suggestions? Please contact me, I would be very grateful. Thanks!

1st April 2006 - 19:07 BST
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Another blog for today (my entries are like buses), this one being about rubbish – and no I am not talking about that shite performance put out by Leeds this afternoon.

I went to the Bath tip early this morning, I still had a lot of unwanted things at my old house… a broken television, boxes of magazines, a broken chest of drawers and a massive, shit stained hutch which belonged to a deceased rabbit. I tried palming it off on Oxfam but they just didn’t want it – how ungrateful!

This left me the task of loading all that crap into the back of a car and being driven to the local tip where I dumped it all into a massive skip. I don’t know where it eventually ends up, maybe it’s poured into one of those 400m deep caves they had on Planet Earth last week.

It’s kind of satisfying throwing old, unwanted possessions into a big metal hole and hearing it smashing at the bottom. I wanted to chuck the TV into one but they are now collecting them to re-cycle – some people are just no fun!

1st April 2006 - 13:14 BST
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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Blog Wars Episode II: Attack of the Phones

Anyone who has read Daninthemix Dot Com today will have learnt of a mini-war between myself and friend & fellow blogger Dan AKA Obi-Wan DanHobi. If you have no idea what I am on about read this.

Dan has recently turned to the Dark Side of Chelsea F.C. after being brainwashed and now claims to be a life long fan – even though I have reports that he used to support Liverpool when they were sponsored by Candy.

"Come young Daniel, join the Dark Side"

Dan drew first blood after sending me the following text message yesterday evening
Oi! When’s the royal blues next european match?

To which I replied
The Royals? That’s Reading! Your team Chelsea will play in September. Super Barca knocked them out a few weeks ago this season.

His response was swift
Damn!

And was followed up by
I just want Chelsea to humiliate every other team on the planet. Is that so much to ask? Is it!!

I gave him a quick, reality check
Bah! You can’t even beat Fulham

I believed I was winning when I read his reply
You’re upsetting me now kitson…

Now I knew he was cracking I started the bombardment which would bring him down to a gibbering wreck.
I dunno if Simon told you… Arsenal did well. Now that is a good London based team!

The text message enraged the beast that is Obi-Wan DanHobi
They’re NORTH London! We west Londoners are sworm enemies…

I dealt the killer blow by texting him the infamous Leeds United song
When I was just a little boy I asked my mother WHAT SHALL I BE? Shall I be Chelsea, shall I be Leeds? Here’s what she said to me… Wash your mouth out son, and go get your fathers gun and shoot the Chelsea scum, shoot the Chelsea scum - WE HATE CHELSEA! WE HATE CHELSEA!

Stayed tuned to both blogs for more Blog Wars

1st April 2006 - 12:03 BST
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Did any of you fall for the April Fools joke I posted just after midnight last night? I can assure you than Jenson Button is fit and well and in fact has grabbed pole position for the Australian GP so well done to him.

Now for my weekly football predictions. I’ve ditched the Championship predictions for reasons already mentioned. So, from all the Premiership games this weekend…

Arsenal v Aston Villa - 3-0 Arsenal
Birmingham v Chelsea - 2-0 Chelsea
Bolton v Man Utd - 1-2 Man Utd
Everton v Sunderland - 2-0 Everton
Fulham v Portsmouth - 1-1 Draw
Newcastle v Tottenham - 2-2 Draw
West Brom v Liverpool - 2-1 Liverpool
Man City v Middlesbrough - 2-2 Draw
West Ham v Charlton - 2-0 West Ham
Blackburn v Wigan - 2-1 Blackburn

Leeds are about to kick off against Hull City now. Good luck to The Whites, Watford lost last night so this is a golden opportunity to overtake them and close the gap on Sheffield United (again).

1st April 2006 - 00:03 BST
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I’m just off to bed now but I have heard just some breaking and very worrying news come through on TV…

Apparently there has been a terrible F1 accident involving Button. The full extent of the accident is unknown but I am sure more will come through during the night and tomorrow morning, I hope really hope all is OK.

I managed to get a screen grab of the accident here. Check out any news sites and channels for updates - worrying times indeed. :o(

March blog entries have been moved to the archive