Prince Harry

Am I the only one to feel a little annoyed with the Americans for the whole Prince Harry in Afghanistan farce? First of all, Hazza finds himself fighting in their illegal war, and then the Yank's dim-witted media leak the story which the British press agreed to keep secret.

Anyway, he’s being sent back to England because it is feared he is at more risk of being killed than regular soldiers - not because he is the grandson of the Queen, but because he is a ginger.

Be Kind Rewind

Disappointing for a Jack Black movie. The remake of Ghostbusters was funny, though.

Taking the piss

You may remember last week when some colleagues of mine tried to put a massive spider on me. Well, I had my revenge on Sam (the ringleader) this afternoon...

A member of staff is leaving the office tomorrow, and in preparation for the departure, we were asked to blow up balloons. Adam, another colleague of mine, decided to put some hand wash on a balloon and ask Sam to inflate it, causing an unpleasant smelling experience. The outcome was so much better!

When picking up the balloon, the cleaning fluid fell onto Sam’s hands and work surface. At first he accused me of handing him a salvia-filled balloon, but we went on to trick him that the fluid was actually piss (we wanted to say semen, but though that was going too far). Needless to say, he was a little disturbed about his hands, shirt and desk being covered in, what he thought was human urine.

It was only when he went to wash his hands with the same detergent which had been placed on the balloon, that we told him the true story. :o)

Yawn

I spent a whole day attending mandatory staff training. If only someone could market the courses in pill form - they would make excellent sleeping tablets!

Good vs. Evil

This evening I joined fellow Bath City fans at Twerton Park. City weren’t playing; instead our inferior tenants, Team Bath, faced a crucial “top of the table clash” against Kings Lynn. Lynn are a famous and historic non-league football club, and their fans have a good relationship with City supporters.

Team Bath are a university project, part funded by the taxpayer. This financial advantage has seen them climb the football pyramid at an alarming rate. The club is looked down upon by many non-league football fans as they are more of a “project” than a “football club”. Their support is very poor, even for non-league standard.

Throughout the game, the City fans joined the travelling supporters in cheering on Kings Lynn. It isn’t usual to see a lot of Team Bath supporters, in fact we were lucky when we found 1. I say “lucky”... this fan didn’t take too kindly to going a goal down and having a man sent off and reacted by hurling personal abuse and threats towards an innocent Kings Lynn fan, who was simply enjoying the game. What a nice man.

For the final 10 minutes, we moved behind the dugouts to see how the Team Bath management team were coping with being 2-0 down. Our support for Kings Lynn continued, and we were rewarded when they were given a penalty, which they converted, making it 3-0. At this point, Team Bath head coach Andy Tillson, had a go at ME for not supporting HIS team and questioned my reasoning for attending the game.

Team Bath very rarely get any support to speak of, and when Tillson was asked by a fan if he could handle a crowd, he replied "I would rather not have one"... sums it up really!

With my hand on my heart, I can honestly say, throught the whole match, I did not swear, use any personal insults towards Team Bath staff or players, or incite trouble. I was simply joining Bath City in supporting Kings Lynn - a proper football club. If the Team Bath staff cannot handle the support from football fans, they should quit the game.

I wasn’t the only fan to receive a telling off. Other City fans were on the receiving end of a lecture and I even heard reports of fans being sworn at by Team Bath fans and staff (although for legal reasons, I cannot verify this).

The game ended Team Bath 0-4 Kings Lynn.

As I left the ground, the travelling supporters thanked my fellow fans and me for our support. What a nice gesture. A million miles away from what I heard from the Team Bath bench.

Good luck, Kings Lynn!

Obviously the Team Bath bench didn't read the sign

Worrying news!

I have just read you can die from eating too much cake! :o(

Kop that!

I spotted this at St. Albans football ground where I watched Bath City win 2-1. It’s hardly the infamous THIS IS ANFIELD sign, is it! :o)

Jimmy Carr

I went to see Jimmy Carr this evening at the Bath Pavillion. Having seen him last year, I am pleased to report that the 2008 show is just as funny. Unlike last time, I can’t remember all the jokes he told, so won’t be reciting endless pages of them onto my blog. Most of this show, however, was spent heckling with the audience.

This heckling covered animals, children, panda, whales, and for some strange random reason, carpets (yes, the stuff you put on the floor!).

The Pavillion can only be described as a hall where you would expect to have a school assembly. Unlike last year, someone thought it would be a good idea to cover the ceilings and walls in bed linen. This trapped the heat and made the room like a tent. When 1,000 people are in a small room, with little space for heat to escape, it got very hot.

The drinks were very expensive - £3.00 for a can of lager. The queues for the toilets seemed endless. Therefore, at the interval, I went to the Sports Centre to use their facilities before heading to a local off licence to buy some Grolsch which was far cheaper than in the Pavillion. Call me a pikey for sneaking it back in (using the inside of my coat), but 89p a can V £3.00 a can – I know who’s winning!

At the end of the show, I queued to get a DVD signed by Jimmy. Everyone he spoke during the show got the piss totally ripped out of them, mainly because they didn’t speak the Queens English, or as it is now known “Carr’s English”. I was expecting to get stick myself. I was proven wrong. Offstage, Jimmy Carr is a totally different character. He is very appreciative of the fans, was happy to sign merchandise and thanked each individual for coming. The politest person I have met in some time.

Not a druggie

As the blog above mentions, I went into town this evening to watch Jimmy Carr live. I had planned to walk in with Simon and meet him at 7pm near to his house. Simon was fashionably late, so I was forced to wait on the street corner. Not wanting to be mistaken for a prostitute hanging around the traffic lights, I decided to explorer a local corner shop and buy some chocolate.

As I walked into the shop, my movements were tracked by the shop assistant. As I approached the confectionary counter, he continued to stare and remarked that my eyes looked red. “Here we go”, I thought to myself. He thinks I’m a crack head who is going to rob him and rape his daughter.

I pointed out that I wasn’t under the influence of narcotics. He then laughed and told me how I didn’t look like the kind of person who would take drugs and that I was probably just tired (which I was). He went on to say “You probably saw me and assumed I thought I knew about drugs; I used to live near people who took them”. The man was Asian, but I never made the connection. He obviously assumed I did. Shit, man – he made ME feel bad!

While waiting for Simon, I stayed in the safety and warmth of the shop, chatting to my new friend, and was given some valuable advice – computers are bad and they damage your eyes. Looks like I’ll be handing in my P45 on Monday.

That's Numberwang!

That Mitchell and Webb Look returned for another series this evening. Some great new sketches including

• The Helivets - airborne vets. They may have a helicopter, but they can’t bring dead dogs back to life.
• The Carry On movie style hospital – Robert Webb does not understand innuendos!
• The advert for Sky Sports 4 – a favourite of mine from the radio and live show

As well welcome returns off
SIR DIGBY CHICKEN CESAR!!!

Very good as it was, it does make me wonder if the shows creators have been watching a bit of South Park. A sketch featuring a character with an arse for a face is exactly the same as a SP episode from a few years ago, along with joke about bizarre hidden images in the famous Last Supper painting.

Permission to kill

No sooner had I recovered from my encounter with a spider last night, another comes far too close for comfort!

Sam from work thought it would be hilarious if he brought a spider in from outside to play with. For some reason, Sam isn’t scared of handling large, hairy, dangerous animals and happily let the spider run all over his hands and around his back, like a scene from that Indiana Jones film – disgusting!

The spider was THIS BIG

At this point I fled for the kitchen; barricading myself in with chairs, refusing to return until I was assured the arachnid had been sent into the depths of hell from whenst it came.

I eventually braved the office I discovered the beast had been contained in a make-shift cage. Still very wary, I insisted that it be sent outside for extermination. During the spiders exit, I nearly caused the death of another colleague by attempting to throw an answer phone at him (I forgot it had wires coming out of it, and it went nowhere).

I now need a way to seek revenge upon my colleagues and punish them. I think “death by gun” is a justified response.

Winter wonderland

My kitchen floor is covered in snow. I have been cleaning out my freezer, and instead of taking the conventional method of defrosting the whole thing, I took a knife and brute force too it. The result – lots of chunks of ice flying all over the place, a wet floor and freezing hands!

Sometimes they come back…

Last night I found a spider in the kitchen. It was about this time a year ago that I was hit by a massive plague of 8-legged evil. I hope and pray that I am not about to have a repeat of last year's events.

Bath City 2-0 Welling

Bath City finally won a game after what seemed like an eternity (it was in fact only 5 weeks, but when you’re used to such attractive football, you miss the victories).

The game was played on a sunny, yet crisp winter’s afternoon. Welling, who had already beaten City earlier in the season, have been struggling this season and were fortunate to get a victory back in September.

From the kick off, there only looked like one winner and before the half time interval, fans’ favourite Scott Partridge gave City a lead with a superb goal. Scotty had only recently returned from a nasty neck injury which kept him out for almost 9 months and even threatened to end his career.

Those fans that feared the shiny–headed striker had lost his skill had their worries erased in the second half when Scotty scored an absolute cracker of a goal – one of the best I have ever seen at Twerton Park. Had that Ronaldo child scored it, Sky Sports would be playing it repeatedly for weeks to come. It really had to be seen to be believed.

The goal was followed by a celebration Arsenal’s Emmanuel Adebayor would be proud of. Instead of running around the ground like an aeroplane, hugging his team mates or performing a circus trick; he stood still, staring at the crowd as if to say “Yes. I really am THAT good!” His pose didn’t last long, as he was launched into the air by his celebrating team mates, just as thrilled by the goal as the ecstatic fans.

The game ended 2-0. 2 goals. 3 points. Back in the play offs. Proper job.

Trust No 1

I am more than a little happy this evening. After browsing IMDB, I have learnt that the brand new X-Files movie WILL be released this summer! Oh-my-fucking-God! I know it sounds incredibly sad, but I cannot emphasis enough how excited I am about the return of The X-Files.

I was already counting down the days to Indiana Jones, Batman and the new Bond movie, but X-Files will surpass them all.

Time to dig out the X-Files DVDs again and re-cap some wonderful, classic moments in time for the summers release!

Funny things

Some e-mail funnies I was sent recently (click on the thumbnail to get the full thing).

Blue Moon

I need to post my disgust at Manchester City Football Club. This afternoon they played their superior rivals, Manchester United in a very special game – one to mark the 50th anniversary of the 1958 Munich air disaster.

Obviously Man City manager, Sven and his players didn’t read the script delivered by the Old Trafford paperboy, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer; which stated
“THIS GAME IS IN MEMORY OF THE BUSBY BOYS. YOU MUST BOW TO MANCHESTER UNITED AND LET THEM WIN MY A MARGIN OF AT LEAST 5-0”.

Manchester City disrespected these rules altogether and went to Old Trafford and did the unthinkable – scored 2 goals and stole 3 points. For shame.

It isn’t just Man City who are to blame; the referee has a lot to answer for; he didn’t even give the home side a penalty! In his defence, I think the sponsor-less Man Utd shirts must have confused him.

Still, this treachery from Man City cannot be forgiven and I predict a harsh and deserved punishment from the FA. Manchester City must be relegated from the Premiership and start then 2008/9 season in the Unibond league. This is the only way to prevent future Man Utd celebrations from being marred in this way again.

National Treasure

This evening I went to see National Treasure: Book of Secrets at the cinema. I haven’t been to the cinema in a while and was surprised at the new “price structure” - £7.00. That’s bloody extortionate! No wonder people pirate films!

Anyway, the film was good - kind of a mixture of Indiana Jones, Oceans Eleven and James Bond. Some interesting facts I found out having watched it...

• Anyone can meet the President of the United States simply by sneaking into his party in a dinner jacket
• Likewise, you can get access to the Queen’s private quarters by hiding in a “dumbwaiter” lift
• Everyone in England either speaks like Queen Liz or a character from a Guy Richie movie
• You may have enough gadgets to make James Bond jealous, but you still don’t have a camera phone
• The elderly make surprisingly good adventurers
• If you and your wife are having relationship problems, forget marriage counselling; simply go on a long and dangerous adventure - a guaranteed way to solve your marital problems.
  

Creature comforts

Once a month, a man visits our office selling books, novelties, gadgets, etc... mostly all a load of crap.

This time, however, I found something of interest - a microwavable lavender bottle. It is basically a soft bag filled with smelly things, which you stick inside the microwave and heat up.

Yes, is very girly and a little bit gay; but I like it, and after a few colleagues put their name down to buy one, I plucked up the courage to order one too (I didn’t want to be the ONLY one buying it!). I am now thinking of being ironic and snuggling down with my “hottie bottie” and watching a masculine film like Die Hard, while drinking 10 pints of Stella.

My trip to Wembley

Last night I visited Wembley Stadium to watch my first ever live England game – a friendly against Switzerland. Having watched lots of league football with Leeds United and even more non-league with Bath City, I was keen to see what all the fuss was about and watch how football really should be played (according to the press).

The coach left Bath just before 2pm and was late arriving into Wembley due to getting caught in rush hour traffic. We were able to park right by the ground, which was very convenient – no messing around in tube or bus stations.

The stadium look very impressive, especially illuminated in the night sky. The shear size of it is also surprising. After climbing many, many flights of stairs, we found our seats very easily (so far, so good).

We then went in hunt off food. The menu was limited to burger and chips, fish and chips or chicken and (you’ve guessed it) chips. Whatever you ordered, you weren’t left with much change from a tenner. The queues to buy food were very long, the service was slow, and the availability of cutlery, tomato ketchup, straws, etc was very poor.

I used the toilets once, pre-kick off. Watching non-league football most weeks, I have seen some disgusting toilets which would even be frowned upon on the continent. Wembley’s were very nice though, and the hand dryers were cool – so powerful they nearly blew my arms off.

The match was preceded by a minutes silence in memory of the Munich air disaster 50th anniversary. The silence was cut short after 20 seconds due to a very small number of fans disturbing it.

Watching England live is very different to watching them on TV; mainly as you haven’t got the senile John Motson spouting sewage for 90 minutes.

England were reported by the media to have played poorly, and I would have to agree. Jermaine Jenus appeared to have a good game and Wayne Rooney tried hard. Ashley Cole was absolutely shocking and was booed after being substituted. Still, it doesn’t matter if you’re a crap footballer, as long you have a beautiful wife... oops, sorry Cashley!

The overall atmosphere was rather sterile. When the England fans did make noise, it was either boos out of frustration, unimaginative chants or attempts to wind up the travelling Swiss.

The journey home seemed to take forever. The motorway coming out of Wembley was heavily congested, mainly due to maintenance work being carried out. If this was planned work, the man who decided to carry it out on the same night as an England game needs shooting. At 2am the coach arrived back in Bath. It had been a long, long day

I am an England fan. I wish them well. I will probably go to watch England again, but give me club football over international any day of the week.

Just got home

Very tired. Time for bed. Thank fuck I don’t have work in the morning!

Wem-ber-ley

I'm off to Wembley tonight to watch England against Switzerland. Like new manager, Fabio Capello, it is my first trip to the new stadium. Unlike Mr. Capello, I will be travelling on a National Express coach. It leaves Bath just before 3pm and arrives back in the middle of the night (I'm off work tomorrow!).

Having not been to the home of football before, I do not know what to expect; besides overpriced hot dogs and chicken nuggets. I have no idea where I am sitting or what the view will be like. I still haven't ruled out a late call up by Capello.

Finally, I am aware there is a minutes silence for the anniversary of the Munich tragedy. Many "friends" have promised to call my mobile during this silence, If you are planning on doing this, and then watching my embarrassment live on BBC1, forget it – my phone will be turned off and as silent as the fans within the ground (well, maybe not the Liverpool ones).

Meet the manager

Tonight down at Twerton Park was the annual Bath City "Meet the Manager" evening. This is where manager, John Relish and coach Adie Brittain, give up their own free time to spend and evening with the fans, answering any questions which they may have. A highly honourable gesture and one you would not get from most other managers in the division, let alone old Red Nose at Manchester United.

For those of you who have any interest in The Romans, some of the major points raised were.

• Despite rumours of an exit, the excellent Chris Holland could well sign a new contract and play next season.
• Pacey winger and fans’ favourite, Craig Davidge, left as he wanted to start every game –something which could not be offered at City.
• Mike Green departed as he could not get into the team. If he improves, he may return.
• The club have succeeded all expectations this season, and promotion is now being considered.
• The support from the fans, especially those who travel away, was highly praised.
• The management always expected current league leaders, Lewes, to win the title. They also predict Havant to win the league next year, following their massive payday at Anfield.

Following the events at Leeds last week involving Dennis Wise, it is nice to see there is still some loyal and good people left in football. Thank you John and Adie.

My new colleague

Wilson is the latest addition to the IT Support Team.

Do we have too much time on our hands? Absolutely not...

Service with a smile

Why do I live in an area where all local businesses are crap?

I was planning on spending an evening down the pub, but when I arrived, it was full off old people having what can only be described as a drunken barn dance. Following last weeks Australia Day, I am not happy.

We decided to pick up some drinks from the shops, take them back to mine and watch Match of the Day. First of all we tried the off licence. They had closed early. Then I went across the road to the grocery store, Coopers. I picked up some Bulmers which was on offer. The checkout idiot put the bottles through at the regular price, and it took 10 minutes of haggling with some slag-bag of supervisor to get the cider at the advertised price. This isn’t the first time this has happened; only last Friday an identical incident took place when buying half priced yoghurt.

Why do I bother?

• 7 hour round trip to deepest Essex
• Absolutely freezing weather
• Numb hands after filming the game
• Only Magners or Stella to drink
• Only dog burgers and plastic sausages to eat
• Shit ground, no fans
• Terrible performance
• Thurrock 1-0 Bath City

I also had a rather bizarre encounter with a set of Thurrock fans...

Firstly, some old fan approached me and started moaning about how it took him an hour to get out of Bath when he came to Twerton Park last year. It was almost as if he was looking for an apology from me!

On the way out of the ground, another Thurrock fan came over. He muttered something in an inaudible Essex accent, I just nodded and said “yes”. Mark, a fellow City fan was able to communicate with the being. Turns out the conversation went as follows

Essex man: “You have a long journey home.”
Mark: “Yeah, I’m not looking forward to it”
Essex man: “Well we had to do it when we came to see you!”

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise on behalf of God for making the county of Essex so far away from Somerset, and causing great inconvenience e to the great supporters of Thurrock FC. If I had my way though, I would move Essex even further east... into the sea.

Beckford stays!

Phew! It looks like Leeds survived the transfer window and kept their prolific striker, Jermaine Beckford. They even signed a little friend to partner him; Anthony Elding – 26 goals in 52 games. A strike partnership of Elding and Becks sounds absolutely lush!

Anthony Elding - likes scoring goals and eating pies

Leeds also signed super, super defender Lubo Michalik from Bolton. You may remember him from last season when he scored against Chelsea, helping Manchester United win the league... I suppose nobody is perfect.

Lubo! Lubo! Lubo!

The only man to depart Leeds has been Dennis Wise, and he’ll be missed about as much as al-Qaeda’s Abu Laith al-Libi.

Some teorrist. Did not sign for Leeds United... because he's dead