A Series of Recent Events

I was planning on writing an extensive blog on all the events from the weekend, but quite frankly, I can’t be bothered right now. I think I may be ill. I have a headache, sore throat and don’t feel well. My medical diagnosis points to a cold, but I am not ruling out a case of bluetongue.

So, like a lazy blogger, will just be summarising the last few days…

Fifa 08 & Halo 3
Both excellent games. Why do they have to be released in the same week!? I keep beating people at Fifa online; unfortunately I’m not as good on Halo.

Dennis Wise
Dennis Wise (the hamster, not the manager) has been unwell. He had the shits. I think I fed him too much lettuce - so much for “Five a day” being a good idea. He’s firmed up now and is pooping hard pellets.

Burgers
Simon and Watkins came round on Friday night, and we cooked burgers. My flat now stinks of beef. Never again will I be cooking that many. I also forgot to fit the drip tray to my grill – liquid fat went everywhere! Never, ever again!

Bath City
I went to Truro to watch City in the FA Cup. Crap game, horrible ground and some nasty fans. Only plus points being Bath won (just), they were selling Cornish pasties and had Thatcher’s cider on tap.

Leeds United
Lost their 100% record after drawing 1-1 with Gillingham. Ref was apparently a useless toerag and sent two Leeds players off. Dennis Wise (the manager, not the hamster) must have been furious; jumping up and down, his eyes wobbling all over the place.

Chelsea
Hahaha – going down with the Derby!

Dedication’s What You Need

Sorry about the lack of recent blogs; later this evening or tomorrow, I will blog about the last few days; including my two new Xbox 360 games (Halo 3 and Fifa 08), the dodgy bowels of Dennis Wise (the hamster, not manager) and last nights adventures with Simon and Watkins.

I’m up at this ridiculously early time because I have to go to Cornwall. Bath City are playing Truro in the FA Cup 2nd Qualifying Round. Dedication or stupidity? You decide.

Dirty Tramps

I had to go into town his afternoon to buy Halo 3 (a game I’ll blog about later in the week). The visit reminded me why I visit the city centre as little as possible.

While sitting down, enjoying a snack from the bakery, Sam and I were approached by an old tramp. Like most “crustys” in Bath, this one wanted money. Anyone who has been to any city, anywhere in the world will have been approached by a beggar asking for money to “buy a cup of tea”, “get a bus home” or simply requesting some “spare change”. You always know the money is going to end up fuelling the drugs industry. Today’s tramp, however, was a little more honest. He approached us, and without beating about the bush, came out and said “Can I have some money for some weed?” I commended him on his honesty, but still gave him fuck all.

Then, while boarding the bus home, my journey was delayed by some awful woman. There was some confusion when purchasing her bus ticket, and when it looked to have been resolved, she continued to moan to the poor bus driver about what a rubbish day she had just had. This went on for a considerable amount of time, with 30+ people were sitting on the bus, waiting to get home. It was as if nobody else was on that vehicle but her, and the driver was her agony aunt. Selfish biatch. She looked a minger, too. If you buy a copy of “The Oxford Picture Dictionary”, and look up “Chav”, you will find a photo of her.

Later on, Simon and I went to The Dolphin for a couple of pints and some dinner. While enjoying our food and drink, we watched the Carling Cup goals coming through on Ceefax – no expense spared down in my local pub! Very pleased that Manchester United lost to Coventry City, although if you try to wind up any ManU fan, they’ll tell you they don’t give a shit about the competition. Inside though, they’ll be crying.

He's Still Alive

My new hamster’s name is now officially DENNIS WISE, in honour of the great Leeds United manager, and the fact they both have wobbly eyes. Many people I know have threatened to call the RSPCA, simply because of my choice of name - a tad unfair, I must say.

I have owned many hamsters as a child, but these died and had some unfortunate accidents; rolling down the stairs while inside their exercise wheel, jumping off a balcony, falling into a bowl of washing up liquid and taking a swim in a fish tank. All these events, surprisingly, left the poor creatures unharmed.

To avoid any further accidents, I checked out this website. I was most amused by this Q&A.
Do I need to clean my hamster?
Hamsters don't need to be cleaned, they can clean themselves with their paws.
I’m finding all sorts out about hamsters, I never knew before!

Wisey is currently safe and well, and running in his wheel. He never stops moving, apart from this afternoon when he was fast asleep and I woke him up. Annoyingly for Dennis, now he is awake and ready to play, I can’t be arsed to get him out!

My New Flatmate

Introducing my new hamster! Don’t ask why I bought it, I just did. He is currently unnamed, but on the naming shortlist is

1) Dennis (Wise)
2) Gus (Poyet)
3) Phil Walsh
4) Dave
5) Simon
6) Samprass
7) Father Jack

He hasn’t bitten me once (yet), despite being woken from his slumber on a number of occasions. When not sleeping, he is extremely erratic, climbing on his bars and he’s running in his fucking wheel – a very noisy habit, and one he’ll be prevented of doing at night (I’ll disconnect it from the side of the cage).

More on the hamster in future blogs. Feel free to suggest names for him, or start taking bets on his lifespan under my care. Skybet are currently offering odds of 3/1 on 2 weeks.

Found: XBox Headset

I found my missing headset last night. Somehow it made its way into my socks drawer. How the hell it got there, I do not know. I blame the Underpants Gnomes.

Wii Love It

I had a go on the Nintendo Wii for the first time tonight. I was playing Mario Strikers - a strange football game, very original, but with a rather Japanese/Yank stance on the beautiful game. Basically it was very, very strange.

The controller was weird, but after much cursing, I finally mastered it. I do, however, struggle to see how so many people lose grip of their pads and end up smashing TVs, windows and each others skulls. The strap fitted comfortable around my wrist and was in no danger of flying away. I can only assume those who did cause “Damage by Wii” were either
1) Drunk
2) Retarded
3) Hoping to put a dodgy insurance claim in

All in all, a fun bit of kit, and guaranteed fun when lots of friends are round, or when you come back from an evening at the pub. If like me, you want serious gaming, buy an Xbox 360.

A Glass Of Suffolk Piss

This weekend’s “meet-up” with Simon and Watkins took us to The Globe pub. A regular favourite of ours, which for some reason, we hadn’t attended in quite a while.

Regular readers of my blog will know I am a fan of The Globe’s infamous Hunters Chicken dish. On my last few visits, however, I have gone for either steak or pie. Last night I went back to the favourite dish. It must have been 12 months since I last ordered the chicken delicacy, and yesterday’s offering was just as nice as I remembered it to be.

Along with our meal, Simon and I bought Suffolk Cider. I was not aware that the county of Suffolk was famous for its cider, and after drinking it last night, I now know why. Mr. Thatcher and Sir. Sheppy don’t have to worry about losing any of my custom to that Suffolk piss. I’d even drink Strongbow before I bought another bottle of what I had last night!

After the meal, we drove back to my flat. Watkins was going to come in, but then discovered Simon and my terrible secret plan… to watch Match of the Day. As soon as the hint of football was mentioned, Johnny McWatkins hopped back into his car, and sped back home to Wells, leaving Simon and me to watch the football highlights on our own.

What's It Like To Lose?

I still haven’t had an excuse to moan about the football this season, with both Leeds and Bath City winning again. I’m beginning to forget what it’s like to lose a game!

City beat St. Albans 3-0, thanks to some clumsy defending (on St. Albans’ part), a generous referee and overall world-class skill from the Bath City players (naturally).

Leeds’ win was their seventh consultative victory. This run equals their best ever record, originally set in 1973. I may have a little party if the boys in white make it 8 in a row, next week. Nearly 30,000 fans turned up to watch the game at Elland Road – the highest attendance in the whole of England after Arsenal and Liverpool. Not bad for a “small”, northern League One side.

After the City game I had some important business to deal with – attend the Bath City Supporters Club Annual General Meeting. Lots of top secret stuff was discussed, including plans to warn Chelsea off the Bath City manager, John Relish. I know that it sounds a little sad to be attending meetings on a Saturday; after all I have to go to them in the week, but unlike the ones at work, I was able to buy and consume alcohol.

Lost Property

Everyone loses things; whether it be socks, money, keys or a child, it can be very annoying. Some losses can be explained by carelessness, some things eventually get found, and sometimes things just disappear for no apparent reason - never to be found again.

Last night, I thought I would use my Xbox headset. I could not find it anywhere. Something rather strange as it used to sit comfortable along with my other HiFi and gaming equipment. Despite clearing up the whole media centre, taking a sofa-bed to pieces and emptying various cupboards around my flat, the fucking headset could not be found!

I have absolutely no idea what could have happened to it. Next week is a massive date on the gaming calendar with both Halo 3 and Fifa 08 getting released – an event which looks to set me back £100. As both of this games feature big online features, a headset is an essential bit of kit. The loss couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

I have given up the hunt, and unless by some bizarre miracle I find it in the next few days, I will be buying a replacement along with my other games in the week. Now, do I buy a wired or wireless one?

The Special One

My tribute to José Mourinho. The audio is taken from The Chris Moyles Show, but everything else is my own work.

Bye Bye Mourinho!

So,the special one leaves Chelsea by "mutual consent". He was not sacked, although one cannot rule out Roman Abramovich threatening José with a piece of radioactive sushi if he refused to depart.

What now for Chelsea? Going down with the Derby? Poised to win the quadruple? Or just spend another £300million on some useless, overpaid donkeys? The latter being most likely.

Got to go now. I've got a train to catch. I have a job interview in London…

City Smashed By Bognor (yet still win)

A brief run-down of the events at Bognor Regis last night…

• An awfully long trip for mid-week
• We still arrived very early
• Found a pub for a pre-match drink
• No Magners (other any ciders). No Carling. No Fosters. Had to have Carlsberg
• Lager far too fizzy. Made the glass look like it was alive
• Pitch very wide. It had a scoreboard.
• Sold some lovely chip butties and allowed us to take alcohol into the stands
• City won 3-1
• Dave Gilroy hattrick – something I jokingly predicted on the coach
• Bognor hooligan attacked the coach with a stone. Window smashed
• Got back late. 00:30
• Walked home alone in dark. Got scared
• Got to bed at 01:00
• Got up before 07:00
• Knackered.

A LONELY BOGNOR FAN WATCHES HIS TEAM LOSE


RANDOM, BORMING, NOTHINGNESS


THE SMASHED WINDOW


A BEAUTIFUL SCORELINE
THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN BY SIMON ON THE BATH CITY FORUM

Tired

I made it into work this morning, after having just 5 hours sleep, following watching Bath City last night. A breakfast consisting of coffee and strawberry yoghurt has helped my fatigue a little, and while I am tired, I am not zombified yet. I cannot guarantee what state I will be in at 4pm, though.

A full blog on last night's City game, including a wonderful hatrick and run-in with a local Bognor hooligan, will appear later today.

So Cold!

It may still be officially summer, but I an standing in Bognor's ground, freezing cold. The fact I have just drank a pint of ice-filled Magners probably doesn't help . At least City are winning 1-0... for now

An Unexpected Journey

As I write this blog, I sit on a coach, driving through the South West countryside.

Late this morning, I decided to bite the bullet and make the long trip to Bognor Regis to watch Bath City.

I won't be getting a proper dinner, will be arriving home really late, and will be absolutely shattered tomorrow at work; but it'll all be worth it!

The life of a football fan. Come on The City!

Laptop Update #2

Apparently my alcohol-damaged Compaq can be repaired. If I get it back and working, I’ll be happy – better than a cheap, crappy new one. Due to alcohol dependency, however, it may have to go into rehab with Amy Winehouse.

FA Cup Draw

Bath City have Truro away in The FA Cup Second Qualifying Round. Looks like I’ll be going to Cornwall in two weeks time. A fecking 9-hour round trip. I hope they sell pasties at the ground!

The Tale Of Two Moviemakers

Yesterdays trip to watch Bath City play Cambridge was somewhat different to my normal excursions. As mentioned the other day, I volunteered to film the match with fellow City fan, Mark. We were also placed on the players’ coach for the journey – a welcome change; not that I have anything against City supporters!

When we arrived at the ground, Mark and I were treated as members of the media, and issued with press passes, gaining free access to the ground – something I certainly cannot complain about!

After much wrestling with a troublesome tripod, we eventually secured the camera, ready to start the tape rolling. Filming was surprisingly easy, although I am starting to wonder if I zoomed in and out too frequently. When the DVD is released, it may have to carry a MOTION SICKNESS warning.

The game finished 2-2. I was on the camera for both Bath City goals, while Mark filmed Cambridge’s second strike. I’ll try and get a clip of my footage uploaded in the next few days.

Following the match, we joined the players in the bar for a post-match drink, before heading off to the local fish and chip shop for a “healthy” sportsman’s meal.

The journey home seemed to take forever, and due to the early start, I was getting rather tired. Still, the players kept me amused with their witty banter, so I was able to keep (some of) my sanity.

THE NEXT STANLEY KUBRICK?


DARREN EDWARDS JUST MISSES A SNIPERS BULLET. THE KEEPER IS NOT SO LUCKY.


WHILE DAVE GILROY NICKS A DEFENDERS' WALLET AND MAKES A RUN FOR IT

Do They Think I'm Stupid?

Just found this lying in my inbox. If anyone gives out there bank details as a result of this e-mail, they deserve to have their account hijacked. People that stupid don't deserve money.

Dear Bank of America client,

You have received this email because you or someone had used your account from different locations.For security purpose, we are required to open an investigation into this matter.

In order to safeguard your account, we require that you confirm your banking details.

The help speeed up to this process, please access the following link so we ca complete the verification of your Bank of America Online Banking Account registration information.

203.121.164.2/boa/online/online_secure/

If we do no receive the appropriate account verification within 48 hours, then we will assume this Bank of America account is fraudulent and will be suspended.

The purpose of this verification is to ensure that your bank account has not been fraudulently used and to combat the fraud from our community. We appreciate your support and understanding and thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

I think I know the man responsible for this e-mail...

Bristol Rovers 0-3 Leeds United

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Leeds United Go West

A match I have been anticipating for years is taking place tonight. My beloved Leeds United take on a team local to me, Bristol Rovers. This will be a major game for the little West Country club, and I was unable to get tickets – gutting.

I must admit – I am more scared of this fixture than any other game Leeds have played this season, including Nottingham Forest away. Despite the local stigma commonly associated with the club, Bristol Rovers are a good team and will be a very tough test for Leeds. It will also be Rovers’ “cup final” and the players will raise their game in order to take on the Yorkshire giants.

Knowing a few Rovers fans, I fear defeat tonight. Please win the match, Leeds - for the sake of my dignity!

My Day As A Football Player

Bath City travel to Cambridge tomorrow, and naturally I will be making the trip to cheer the boys on. This weekend will not be a standard trip for me, though. I have volunteered my services to film half of the match in the absence of the club’s regular cameraman. Think that’s cool? It gets better…

City’s recent run of success has attracted a higher demand for away travel; therefore I have been moved from the supporters’ coach onto the team bus. I’ll be travelling in style with the Bath City squad, all the way from Twerton Park to Cambridge. I looked round the players’ bus a few weeks ago, and must say it is rather impressive. Some of the luxuries I can look forward to include luxury seating, tables, DVD players, a microwave and best of all – A DESK LAMP!

Vista Is Shit

I’ve been playing around with Windows Vista at work. What a pile of shit! Microsoft has ruined what they finally got right – a working operating system (in the form of Windows XP).

One of the most annoying aspects of Vista is the fact they have played around with all the settings and functions; moving them from their traditional locations, and placing them in strange new places. Never get Bill Gates to tidy your house – you’ll find your toilet roll in the freezer, bottles of milk in the oven and ice cream thawing out nicely in the airing cupboard.

Then there is the matter of software compatibility. You can understand to a degree why some third party software may not be compatible, but what I found really enraging is the fact that applications like Exchange Management Tools 2003 do not function on Vista. The cynical man in me would say that this is Microsoft’s sneaky way of forcing network administrators to purchase the upcoming Exchange 2007. However, as this is yet to be released, how are you supposed to run an effective Active Directory on a Vista workstation?

I do like XP, and fully intend to keep it for as long as possible – i.e. when they stop supporting it, which at this rate will probably be October 2007! Grrr…

Why can’t Bill Gates just leave things alone? If he had scab on his arm, he would pick and pick at it until it became gangrenous. You may have a lot of money Bill, but you sure as Hell can’t leave things as they are!

Laptop Update

My beer-pickled laptop was taken away by a man in a white van yesterday. Hopefully I’ll never see it again, will receive a brand new machine, and this long drawn-out saga can be put to bed.

Lunchtime Antics

Half the office ordered Wagamama’s for lunch today. They forgot to mention it to me or my IT Support colleagues. I was not happy, and spent a considerable amount of time e-mailing the feast organiser, making her feel bad. My guilt trip worked. I had pity taken upon me, and was bought a chocolate bar. It shut me up.

Sam also bought pizza from Dominos. It tasted a million times better than what everyone else’s Chinese takeaway looked.

The Customer Is ALWAYS Right

I escaped the office this afternoon to attend some customer service course. Here are some of the things I learnt…

• DO smile at the customers - but not in a seedy way, especially at the young women.
• DO try to help customers - but NOT if your customer is trying to kill other customers.
• DON’T tell customers to “fuck off” - even if they are c***s.
• DON’T throw glasses of water onto the customers - unless they’re on fire.
• The customer is ALWAYS right – except when they’re wrong.

Some of these may not be totally true; I think I fell asleep at one point during the course, so don’t fully remember everything. Overall the afternoon was a total let down; mainly because they didn’t give out any free cake. Rule No.1 for any lecturer – if you want respect from your students, feed them cake.

Halo 3 & Fifa 08

As of this lunchtime today, both are pre-ordered at Game in town. They're released the final week in September – it's going to be a long wait until then.

Death Sentence

I watched Death Sentence this afternoon. Good revenge-movie, and rather nasty in places. Reminded me of Man on Fire, but instead of Denzel Washington carrying out the killing spree, it was Kevin Bacon.

I don’t want to give any of the plot away, but if you do see it, watch out for the man who gets his leg blown off before being shot in the chest – lovely!

There is the on-going debate on whether or not movies like Death Sentence influence violent behaviour, with many saying there is no connection. Why is it, then, that I have a sudden urge to buy myself a shotgun? :o)

Blog When You're Winning

Winning is such a great feeling, and Leeds can’t seem to do anything but win at the moment. Five straight victories in a row, their best start to a season in 34 years, moves them onto an impressive 0 points; that’s right, 0, zero, nil - a lot better than -15! If things continue like this, they’ll receive their inevitable “Champions Status” as early as Christmas.

LIKE THE LEAGUE TABLE, TRESOR KANDOL IS UPSIDE DOWN

There was also success for me in the only Bomberman game of the evening. Last night, I overcame Simon and Watkins’ mind games, to romp home to a deserved and comfortable victory. Championi! Championi! Ole Ole Ole! We could have played more games, but had visited Nando’s earlier that evening, and were made to wait an unusually long length of time. The quality of the chicken also left a lot to be desired – sort it out Senhor Nando!

EASY! EASY! EASY!

Also congratulations to the England football team. They should feel really proud of themselves having beaten Israel; a team whose players keep having their houses and cars bombed. Mind you, Steven Gerrard does live in Liverpool, so it evens things up somewhat. In all fairness, England did play OK and got a much deserved victory. Is it just a coincidence though that they won comprehensively, and Frank Lampard, the fat, eel eating, cockney chav, didn’t play?

THESE HALLOWEEN MASKS GET SCARIER EVERY YEAR

Who The F**k Is Wayne Rooney?

Some quality photos from tonights game. These were taken by Johnny Hormone on the Bath City forum, and show Dave Gilroy celebrating his first goal for the club – let this be the first of many!

Drugs Are Bad Mmmkay

I desperately need a new camera. The night-time photos I took this evening look more like an LSD trip than a football match. Can somebody PLEASE buy me one? Thank you.

Fizzy Laptops And Tango Eyes

Unsurprisingly, spilling a glass of beer all over a laptop is not at all good for it, as I discovered last week when I did such an act. I have my laptop back from the repair shop today, and it cannot be repaired cheaply.

I informed my insurance company of the hefty repair bill (which was well in excess of £600), and was promptly told by a worried sounding operator that they would be giving me a new machine – isn’t that nice of them.

Someone will be calling me in the next few days to arrange a similar replacement to my dead laptop. I’ll do my very best to try and blag one like this, but I’m not holding out much hope. What I really, really want is for the replacement to be delivered by Lucky the dog from the MoreThan TV ads – that would be so cool!

In other news, I went to the “Eye Dentist" (or the “Opticians” as they’re more commonly known) this afternoon. Everything is fine; I don’t have glaucoma and am not going blind. To check the contact lenses were working and not burning my retinas from the inside, the optician put some dye on my eyeball. Upon leaving the eye dentists, and looking in a mirror, I was alarmed to see that some of the orange dye had remained. My eyes were all orange and I looked like Eugene Victor Tooms from X-Files! I got scared.

I ALMOST DIDN'T USE THIS PICTURE AS IT STILL FRIGHTENS ME

A Load Of Old Rubbish

Anyone watching that Dumped programme on Channel 4? 11 people living in rubbish tip – so much better than Big Brother! At least this show serves some purpose instead of just broadcasting mind-numbingly boring pondlife 24-7.

Still, like with all reality TV, the show still has its annoying characters. Namely Aaron, who until today, I thought was a woman. Turns out he is one of the over-feminine males. I’ve nothing against gays (which he clearly is), but when they dress and act like female bimbos, it just creeps me out. The only thing which lead me to believe he was in-fact a man, was the stubble growing on his face from not shaving.

Another annoying contestant is Jermaine, the so called “footballer” - what an arrogant shit. He is one of these people who hurls abuse at everyone, and when challenged, shouts over them until they give up and walk away. Hopefully tomorrow’s episode will see him catch some nasty disease off an infected rat.

Paul Robinson's Wonder Horse

It looks like England goalkeeper is the latest victim of an internet Photoshop craze. Here's two of my favourites.

More here.

Photos From Welling

YOUR LOCAL, FRIENDLY FOOTBALL CLUB


LEWIS HOGG GETS READY TO TAKE A FREE KICK


WALSHY AND STEVE JONES DISCUSS THE "BEAUTIFUL" GROUND


THIS LINO FANCIED HIMSELF AS A COMEDIAN AND HAD SOME GOOD BANTER WITH CITY FANS


A RANDOM PICTURE OF THE GAME

Bollocks!

I'm on the coach travelling back from London after watching Bath City lose 1-0 to Welling. A very frustrating game, and one which City should have got at least a draw from. Still, if you don't take your chances, you can't cry when you lose.

The ground was shit - one of the worst I've been to - it was literally falling to pieces in places. The clubhouse was terrible, with the only (barely) adequate choices of drink being Fosters and CANS of Strongbow - yes, it was that bad!

The toilet was very continental. By that I mean it was a hole in the ground, overflowing with putrid piss.

Food was disappointing - no chips or light snacks. As I was starving, I braved a burger. I'll let you know more about that if I'm alive tomorrow, and have not died from beef poisoning.

Seriously, it wasn't that bad. I'm just moody as City lost. Next week will be better, and at least Leeds won again!

Now, take me home Mr. Coachman!