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Buy Me!
There’s less than 15 minutes left until the football transfer window slams shut. I am getting slightly concerned – I am yet to receive the call from José Mourinho, offering me a £150,000 a week deal at Chelsea. Today hasn’t been a good day for me all round. I was disappointed not to receive an England call up from Steve McClaren. How can that donkey Frank Lampard keep getting capped, while my football skills are always overlooked? :o(
Future Cinema Trips
Two films I must see over the next fortnight.
Death Sentence - looks exciting and very violent! and Run Fatboy Run – anything with Simon Pegg in is bound to be funny!
The IT Crowd
I spent the majority of this afternoon watching the entire first series of The IT Crowd. Up until today, I hadn’t seen it before, so thought I had better watch it to find out what all the fuss was about. A very funny show, but working in IT Support myself, I found it a tad unrealistic. The idea that the standard response to customers is “Turn the machine off and on again” is a total myth! I only suggest that when I’m really stuck, need coffee/food/walk/shit, or don’t want to speak to the end user :o)
My Day At Alton Towers
I am now back in Bath, following my short break. Most of the events at the campsite have already been mentioned, so I'll just write a little bit about Alton Towers, photos can be found on the blog below. A summary of the attractions I had time to ride: The Monorail:Not strictly a ride. The Monorail took us from the monstrous sized car park to the park. Even though it was able to hold a lot of people, there was still a massive queue - although this can be put down to the fact of 10,000,000 people trying to enter the same place at the same time. Oblivion:The one I had been warned about. I was told to empty my bowels prior to going on this one, or risk filling my pants with cream. I dismissed this as I only get scared of real threats, and my brain told me that this ride would be safe, however frighting it may appear. I enjoyed the ride and the feeling of falling at such speed is impressive. To think this is what people who jump off cliffs and buildings must feel moments before they splatter on the floor - it's enough to put anyone off suicide. Nemesis:Another fast and scary one. This ride required you to be strapped in very tight. Having watched the roller-coaster bomb around the track while I was in the queue, I wasn't going to object to the extra security. While the ride was amazing, it was very fast and all over too quickly. Duel:I didn't like this one. It was basically a crap ghost train where you were encouraged to shoot the green dots on the wall and monsters with a laser pistol, similar to what you might use on the Sega Mastersystem. Hex:Definitely one for the grannies. Most of this attraction was spent watching a pre-ride presentation, supposedly a "true" horror story about a man getting cursed, branches falling off a tree and his family members dying. It reminded me of being on a boring school trip. The ride was a trick of the mind, rather than a thrill experience. You would sit on a church-like bench, which would rock slowly from side to side, while the ceiling would rotate, thus giving the impression that you were tipping upside down. My intelligence was not fooled. Rubbish. Runaway Mine Train:This may not be one of the biggies, but I enjoyed it. A fast, fun, old-skool style roller-coaster. One horizontal track which the train would twist and turn along at high speed. Good fun! Congo River Rapids:Watkins and I rode this one twice as it was so fun (and the queues were relatively short). You would sit on what was effectively a massive tyre, while taking a leisurely trip down fast moving rapids, water falls and rocks. Good fun if you don't mind getting bashed about and a bit damp. The Flume:Another one we went on twice. This one too involved water and getting very, very wet! A raft takes you around a water propelled track, up and down flumes and past bastard ducks who spray water all over your already soaked clothes. Some poor sod in-front of us got absolutely drenched - it looked like he had fallen in! Air:My favourite ride. Like Nemesis, we were all strapped in very securely, before being turned 90 degrees so we were facing the floor. The roller-coaster then took us up a hill, before racing around the track, flipping us from side-to-side, upside down, high into the sky and within literally inches of the ground. Excellent stuff! Had it not been for the massive queues, I would have rode this one all day. Skyride:Gondolas which take you to and from various areas in the park. Pretty cool as it suspends you very high above the ground. You also get some fabulous views across the park, ground and surrounding countryside. The Toilet:Due to consuming a lot of Coca Cola (they were giving unlimited re-fills!), I had to use this attraction a lot. This ride featured some amazing mini-water flumes, mad hand dryers, insane taps (both hot & cold) and some crazy soap dispensers! Some other observations from the day:Scousers and brummies sound the same - whinging and extremely annoying. Alton Towers was full of them - all wearing Liverpool. Aston Villa and Newcastle United football shirts. To be honest, I think they were probably down on the rob, and not to enjoy the rides. While in the queue for Congo River Rapids, a bunch of them pushed their way in-front of us. I was tempted to say something, but I have seen enough episodes of Wife Swap to know that arguing with arrogant shits is just pointless. To make matters worse, every-time a boat went past, the herd of chavs would shout out "Excuse me! You have a puncture!". This went on for about 20 minutes, and with boats going past every 10 seconds, you can imagine it got more than a little annoying. I was hoping and praying that their boat would sink - give them something to shout about. The government and health officials keep going on about how children are all fat, and by the time they are 30, will be either dead, diabetic or 50 stone. Living in the south of England, we don't get that many fatties, so thought the warnings were another case of media propaganda. Since going up north, I believe there is a fat children epidemic. Every other child was a pig; and I don't mean a little bit chubby, I'm talking Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor fat! It looked as if they were carrying one of the tyres from the River Rapids ride around their waist! And finally - like at motorway service stations, all food and drink is vastly overpriced. It's not enough you pay £30 to get in, but you get stung again whenever you want to eat or drink. Despite the odd minor moan I may have had, I did enjoy myself, and definitely want to go back; if only to go on everything I didn't have time to yesterday, and to ride Air again!
Pictures From Alton Towers
I've Been Robbed
Yes, I have been robbed. I feel so violated. I am still on holiday by the way - Watkins and I decided to stay an extra night. Alton Towers was good, and there will be a full report on it when I return tomorrow. Anyway, back to the incident... I decided to use the campsite's shower facilites, so took my towel, shampoo and conditioner up to the washing area. Before showering, I went to the toilet, leaving my stuff on the side. When I left the toilet, 30 seconds later, I found all my cleaning products had been stolen. There was a man in one of the other showers. Obviously the dirty pikey had helped himself to my shampoo and towel. Worse still, I found a fresh turd in the corner of one of the showers! Who does stuff like that? Animals! After various experiences at Alton Towers today, nothing suprises me about The Midlands and the locals who reside there. More tomorrow...
S.O.S
I am blogging from my mobile phone, so am not even sure if this will work... As I text this blog, I am lying on an airbed, wrapped in a sleeping bag, inside a tent, somewhere in the Midlands. I have been force fed two dodgy burgers from the BBQ and have also drank two bottles of Magners - I don't know if I'll make it through the night. If I haven't blogged again by Wednesday, send help, although I may already be dead. My neighbours sound scary - one just yelled out "You just pooed on my face!", followed by "I can feel it coming out, God bless Jesus!" Why did I agree to this - I hate camping!
I'm Just Like Indiana Jones
I am going on a little adventure tonight. After this afternoons Bath City game, I will be leaving Bath and driving up to Staffordshire with Mr. Watkins. While there, we will spend a night on a campsite, before visiting Alton Towers on Tuesday morning. Mr. Watkins had a very hard job persuading me to agree to this. I am not a big fan of camping, especially campsites. I generally associate them with trailer-trash, and expect to find the likes of Eminem living there; writing rap tunes in between fighting with his alcoholic father and abusive mother. Still, it's only one night, and I will hopefully have a good time (at least, I'm trying to convince myself of this!) Tuesday should be interesting as I have also not been to Alton Towers before. I know this is rather sad and probably makes me the only person over 6 months old, and younger than 80 years not to have gone. Again, I have my own vision of the place... queues and queues of school children and fat families, hundreds upon hundreds of dodgy fast food outlets, and lots of rides surrounded by pools of regurgitated dodgy fast food. Even though I sound like a miserable cunt, I am still looking forward to it. I will be bringing my camera, and unless it gets stolen by a carny at the campsite, or smashed into a million pieces on a roller-coaster, I'll take and upload lots of photos.
Laptop Dead?
Something bad happened last night. A terrible, terrible accident. I killed my laptop! I was getting ready to watch Match of the Day, and thought I would open a bottle of beer which I had been given as a present. Before I had taken one sip, the glass somehow fell from the grip of my hand, spilling the contents all over the laptop keyboard. Despite my valiant efforts, I was unable to save my computer, and worse still, I had to watch it die in the most undignified manner. Upon reboot everything appeared fine, but when I started to use the keyboard it went berserk. A second reboot, and it started crying (well, beeping) at me. A sad day and tragic loss of life. I would like to stress, that although it was my alcohol which killed the laptop, I had not consumed any, therefore the accident was performed in a totally sober state. My laptop took the full whack and died intoxicated; it's components more pickled than George Best's liver. It's kind of funny - this wasn't the first time I spilt drink onto my laptop. In the past, coffee and coke have been spilt over it - even the other night, a generous portion of tagliatelle found its way onto the keyboard. Those fluids however had no negative effects, in fact they made the machine run faster - must be the high caffeine content. All is not lost. My insurance company (the one with the dog which is "More than Lucky") seem to be willing to help. First of all I need to see if it can be repaired; something I seriously doubt, mainly because the laptop seems to have doubled in weight, due to the beer swimming around inside it. If it can't be fixed and a replacement is required, I need a "doctors note" from a PC supplier stating such. I did take the annoyingly smug approach of telling the operator "I do work with computers, you know...". Pointless.
What's It Like To Lose A Game?
I made my second Bath City away trip of season today. This week, my travels took me to Maidenhead in Berkshire; although the extreme summer heat made it feel like Cairo in Egypt. I was struggling to keep cool in the shaded stands, and felt sorry for the players running around in the open sun. 
City won the game 1-0, which pleased me immensely, especially as the result took them to 1st in the league. I for one will be hoping they don’t move from that spot all season! In an ideal world, The Conference South and Premier League current standings would be frozen; therefore promoting Bath City and relegating Manchester United. Today was a very good day all round really. 3 points for The City, and equally importantly, another 3 for Leeds United, who also won again. I know it is very early days, but the thought of both my teams winning promotion this season did cross my mind for a mere second. :o) 
Going Down With The Derby!
The Conference South and Premiership football tables are looking excellent at the moment - mainly due to a certain team riding high in 1st place, and another in a woeful 19th. 
Cooking In The Country
This evening, Simon, Watkins and I decided we would have a BBQ. I do not have a garden, and theirs were both inaccessible, so we had to go searching for a suitable spot to “spark up”. We drove around the outskirts of Bath for almost 2 hours, visiting various locations, including a car park near the village of Marshfield, which was disturbingly full of people and their vehicles. Fearing we had entered a secret dogging community, we drove off – fast. We eventually found a remote field near to another village called Corston. There we lit the barbecue and enjoyed the summers evening – albeit somewhat later than planned. 
Like something out of The X-Files, our BBQ was invaded by strange flies
The BBQ took a long time to start
While waiting for the coals to ignite, I took a picture of the field we were in - scary
Simon and Watkins cooking
Simon and Watkins eating
Simon and Watkins approving of the food - less so of the camera's strong flash
We wanted to put the BBQ out (so the farmer's field wouldn't burn down). We didn't have any water, so used the next best thing - Pepsi Max
It made a lot of steam!
I Escaped – Victory Is Mine!
Mr. White had his annual birthday, and for a change from his normal routine, decided to go drinking in town *snigger*. Unlike his usual piss-ups, I was obliged to go along – probably due to the fact it was his birthday, and unless you’re the Queen, you only get one of these every 365.25 days. While I enjoy a few pints in the local pub, I rarely frequent those based in town - mainly due to them being overpriced, overpopulated and overchaved. We started the night’s festivities in Weatherspoons - I was pleasantly surprised. They had a good selection of drinks, and lots of comfortable seating. I was also able to read the days news while taking a piss - some thoughtful person had stuck The Daily Mail to the wall, which makes a change from reading WAYNE WAZ ‘ERE. 
Once Weatherspoon’s supply of Magners had run out, I decided (or rather, was told) that we were going to another pub – The Bell. The Bell is a nice “Real Ales Pub” on Walcott Street, and if I had my way, we would have spent the whole evening there. When we finally arrived (the walk seemed to take forever), I enjoyed a lovely pint of Bath Gem. Simon stayed off the booze, while everyone else drank themselves into an alcohol-induced coma. When I had finished my pint it was time to leave. Simon and I had to make a stealth escape. In the past, my attempts to leave have been met by frustrated drunkards – mainly Mr. White. I had planned on walking home, but due to consuming 3 pints, and the fact it was 10.30pm, Newbridge Road seemed a million miles away from Walcott Street. I got a taxi. Simon took a ride too. My journey home was spent listening to Mr. Goater and the driver discussing Robert DeNiro, The Chemical Brothers and the hours in which a taxi chauffeur works. Still, that’s it for another year. Happy birthday Mr. White, don’t drink too much now… oh wait, you already did.
Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!
I had the fortune of missing the England game last night. I lie - I watched a little of it. I saw was Paul Robinson gifting Germany a goal (very sporting of him), and pundit, Alan Hansen’s new look – I think in the fashion world, it is called “The Tramp”. He looked like he hadn’t washed or shaved for days and appeared to have strange sores on his face. Far be it from me to suggest that Mr. Hanson had been suckling the teat of Jack Daniel, but as the game went on, fellow pundit Alan Shearer became more and more slurred in his speech – probably due to the alcoholic fumes in the air, or maybe just because he’s a Geordie. My media contact is working on finding me a picture of the unsightly Scotsman. In the meantime, check out this guy. He’s a heavy meth user, but doesn’t look too different from what Hanson did last night. Not that I am suggesting for one moment that Hanson is a drugs user. 
Flaming Galah!
Yesterday I met a real life Australian! Despite all the stereotypes, he was not playing a didgeridoo, did not know the late Steve Irwin, and wasn’t cooking burgers on a barbeque. He was however drinking Fosters and greeted me with “G’day mate!”… apparently. The Aussie in question was Shane Jacobson - AKA Kenny Smyth. I met him at the cinema, following an exclusive (and free) screening of the movie Kenny, which, unsurprisingly, he was starring in. The film is a mockumentary/comedy about an Australian toilet plumber. Anything involving Australians and toilet humour was always going to be a winner, and I was not disappointed. The movie, which is extremely low budget, follows Kenny around his work, family and private-life. If you want an in-depth ‘Jonathan Ross-type review’ check out IMDB. 
Following the film, Shane Jacobson came into the theatre for a Q&A session. It was rather strange seeing a man we had just watched on screen for almost 2 hours suddenly appear in the flesh. While I knew the film was a mockumentary and fictitious, I don’t think all my fellow movie-goers did, as they were asking questions relating to the plotline (e.g. “how is your dad now”). Jacobson did appear in-character, as Kenny, so I can see how the lesser-intelligent movie-goers could have got confused somewhere – unless they too were playing along with the act. Following the Q&A, I met Kenny for autographs, a photo, and to commend him on his film. He is now up there alongside Timmy Mallett, Murray Walker and Jermaine Beckford as “famous people I have met”. Here’s the man himself, officially endorsing Sparkster.net as the best blog in the world. 
My Idea Of Hell
Have a read of this news story... I don't think I can possibly think of anything more horrendous to happen to someone. I pity the people who had to clean up the mess, and worse still, capture all the creatures - no amount of money would be enough for me to do it! A MAN who lived in his own “zoo” of lizards and insects was fatally bitten by a pet black widow spider — then eaten by the other creepy-crawlies. Police broke in to Mark Voegel’s apartment to find spider Bettina along with 200 others, several snakes, a gecko lizard called Helmut and several thousand termites had gorged on his body. Neighbours alerted police after becoming alarmed by the stink. A police spokesman said: “It was like a horror movie. His corpse was over the sofa. “Giant webs draped him, spiders were all over him. They were coming out of his nose and his mouth. “There was everything there one could imagine in the world of reptiles. “Larger pieces of flesh torn off by the lizards were scooped up and taken back to the webs of tarantulas and other bird-eating spiders.” Loner Voegel, 30, never invited people back to his “jungle” home, a small apartment in the German city of Dortmund. Police described it as a cross between a botanical garden and the butterfly breeding ground in the serial killer movie The Silence Of The Lambs. One tarantula had built a nest the size of a swallow’s in a corner of the ceiling. Voegel also had a boa constrictor and several poisonous frogs from South America. Spider expert and animal cruelty officer Gabi Bayer said he kept creatures “that should never be allowed in a private home”. She said: “He had spiders so aggressive they are the equivalent of a pit-bull in the animal world.” The reptiles were allowed to roam free in the flat. The heating elements on two tanks containing spiders and their termite snacks had exploded and dislodged the metal tops allowing them to escape. Voegel is thought to have been dead for between seven and 14 days. A post-mortem will be carried out in the next few days. But authorities believe Bettina alone was responsible for Voegel’s death. Source: [http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004092008,00.html]
A Day Of 1,000 Events
The first day of my two weeks off was rather uneventful. I got up late - something which is customary for anybody off on annual leave. The rest of the day was spent playing Xbox, drinking coffee and browsing the net. My relaxation was briefly interrupted by two telephone calls… The first was to Littlewoods. I was given some discount codes to use on their website. These would supposedly give me a hefty saving on a purchase of a “mans bag” which I wanted to buy. For some reason however, my debit card was charged £23, instead of the £6 which I was expecting. I rang Littlewoods to find out what was going on. According to the northern female phone operator, ‘Littlewoods Online’ and ‘Littlewoods Direct’ are two separate companies, and even though the website confirmed my discount, I would not receive it. I cancelled my order, and went onto MSN to bitch about the stupid northern girl. I am sure she too was bitching to her neighbouring colleague about the stupid southern boy who messed up his order. Quite frankly, I do not care, or wish to learn if there is a difference between ‘Littlewoods Online’ and ‘Littlewoods Direct’. Up until today, I have never used a catalogue shop, and after today, will never use one again. Later that day I received an international call from India. The phone operator, who kept referring to me as “My man”, was trying to sell me gas and electricity. I am rather happy with my current supplier and have no intentions to switch, but thought I would have some fun with the chap. I was told by the operator that they were prepared to better by current energy deal. When asked how much I currently pay, I lied and replied “around £5 a month for the lot”. This ridiculously low quotation of mine caused much confusion, and I was passed onto a supervisor, who began to read me his company’s policy. I got bored at that point, and midway through this speech wished him farewell before hanging up. I wonder what fun-fulfilled events await me tomorrow! At the moment, I am planning on going to Argos to buy a new toaster – rock and roll!
Does It Get Any Better?
Bath beat Hampton and Richmond* 2-0, while Leeds thrash Southend 4-1. To make things better, Roy Keane’s Sunderland lost 3-0. Hahaha – unlucky Keano! * Yes, Hampton & Richmond are indeed a football club. Prior to kick off, I was a little confused, thinking they were actually a make of sausage. Based upon their performance, maybe their players should give up football and become butchers.
Burn Baby Burn
One of my neighbours set the fire alarm off last night – not a nice experience. As our alarms are networked, they were all going off - very, very loudly. Simon was round and helped a rather shocked neighbour and me try to turn the damn thing off. Initially, I did want to take a chainsaw to the alarm panel, but decided against it – besides which, I don’t have a chainsaw. After much thought into how to silence the siren, including removing the covers with a screwdriver, I discovered a key and an instruction manual. To everyone’s surprise (and relief), simply by turning a key and pressing a button, the alarm was silenced and normal serenity was restored. Knowing how to silence the alarm could prove extremely useful. If I ever become influenced by the lyrics of The Prodigy, and become “a twisted fire starter”, I will be able to carry out my arson in secret.
Still Undefeated!
I can’t complain about the football results yesterday, with both my teams being victorious. Leeds won 1-0 at Macclesfield in the Carling Cup, while Bath City beat Eastleigh in the league. On the way to Twerton Park, Simon and I popped into The Dolphin pub. Simon surprised me by ordering a J20 – he normally orders a bottle of red wine, which he then washes down with a few Magners and a jug of Pimms. I went for a pint of Thatchers, which Mr. Goater, in a rare moment of wit, referred to as “farmers brew”. The cheeky bastard – I should stab him with my pitchfork. The game was entertaining. City played well, and Eastleigh looked far from amazing. If Bromley and Eastleigh are examples of the “quality” in this division, I can see another promotion this season. Unfortunately, the standard of the refereeing is still just as poor as last year. Apologies to anyone who was offended by a rather rude insult I hurled at the ref following a foul on City’s Phil Walsh in the penalty box. I won’t repeat it on here, but it sounded a little like “Ducking lunt!” When I got home, I washed my mouth out with lots of soap and water - I was a bad boy.
Sticks And Stones
It's lunchtime and I am about to tuck into my Coronation Chicken sandwich. I am hoping for today's meal to be better than yesterday's, and that I find no nasty surprises… While eating my roll, I was rather perturbed to find a small, hard object inside my mouth. At first I thought I had lost a tooth, and quickly spat chicken, mayonnaise, bread and saliva all over the desk. In the pile of regurgitation, I noticed a stone - yes, a fucking stone! As my sandwich hadn't been prepared on a cliff side, I can only imagine the piece of rock had found its way into my food at the factory! I decided I would keep the stone and try and use it as a bargaining tool with some Sainsbury's manager, hoping the threat of prosecution over my traumatic experience would lead to a free shopping trip. It would be just like the TV show, Supermarket Sweep, only without Dale Winton. Unfortunately the stone was placed in the pocket of my trousers, and my trousers were then placed in the washing machine. I assume the stone is now lost in the washing machine's drainage pipe. Bugger. I have a brand new roll today - hopefully I won't find any bits of glass or nails in this one!
The Brittle Boned Boy
So Wayne Rooney has broken his foot again. Has he got brittle bones or something? He seems to be in and out the Manchester Hospital Orthopedic Ward more than a 93 year old woman. Everyone is getting scared that Sir Roon's injury will stop England qualifying for Euro 2008 and prevent Manchester United winning the Premiership. While the first scenario would be a bit of a pisser, the latter would make me laugh - although it is questionable what Wayne has contributed to the English national team since 2004. Now, of course the foot break was a regrettable mistimed tackle. Why would ex-Leeds and Chelsea defender Michael Duberry want to purposely hurt a mouthy, scouse, Manchester United player like Rooney? Just a terrible accident. Yes, a terrible, terrible accident…
Finally, it has to be said, if I wanted to break my foot while playing football, I would either wear in those dap shoes you were forced to use in P.E. at school, or better still, Wayne Rooney’s choice of regular footwear…
In all seriousness, I hope Rooney recovers soon. With his regular diet of McDonalds and Gingsters pasties, I'm sure his bone will be back normal in no time.
Back At Last!
It's remarkable how a good football result makes you truly believe the season has begun! Bath City got a very respectable draw away at promotion-tipped Bromley; while Leeds managed to reduce their deficit to -12 with a wonderful victory away at Tranmere. Yesterday morning, I boarded the Bath City supporters' coach and made the long journey to Bromley along the M4 – a motorway which I expect to be making frequent trips across this season, on route to City games. The ground was in a rather bizarre location – situated in the middle of a London suburb, with a farmyard alongside the entrance and a cricket pitch at the rear. There was even a match in progress - great for anybody getting bored of watching the football.
The Bromley fans seemed a very friendly bunch, and after noticing my Bath City shirt, approached me, asking about the team and wishing me luck for the season ahead.
I was impressed with the stadium, and he terraces made watching the game an enjoyable experience. My only criticism was the catering. All I could find was a small hut selling burgers and hotdogs at rather extortionate prices, and an ice cream van at the corner of the ground. The man on the tannoy did mention something about a food-serving bar up the grandstand, but that appeared to be for members only, and if it wasn't, it wasn't clear to regular supporters how to gain access.
The game was played in hot, sunny conditions. It was warm enough in the stands, and you could tell that the players were affected by the heat. In the first half, City were by far the better team, and although they were unable to score, the fans were left optimistic.
Bromley came out better in the second half, and in one particularly dominant spell did manage to grab a goal. The City fans were left deflated, but the players kept going. In the dying seconds of the match, City were awarded a corner. The vast majority of the Bath fans ran down behind the goal to give their support – it paid off when defender Chris Holland slammed home an equaliser with the last kick of the game. The goal caused mass celebrations from the City fans, reminiscent to those when the league was won at Yate in April. On the way out the ground, I received the news that Leeds had scored a late goal themselves, and had beaten Tranmere 2-1. All this excitement and pleasure felt very good – surely it's not healthy! While waiting to board the coach home, I was invited to look round the Bath City players' coach - they certainly know how to travel in style! They have the luxury of travelling on premier seating, equip with tables, DVD players and microwaves. A perfect spot for eating boiled sweets and bread rolls, while checking out the "ladies" from News of the World – just some of the possessions I noticed while snooping around!
Ball Ball Ball - Footy Footy Footy
After what seems like an unusually short summer break, the new football season returns tomorrow. For some reason, I don’t feel quite ready for it just yet. 
Tomorrow morning, I will be making the long coach journey to Bromley (somewhere near London – I think) to watch Bath City play their first game in The Blue Square South. While at the match, I will be keeping a close eye on how Leeds United are getting on in their first game against Tranmere Rovers. Tranmere may be a team in the Merseyside, but it seems a million miles away from the likes of Liverpool and Everton – teams Leeds were playing only a few years ago. As hopes and expectations go, I would like both my sides avoid relegation! Had Leeds not been faced with a ludicrous 15 point penalty, I would be expecting promotion back to The Championship, but I would happily settle 20th place come May 2008. I don’t know what to expect from Bath. Their new division is unfamiliar territory. Following winning the league last season, I would like to think they could repeat the feat again, or at least make the play offs. Still, I shouldn’t be greedy – I would settle for mid table in their first season. Hopefully, come August 2008, I will be blogging about Leeds’ season back in The Championship and their new billionaire owner; Bath City’s back-to-back promotion success; and the news that Ken Bates has been locked up in prison for being a dirty old crook. Tomorrow evening, I hope that Bath City have a juicy 3 points under their belt, while Leeds are flying high with a healthy tally of -12; and the news that Ken Bates has been locked up in prison for being a dirty old crook.
"Is It Case Sensitive?"
I had to attend to attend a training course at work today – it was sooo boring! It involved teaching us about a new system that my organisation will be using sometime in the future. I will spare embarrassment by not naming the product. A large part of the system in question uses an Active Directory – a tool which I use frequently throughout my working week. Even so, the trainer still insisted on taking two hours teaching my colleagues and me on how to use it. I had my fun though, asking her loads of complicated questions that I knew she would be unable to answer - I think she was on the verge of tears at one point! The classroom bullying continued well into the afternoon, when a group of us decided to keep asking the poor trainer the question “Is it case sensitive?” every time we got to a stage which required a password to be entered/created. Each time the question as asked, it caused a look of frustration from the trainer and a fit of giggles from the trainees. As you can probably tell, I was a little bastard when I was in school, and things haven’t changed much now! :o)
Three Spiders And A Little Scardy Cat
I came into contact with three spiders today – not nice at all. The first was found early this morning when I was moving an item of clothing. I am not ashamed to admit that I let out a pitiful, high pitched scream and threw the garment across the room. The spider ran off in a panic, but it’s escape, and life, were thwarted by the sole of my shoe. On my arrival to work, my “Spider Sensors” were also tingling when someone brought around a beast they had caught in a glass. All I saw were the big, black hairy legs, and I felt like vomiting. I ran away to hide and did not return until it had been released far, far away from the office. My final encounter was the most close, but luckily the least scary. I found a spider crawling on my shirt! If this were to happen with any normal spider, I would have emptied the contents of my bowels and fainted with fear - luckily this spider was only a baby. I removed it from my clothing, and even let him live. I hope he remembers this when he’s a big legged bastard, and doesn’t come after me while hunting!
A Slight Headache
Proof that bizarre events in The Simpson’s do come true! Remember that episode where Homer found a crayon lodged in his brain. 
Well a woman in Germany had a pencil stuck in hers! 
I wonder if like with Homer, her IQ went up after it was removed. Full story here.
Missing: Frank Lampard
Good old Frank Lampard – predictable as always. Somehow he manages to hide from over 80,000 fans and 100’s of TV cameras for a full 90 minutes (a feat even David Blaine couldn’t master), before stepping up to take a vital penalty for his team and missing. How I laughed. Just a shame it meant Man United winning that shield. 
Apparently Lampard is hiding in this picture. A shiny new penny to the first person to spot him.
Stone The Seagulls
Bath seems to be overrun with seagulls! The weather has been quite warm lately, so I have been sleeping with my bedroom windows open (my normal fear of spider invasion being overridden by the sticky-heat causing insomnia). Throughout the night, the seagulls nesting by the nearby riverside screech and scream, making the most awful noise. 
I have been tempted to go down with a shotgun and take them out. On hindsight though, I don’t think that is a good idea - think about it – a man walking around in his pyjamas, brandishing a shotgun and firing into the sky. Not only was my sleep interrupted by the bloody seagull row, but some inconsiderate youth was riding around on a Chavmobile (or “moped”), also at some ungodly hour. Is it wrong of me to wish that he crashes?
Choose Your Pub Right
This evening, Simon insisted that we watch the Ajax-Arsenal game. Unfortunately for Mr. Goater, I didn’t have tickets to the match, or a seat on an aeroplane to Holland. The only way we could watch the match would be to find a pub showing it. All the pubs near me have either no Sky subscription (The Dolphin – my local), have been closed down (The Weston) or are occupied by strange locals (The New Crown). We did ponder with the idea of going to town. After thinking further into this though, decided against it - Saturday night. Bath city centre. Drunks. Yobs. Vomit and urine on streets… Best keep it local. I assured Simon that there would be a pub in Weston Village which would be showing the match. He believed me and agreed to go. It was an unexpectedly long walk from my flat to the village – we may as well have walked to The Netherlands! When we did arrive, my original choice of pub had been converted into what looked like an Over 21’s Gentlemen’s Club. Unsurprisingly, they were not showing the football. We eventually found a pub with Sky – a nice one too. It was very homely and actually felt as if you were sitting inside somebody’s living room. There was a rather disturbing man at the bar who was convinced he knew me. He was pissed off his skull, but still insisted in making conversation. When I finally plucked up the courage to ask who the hell he was, he told me “We’re mates, we see each other around the place… just to say ‘Hi’ to… you know…” No, I don’t know. I have NEVER seen him before in my life. I must be honest, I was more than a tad scared. 
A very homely pub. I was half expecting Aunt Bessie to come out with the Yorkshire puddings.
City v Tiverton Thugs
Somebody call 999 and request police backup, an ambulance and the fire brigade. Yes, Tiverton are in town. The team from Devon left their milk churns to come up to Bath for a “friendly” game of football at Twerton Park. After watching 90 minutes of G.B.H., fights and assaults, it was evident that Tivvy had no intentions of making friends. The match wasn’t helped by having the local Twerton Village idiot refereeing the game. City lost the game on penalties – something of an irrelevance, especially as the match they were playing in was only for some Mickey Mouse cup. Here are some photos of the match. I will be forwarding them to the Avon and Somerset Constabulary. I am sure the local police force will be keen on my evidence of violence and affray. 
"No! Don't hit me anymore... it hurts, it hurts!"
If you can't beat em', twat em'
One of the few moments when a City player wasn't being assaulted
Tivvy's centre back breaks a nail and it all kicks off
The one moment in the game where City players were not at threat of death by fouling
Scaremongering Media
This morning I read the news about the foot and mouth outbreak in Surrey. While it is of major concern, especially following the events of six years ago, why do the media have to show all those terrible photos of burning animals from 2001? At the moment the outbreak is contained and the authorities are doing all they can to keep it that way. Repeating the images from six years ago will stir up worldwide panic, and the UK agricultural industry will be unfairly blacklisted. After the wet summer and poor treatment from major supermarkets, don’t the farmers have enough to cope with!
R.I.P. DAB Radio
My DAB radio died this morning – well, it was actually the AC adaptor which broke – literally. I unplugged the radio from the wall, only to leave one of the plug tongs stuck inside the socket. With the circuit not being complete, it would probably have been safe to pull it out there and then, but I was taking no chances. Not wanting to receive a fatal electric shock (especially on a weekend) I had to turn off the power to my whole flat. Luckily the plug socket seems to have avoided any damage, but my radio power supply is well and truly fucked. :o(
Lightning Strikes Twice
This afternoon I learnt that Grand Theft Auto 4 would not be released until mid-2008. That pisses all over my week off in October – I was planning on playing the game for 10 days straight. Then I learnt that Leeds United have been deducted 15 points by the Football League. Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t this down to the chairman, Ken Bates? Wouldn’t it be better to leave the club alone and report Master Bates to the police so he can fulfil the prison sentence he duly deserves? It does make me wonder why the FL just didn’t kill off Leeds altogether… ANSWER: they would lose millions of pounds in revenue. The whole thing is full of corruption. This evening I went with Simon to The Dolphin pub and drank two pints of Thatchers cider – one pint for each lightning strike. After the manic week at work however, I should have drank 10.
My War Of Terror
It appears that the BBC may have started to listen to my demands regarding IMP. I received this e-mail last night. We'd like you to join the BBC iPlayer Beta . This email contains everything you need to get started. Please keep it for reference. Also please double-check the BBC iPlayer Terms and Conditions you agreed to when you signed up. Best wishes
The BBC iPlayer Beta team Too late, Beeb! I'm not releasing Wogan until January 2008! Furthermore, if you don't make the iPlayer user-friendly by tomorrow, I'll be kidnapping Jonathan Ross, too! If my demands are still not met, Chris Moyles is next on the list. Who's going to do the breakfast show on Monday if he's gone? Scott Mills won't do it for a third week!
All Work And No Play...
Changes to my mental state since yesterday… Fatigue – up 60%
Anger - up 77%
Sanity – down 94%
Stress – up 89%
Potential to go on a killing spree – up 165% Yes, work has been busy - very busy. Only one more day to go - thank God. If I had to work Saturday, I think Bath would have its first gun massacre, with me being the nutter brandishing the sawn-off shotgun. Does anyone have access to a locked room with pillows padding the wall, straight jackets in the wardrobe, free candy floss and lovely sedatives. Can I pay you a visit?
Absolutely Fuppin’ Knackered!
I am exhausted – both mentally and physically. Work has been manic the last week, especially today. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. Is this what it feels like to be old? Maybe so. If being an OAP means you have to feel like this all the time, I will be putting a bullet in my head on my 50th birthday. 
Is this elderly woman using the man as a walking aid, or is she giving him a fist?
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