IMP = Shit!

Well, the BBC failed to meet my demands and send me my IMP login details. Because of this, Terry Wogan will be locked up in my basement and not released until January 2008 – that’s right Mr. Beeb, you’ll have to find someone else to do Aunties Christmas Bloomers.

I did however get access to iPlayer, using a rogue account given to me by my “dodgy friend” – you know the type, everyone has one - the mate who is always downloading & uploading illegal files over the net, takes the odd recreational drug, rides his bike on the pavement, and could probably get someone killed if you asked him very nicely. For animosity, I’ll refer to him as “Whitey” – or Jon for short.

Anyway, iPlayer is now installed and I am downloading last Thursday’s edition of Mock the Week. It is an extremely slow process. I had to check my computer to make sure I hadn’t inadvertently connected to the internet using my 56k modem.

For a company who forces all UK residents to pay them in excess of £100 a year, I would have thought the BBC would have come up with something at least half decent, and not this piece of crap which resembles a college student’s attempt of an illegal peer to peer application. Channel 4's service, 4od is much better.

Now listen here BBC! If you don’t sort this out, I will have to take matters into my own hands again! I will kidnap another one of your “much loved” personalities. I did actually plan on taking Mike Reid hostage, but that kind of backfired on Sunday. If IMP is not working to my liking by Friday morning, I will kidnap JONATHAN ROSS - who’s going to present your Friday evening show now? MwaHaHaHaHa!

Get Well Soon, Evo!

I went to watch Bath City play Yate this evening. I didn’t think I would be returning to the place where City won the title for quite some time - luckily it was in a friendly and not a league match.

City won the game 3-0, but the result was marred by an injury to goalkeeper, Paul Evans. He appeared to hurt his head/neck in a collision and had to be taken off, leaving everyone’s favourite striker, Phil Walsh to go in goal.

At halftime, Evo was taken to Frenchay Hospital in Bristol after vomiting in the changing room. I saw him before leaving for the hospital, and he didn’t look good at all – he was shaking and appeared very pale – mind you, he had just puked up his dinner all over the changing room floor and players’ bags.

I was later informed that he was suffering from concussion and the trip to hospital was simply a precaution. I hope makes a fast recovery and doesn’t have to endure a 7 hour wait in A&E alongside drunks, chefs with missing fingers, and children with buckets stuck on their heads.

I was also amused when the physio handed a fan a vomit-filled bucket, and asked him to place it in the medical room. Bath City midfielder, Mike Green noticed this and his face turned the colour of his namesake – he ran off muttering “I’m not getting involved in this”.

Raining Rihanna

How weird is this? Rihanna's stupid Um-ber-ella song is no longer at No.1 in the singles chart, and today the weather is really nice and sunny – it's looking great for the rest of the week too. It is almost as if her 10 week reign coincided with the 10 weeks of torrential rain we've been experiencing. Spooky.

Some Sad News

I was saddened to hear the news that Mike Reid, most famous for playing Frank Butcher in EastEnders, died today.

Mike Reid’s fluorescent toothed character was always my favourite East-ender, and the soap was never the same after he left – one of the reasons I stopped watching it. Anyone remember this?

R.I.P. Guvnor

I Want My Imp!

Nope, I am not on about those annoying mutant imps found in Doom.

The imp I want is something totally different - an Integrated Media Player – otherwise known as the BBC iPlayer. This is a project the BBC have been working on for what seems like years (hang on, it has been!). Basically, it allows users to download BBC TV shows from the internet. For someone like me, who no longer has Sky+, it is a great invention.

After 3 years of testing and trials, the BETA (yes, you read that right) version was released on Friday. The BBC announced the news to everyone via TV, radio, internet and carrier pigeon. I signed up on Friday evening and was told that I would receive my login details shortly - they are yet to arrive.

It seems I am not the only person awaiting the almighty userID and password required to access the iPlayer. My friend, Mr. Watkins is also without access, as are various users of the Digital Spy forums. Annoyingly, another one of my friends has TWO accounts. One of which he gave to me. Due to complications though, I wasn’t able to use it.

So, this is a plea, no, a THREAT to the BBC…

GIVE ME MY IMP LOGIN DETAILS OR WOGAN GETS IT!!!

Jimny Carr Smells Of Dog

“Jimny Carr! What are you on about?” I hear you cry. No, I am not mad, and I haven’t been at the crack pipe. I am talking about Mr. Watkins’ new vehicle – a 2001 Suzuki Jimny.

When Watkins sent me the eBay link earlier in the week, I thought it looked more than a little impressive, and with only a few “Pimp My Ride” style modifications could be turned into a gangster car with blacked out windows and massive bass speakers. The experience of actually being driven was somewhat different.

It had a soft top roof, and by “soft top” I mean what looked like some soiled bed linen stretched across a hole in the top of the car. There was a scent of dog odour – this being down to the previous owner’s five pets. Instead of the massive Tim Westwood style stereo which I was expecting, there was an AM Radio - very snazzy. To add that extra bit of class, there were only two doors, requiring anyone wishing to gain access to the backseats, having to climb over the frontal area.

All in all, the car was better suited to The Dales rather than Dallas. Still, I take my hat off to Mr. Watkins. He bought it for a very reasonable price, mended a few faults, tidied it up and now hopes to be able to sell the car for more than double what he paid for it.

The new car was possibly the only blog-worthy topic of my Saturday. Watkins and Simon did come round to my flat last night, but that evening mainly comprised of re-watching the Top Gear episode as Simon hadn’t seen it, and going through some vintage Men Behaving Badly DVDs.

Ice Ice Baby

Did anyone see the Top Gear polar special this week? It was excellent!

In one of their more extreme and entertaining “experiments”, the lads made it their mission to travel to the North Pole. Jeremy Clarkson and James May made their journey in a super cool Arctic-modified Toyota Hilux, while Richard Hammond, not long out of hospital, after nearly having his head decapitated in a rocket-car accident, made the journey on skis and a dog-pulled sledge.

I won’t spoil it for you all by telling you everything that happened (it’s repeated tomorrow or can be downloaded from various torrent sites), but will say I was particularly amused by these moments…

• Clarkson and May drinking gin while driving – all good and legal in international waters
• Repairing a damaged wheel using lighter fluid and a blow torch
• Smashing their way through ice boulders and eventually destroying part of their only means of transport
• Nearly dying while driving on wafer thin ice
• Meeting a scary looking polar bear
• Hammond getting more than a little pissed off by a nagging woman and shitting dogs…
• Before nearly freezing to death in a tent
• And finding seal guts all over the snow

 
When I finally learn to drive, this will be my car

It Was Surprisingly Easy

Today’s “impossible mission” was a lot more feasible than I had imagined. I left work at 4.30pm and walked to the cinema with Sam. We arrived in good time and the pre-booked tickets caused no problems. We even had time to visit Weatherspoons pub, which I am now calling Chav Central.

There were no queues for popcorn or to get into the cinema screen – although Sam and I did mistake a random gathering of people for a queue and ended up standing aimlessly in the lobby for five minutes waiting for the queue-that-never-was to diminish.

As for the film, I was impressed - well, I’m a massive Simpsons fan, so unless Matt Groening was to drop a massive clanger, it was always going to please me. It was great seeing my favourite characters on the big screen, “Spiderpig” was excellent and there were some very funny moments, along with a particularly strange/disturbing one involving Bart Simpson’s genitalia… put it this way, Gary Glitter would probably like it.

My only criticism of the movie is that it did come across a bit like an extended episode, kind of like the Family Guy movie. It would have been nice to see a brand new concept, a bit like the South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut – still the best TV-movie transition ever.

The film finished in good time, allowing me to make a leisurely stroll to Twerton Park. I arrived on time, did not have to spend money on a taxi, or run and cause myself unwanted respiratory problems and heart attack.

The game was OK - as well as can be expected for an unplanned pre-season friendly. Simon turned up at half time and blagged himself entry for a mere £3 - I suppose he missed both of Craig Davidge’s first half goals though. It was good meeting him and we had to restrain ourselves my mocking Gloucester fans and players with the chant of

YOUR FOOTBALL PITCH
IS A SWIMMING POOL
YOUR FOOTBALL PITCH IS A SWIMMING POOL
IT’S GOT SOME ALGAE AT THE BOTTOM
YOUR FOOTBALL PITCH IS A SWIMMING POOL

Seriously, my sympathies go out to the residents of Gloucester. It must be hell having no water, flooded houses and wading around in sewage - a bit like a typical day in Huddersfield. I hope tonight’s game at Bath City Football Club raised GCFC some much needed cash.

Well that’s it for tonight. No doubt I’ll be blogging more over the weekend.

My Impossible Mission

I’ve got a task and a half tomorrow – trips to both the cinema and Twerton Park - in the same evening!

After work I’m going with Sam to watch The Simpsons movie. That starts at 5.30pm. Tickets have been booked and seats reserved – it cannot be changed - well it can, but I would lose quite a lot of money, and Sam would probably burn and stab me in a fit of rage.

I found out earlier in the week that Bath City will be playing Gloucester at Twerton on the same evening. City were scheduled to play in Gloucester that night (a game I was planning on missing), but the pitch is “slightly” waterlogged...

The game kicks off at 7.45pm. I expect to be out of the cinema at 7.30pm. Somehow I need to get from one side of town to the other in 15 minutes. I could either get a taxi, or save my money and run. I think I will go for the former. Running all that way in 15 minutes will probably leave me vomiting in the streets – or dead.

I am also left with one final problem – I wouldn’t have had time to have dinner. The cinema’s menu isn’t really what I would call wholesome food – popcorn, Ice Blast and Maltesers. Twerton Park probably won’t do much better, but I suppose burger and chips out of a polystyrene container just about constitutes as food.

The things I do for entertainment.

Cleaning My Crib

It’s hard to believe, but I have been living in my current flat for almost five months now. My rental agreement is up for renewal at the end of August, and because of this my letting agency are inspecting the property this Friday.

I spent sometime this afternoon tidying the place up – cleaning the blood and vomit from the carpet, filling in gaping holes in the wall, and hiding the crack pipes and needles which litter my floors.

It is now looking all ship-shape and Bristol fashion (although I prefer the term “Bath fashion” - Bath is so much nicer than Bristol). I hope my letting agency are impressed. They had bloody well better be – I have to pay them £50 PLUS V.A.T. for the privilege of extending my contract. Money grabbing bastards! I should hide a mad, rabid baboon inside the bathroom – that’ll give them a nice surprise when they inspect the shower!

A Very Busy Evening!

It was down to Twerton Park again this evening. This time City were taking on some strange, unknown team from League Two known as Hereford. Up until tonight, I knew nothing about them, or where they were even situated in England - in fact I am still unclear – no doubt Leeds will be playing them in a year or two’s time though, following yet another relegation.

Pre-match I met Simon down my local pub, The Dolphin. This time he brought along a posse of his friends in a vain attempt to convert them to non-league football. One didn’t seem to be a massive football fan, the other is a Spurs supporter, so the quality of football seen at non-league level would be nothing new to him.

We had a bite to eat in the pub. I found my choice of BBQ chicken & bacon to be less than satisfactory. While The Dolphin is good and convenient for drinks (and they sell Thatcher’s cider), I think I’ll be sticking to restaurants in town for my food in future.

The match was good. City played well, and considering Hereford are two divisions above Bath and have full time players, it was difficult to tell which team were the pros and which were amateurs. Frustratingly City did lose 1-0, but I think it was still another good performance with an encouraging degree of improvement.

Post-match I got dragged kicking and screaming by Simon to the club’s bar, where yet again he tied me down and force fed me a bottle of Magners, before kicking me out onto Twerton High Street and disappearing into the night with his friends. Luckily I made it home safely, but on my journey back, was startled at the riverside by some animal darting across the pavement in front of me. Due to the poorly lit path, it was hard to tell what creature it was, but I guess it was this…

Finally, for those interested, some poor quality photos from the match. Sorry, it’s the best I could manage with such a crappy camera. If somebody would like to buy me a new one, be my guest.

The Inevitable Return Of The Great Rain Cloud

Following a rather pleasant weekend, it's raining again this morning. Looks like I'm going to be wet for the rest of the day. Let normal service resume.

Simon The Bully

Before I start this blog, I would like to reference a discussion Simon and I had this afternoon on the content of both our sites. Apparently they contain either…

a) Simon’s side of the events (mostly lies)
b) My side of the events (the occasional stretched truth)
c) The truth (factual information)

Today’s blog contains 0% of ‘a’, 7% of ‘b’ and 93% ‘c’

I met Simon this afternoon. We ate lunch at my flat, had a drink in The Dolphin pub and played football in the local park. Simon tormented and bullied me all afternoon. Here are some examples of his abuse…

1) Stamping on my feet with his bladed football boots. A red card offence.
2) Forcing me to drink a pint of Thatcher’s cider. I begged and begged him for a J20.
3) Calling me a ‘Common farmer’. We can’t all be posh public school boys, Simon!
4) Inviting himself to my flat, post-football and thus ruining pre-planned family events.
5) Killing one of my pet fish and eating it alongside his wine and olives.

I feel so hurt and abused! :o(

Misleading Film Titles

Mr. Watkins came round last night for curry and a film. He wanted to watch something called The Astronaut Farmer. He had no idea if it was good or not, but just liked the name! At first I thought this was going to be a hilarious comedy about an astronaut working on a farmyard with cows, pigs and chickens. Either that or a movie about a farmer who goes onto the moon – something like “The Wurzels in Space”.

Alas it was none of these, it was a serious drama starring the man from Bad Santa - although this time he wasn’t swearing, drinking and pissing on the floor. It was about him building a space rocket in his back garden and how his little project was affecting his hick family.

Rubbish film and one we turned off after the first hour. I didn’t find out whether or not he made it into space, or just gave up and went back to being a hick. Quite frankly, I don’t care.

A Tale Of Gasheads And Drunken Northerners

Last night Simon and I attended the Bath City/Bristol Rovers pre-season friendly game. It was a strange match, especially the first half, where the referee was very poor indeed. Rovers scored many goals, most of which were from an offside position, or with the help of the “hand of God”. Therefore the first half result is void, and only the second 45 minutes applied.

Bath won the second half, or as I like to remember it, the whole match 2-1 with two amazing goals. Well done City! You are worthy champions!

After the game, we both went to the clubs bar, Charlie’s for a drink of local ale and cider, before heading home.

As I lay in bed, trying to get to sleep, my phone started ringing. I answered it, only to be greeted by a drunken northerner – my Hull based, Leeds supporting friend. Amidst the drunken northern slurs, I made out references to “pizza”, “meeting Ian Holloway in a bar”, “southern bastard”, and the chant “Leeds! Leeds! Leeds!”

Who The F**k Is Harry Potter?

I’ve heard all this media bollocks about children and parents queuing up for days to buy this new Harry Potter book. It begs the question – why?  I’ve never read a HP book or seen a HP film, and I never intend to – maybe I’m missing out on some amazing piece of literacy and a ground breaking series. I think not.

I did some searching on the net, and if you are a HP fan you may be pleased to know the following

HARRY POTTER GETS KILLED BY VOLDEMORT
SNAPE DIES
BURBABE DIES
HEDWIG DIES
MAD-EYE DIES
SCRIMGEOUR DIES
WORMTAIL DIES
DODDY DIES
FRED WEASLEY DIES
TONKS DIES
LUPIN DIES
COLIN CREEVY DIES
HARRY POTTER COMES BACK TO LIFE
RON MARRIES HERMIONE - THEY HAVE TWO CHILDREN
HARRY MARRIES GINNY AND HAS THREE CHILDREN
DRACO HAS A SON
THE BOOK ENDS WITH ALL THE CHILDREN GETTING A TRAIN TO HOGWARTS

I hope this makes sense. Having not read a HP book, I don’t know any of the character names or locations. The point of this blog is to tell fans what happens, save them queuing for hours outside Waterstones and drowning in a flash flood, and basically to piss them off :o)

One Man And His Bombs

Bomberman has FINALLY been released on Xbox Live!!! I noticed it while browsing in The Arcade this evening and immediately downloaded. White happened to be round at the time, and witnessed the excitement when I started to play, the glory of my first kill and the rage when I got blown up.

Incidentally, The Somerset Ninja (me) didn’t do very well against one particular group of American and Japanese gamers. After White left though, I played again and kicked ass - beating a load of teenagers and school kids 5-1-1. I made them cry. I’m a big man!

If anyone with the game dares take me on, my gamertag is Somerset Ninja. Be warned though – I’m a bad, invincible muthafucker.

Die Hard 4.0.1.2b SP2

And another thing. Assuming all communication networks were taken down, how did Kevin Smith's character manage to get onto the internet to heckle those baddies? I can't see him having his own private, million dollar internet backbone, especially living in the basement of his mother's house.

Die Hard 4.0.0.1a

I went to see Die Hard 4 this evening - I am refusing to call it Die Hard 4.0 as there is no need for the decimal place! I was keen to see this at the cinema, mainly because I was not old enough to see any of the previous three Die Hard films on the big screen.

DH4’s plot sees Bruce Willis do battle with a cyber criminal who plans to bring the whole of America down via a laptop and broadband internet connection. Naturally, all the Yanks are thrown into a state of emergency when their beloved technology turns on them. If this happened in real life, I would probably watch it on BBC News 24 from the safety of my English home, laughing at them! :o)

Working in the I.T. industry myself, I noticed some obvious flaws in the film. I’ll list a few here. To be honest, the movie was so full of errors it would probably be easier to list what they got right!

• Many of the WAN IP addresses shown in the film were actually LAN ones, and contained octets values of 800+. They can only go up to 255.
• It was mentioned that the baddies may download the whole of the American citizen system (bank, insurance, health details, etc) onto a removable hard drive. It’s not like you can transfer this amount of data onto your USB memory stick! If they could find a portable device capable of holding petabytes of information, the time it would take to transfer would be far too long for a villain hell bent on world domination!
• And even if they did transfer it successfully, it would be encrypted.
• You would also have thought that even the Americans would have secondary backups!
• The hijacking of everyone’s webcam also amused me.
• As well as the fake footage of the Capitol Building blowing up. This was done as a serious scene in DH4, but Austin Powers 2 did it tongue-in-cheek (with The White House) almost 10 years ago!

The film did leave me with something though - a fear of pressing the “Delete” button on my keyboard. You never know if there is a bomb hidden in the room...

They're Just Not Trying Anymore

One of the funniest and most pathetic scam e-mails I have seen to date. If anybody is stupid enough to get fooled by it, quite frankly they deserve to have their bank account hijacked.

Lloyd's TSB Group plc
25 Gresham Street
London EC2V 7HN

Greetings,

Following the recent development that Lloyd's T.S.B should transfer some of its operations to India and that all funds in accounts that have been dormant for over 15years be transferred to the Treasury i send this mail to you.

There is a dormant account in my office,without owner and beneficiaries. as Group Director of Finance LloydsTSB Group Plc. It will be in my interest to transfer this fund worth 20,000,000 million British pounds in an account offshore. If you can be a collaborator/partner to this please indicate interest immediately for us to proceed.

Remember this is absolutely confidential,as i am seeking your assistance as the beneficiary of this unclaimed funds, since we are not allowed to operate a foreign account. Your contact phone numbers and name will be necessary for this effect.
I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me.

My Regards,

Archie G Kane,
Director of Finance
Lloyd's TSB Group plc

Besides the poor use of the English language and obvious flaws, I had a laugh at these bits…

• No need for a ‘ in Lloyds
• Is it i or I?
• The scammers space bar is obviously fucked
• “20,000,000 million British pounds” – would that be £20,000,000,000,000 then?

What a buffoon! :o)

Homer Maaad!!!

My fist of anger was being waived firmly and angrily at the heavens this afternoon. Shortly before my home time, it started pissing it down really, really hard! Not only did I get absolutely drenched on the way home (to the extent where I looked like a drowned cat), but Bath City’s game against Bitton was called off!

My Weekend In Brief

Things I planned to do this weekend, but didn’t…

• Go and watch Die Hard 4.0 – Watkins and Simon refused (scumbags)
• Travel to Rugby so Watkins could buy a boat – it was sold (karma for Die Hard)
• Play football in a local park – it rained (and the pub looked inviting)
• Have dinner from KFC – went to Nandos instead (PeriPeri does not contain Ecoli)
• Win at Bomberman – I failed (Simon tipped a bottle of Sheppy's cider down my throat)
• Clean out fish tank – I’m starting to like the green, algae effect (very modern - like Ikea)
• Kill Ken Bates – lost my ticket to Monaco (lucky, lucky Ken)

A Happy Day For Sci-Fi Geeks

Read about this today and got rather excited.

The return of The X-Files sounds excellent - isn’t David Duchovny pushing 50 though? I don’t want to see a repeat of Roger Moore’s attempt to play James Bond in A View To A Kill. Gillian Anderson must be getting on a bit too, although I did see her on TV the other week (on that Princess Diana concert farce), and she looked amazing!

Melksham v City

I’m tired. Just a few points on my trip to Melksham FC.

Melksham 0-2 Bath City
Shit ground.
An actual sofa behind the goal!
Crappy HiFi speakers, fit for granny’s living room, hung from the stands.
Bath City's Martin Paul = bad boy. Elbowing some player in the throat. Naughty, naughty.
Cricket pitch, rugby ground, bowling green and fishing pond all in same complex.
Nice chips.

I’m off to bed.
Good night.

Apologies for a shit blog this evening.

City v Cheltenham

Simon the Gooner dared to come out and watch some real football this evening – Bath City v Cheltenham Town in a pre-season friendly. I met him at the local delicatessen as we both thought we would try some local pre-match pies. After eating, we walked down to Twerton Park and I picked up my season ticket. Look at it – beautiful.

With an hour to kill before kick off, we went into the club’s bar, Charlie’s, where Simon surprised me by ordering himself a bottle of Magners. I went for a bottle of the City Ale – after all, it’s been two months since I last tried some.

As for the game, it finished 4-0 to Cheltenham – absolute proof that you must not take pre-season friendlies too seriously - the result did not reflect the performance. City did well, and if it weren’t for the fact Cheltenham play their football three divisions higher, and have a fulltime squad, the result could have been a lot closer.

I should be off to Melksham on Thursday for an away friendly. Hopefully I’ll have some City goals to blog about.

Going Down To A Game At Twerton

Of course this isn’t Twerton Park, it’s Wembley Stadium. Twerton Park cost considerably less to build, has a better atmosphere and is home to a team of champions – Bath City.

The Romans return to football action tomorrow evening, in a pre-season friendly against the world super powers that are Cheltenham Town.

I’ll be heading down with Simon (my City shirt is in the washing machine as I type this blog). There I will collect my season ticket, drink some City Ale and receive the football fix that I have been waiting two long months to receive. Campioni! Campioni! OLE! OLE! OLE!

I Enter The Bidding War!

BREAKING NEWS:
I've just checked the contents of my wallet and desk drawers, and have a grand sum of £16.97. I will now contact the administrators up at Elland Road and make a late bid to buy Leeds United Football Club.

I know £16.97 doesn't sound a massive amount of money for a football club of Leeds United's size, but believe my offer to be a lot more generous than the one put forward by Ken Bates.

If all goes to plan, I will be the new owner come the close of business today. Keep checking Sky Sports News and BBC FiveLive for my progress.

Drink Up Thy Bitters

For the first time in what seems like months, Bath had a Sunday afternoon free of torrential downpours, and was actually gifted with the appearance of the sun.

To make full use of the unusual weather, Simon and I decided to have a game of football at a local park. Unfortunately, our plans were scuppered by a church fete taking place on our playing surface. We did consider demanding that the congregation move on, thus allowing us to play, but there were some scary looking members of The Women’s Institute selling cakes who we didn’t want to mess with.

Instead of football, we walked along the riverside to the marina, before returning to The Dolphin pub to enjoy a couple of drinks in the sunshine. Like a normal, well behaved chap I ordered a bottle of Magners. Simon however was not so straightforward, and confused the poor barmaid by asking for some obscure drink – Lemon & Lime Bitters. I hadn’t heard of it either, although looking at this website, I don’t know why every public house doesn’t sell the drink :o) So perplexed was the barmaid, that Simon nearly ended up with a revolting cocktail of lemon juice and Wadworth 6X Bitter. In the end he had to settle for a J20. Next time we go drinking, we’ll visit a upper class country club - maybe then will he be able to enjoy his strange, exotic and unknown beverage.

Time To Go, Mr. Bates

I think it would be best for all parties if Bates left his position in charge of Leeds United and moved in here. He can then see out his days, sitting in a chair, sucking Murray Mints and reminiscing about his time at Chelsea, rather than struggling to run one of the largest football clubs in Europe. Bye Bye Ken!

Porn For The Blind

I think that I played the Xbox a little too much yesterday. You know it’s bad when you find yourself trying to get to sleep, yet every time you close your eyes, you see Gears of War being played in your head. The last time I had this problem was after playing Doom on the PlayStation for 6 constant weeks during the school summer holidays.

My nights sleep was disturbed later on too. Remember I mentioned a few months ago about my noisy neighbours and their “bouncing” on a trampoline? Well they were doing that again last night, and some female sounded as if she was enjoying it rather a lot. It isn’t nice living below a set for a low budget porno, especially when filming takes place at 2 in the bloody morning! Luckily I had ear plugs to drown out the sounds, however if this behaviour continues, I will have no choice but to erect “NO PETTING” signs around the building, similar to those you see at the swimming baths.

"3-0, And You Fucked It Up"

… that was one of many taunts sung to Mr. Watkins on Friday evening after he threw away a 3-0 lead on Bomberman, allowing me to come back into the game and claim a much deserved victory. My recent Bomberman performances have been slated my some, but I think I silenced my critics last night - two games played, two victories.

The video gaming antics were preceded by a trip to Garfunkles. I wasn’t too hungry, so ordered a light pasta dish - sadly, it was adequate at best. I’m a crap cook, but even I could have managed to put together what was served up in front of me, and it would have cost a damn site less than £6.75!

A lesson: Garfunkles are great for steaks, chicken dishes and burgers – they also do an excellent “all day breakfast”, but when it comes to pizza and pasta, they’re RUBBISH. I wouldn’t hold out too much hope for their curry either.

A trip to the supermarket for mango sorbet and “posh cider” (which was recommended to me by Simon, Sainsbury’s drinks connoisseur) made things better, and filled the hole which was left by the small bowl of soft, overcooked pasta.

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

Any Leeds fans getting depressed about the thought of not having a club next season and going out of business, just remember “there’s always somebody worse off than you”. I’m sure Man City fans are feeling pretty sick right now… Sven’s baaack!

No Time For Losers

They said it couldn’t be done.
They said it was impossible.
They said it wouldn’t happen.
They were wrong.

I killed Sam, from work, on Gears of War. Not once, not twice, but three times

I will accept my award gracefully...

I AM THE CHAMPION
I AM THE CHAMPION
NO TIME FOR LOSERS
'COS I AM THE CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD!

Everything Must Go!

Leeds United manager, Dennis Wise is set his first task of the 2007/8 football season - erect posters outside the stadium and training grounds.

I was thinking - does the anti-slavery law apply to football players? I may pop up to Elland Road and see if I can bag myself a bargain - £100 for David Healy! I wouldn’t buy him to play football, I would force him to keep my flat tidy, make me meals and sing me to sleep with Irish folksong.

I Demand A Re-Count!

How does Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Resident Evil 4 and Super Metroid make the top 10 games of all time, while GoldenEye does not!

I’ve always hated Edge magazine…

Wet - again

I left the flat at 07:42. It was dry, so I left my umbrella behind. At 07:44, it started pouring with rain. It is now 08:29. I am sitting at my desk, soaked through, and expect to be so for the rest of the day. I am not happy.

A Great Advert For Contraception

While enjoying a farewell breakfast in the local café with Dan, something rather amusing took our attention.

In from the rain walked a young family - husband, wife and their two ginger children. Their mood had obviously been affected by the weather, and they took the dark atmosphere into the café.

- Child #1 wants to sit outside in the rain.
- Child #2 begins to have a tantrum as she wants a seat inside where it’s dry.
- Father tries to calm the children down.
- Mother snaps at father, who retaliates by saying “OK, how about I sit outside in the rain by myself?”
- Mother then has enough and suggests they all leave the café and go home.
- Father, pissed off and in desperate need of an espresso, turns his anger to Child #2 and accuses her of ruining the family day out.
- There is then a massive debate about who wants to eat/drink what.
- Family eventually decide to stay. They order their food and take their seats.
- Within 30 seconds, Father starts moaning “This café could at least have the Sunday papers!”… The truth being, the café did buy the Sunday papers. Dan thought he would help himself to them, hide them in his rucksack to read on the train journey back to London.

You had to feel for the parents. They looked young, in their 30’s, but it was clear they were aging prematurely – and fast. I suppose looking after two annoying, whinging ginger kids is enough to make anyone bald, grey and wrinkly. The puzzling thing was, both parents were not ginger, so why did they end up with a pair of auburn kids – how unlucky is that!!??

The Day Dan Came To Town

Dan made the trip from London to his hometown of Bath this weekend. He turned up at my flat yesterday afternoon, rather sodden from the rain, and demanding we make an immediate trip to a local café so he could buy himself a (late) breakfast.

After eating a rather strange looking sandwich, Dan returned to my flat, where he did what he has always done best – sitting on the sofa, drinking coffee while watching someone else play video games.

He demanded I play Gears of War. I don’t normally play this game, mainly because I am shit at it, but also as I become frustrated and angry when I get brutally slaughtered with chainsaws. Yesterday was different though. I entered a random session and stumbled across some young player who was more than happy to show me how to play. Dan seemed pleased, but like some of the international players in the session, became rather troubled by the behaviour of my team mate and I – both using excessively foul language in southern accents “fuckin’ cuntin’ baaastards”, etc…

Mr. Watkins then came round for his weekly visit, and took us to Nandos in town. It seemed like we spent two hours in the Portuguese restaurant, half of which was waiting for Simon to finish his shift at Sainsbury’s. In which time, Dan ate his way through enough chicken to populate a barn at a Bernard Matthews farm. A waiter asked us to change tables halfway through our meal - a large party wanted to sit in the area we were eating – “large” being the operative word. The party of fatties reminded me of a family of elephants (“They’re moving in herds. They do move in herds”). Anyway, I moved without complaining, mainly because I was offered a free drink for my troubles – never say "No" to a free bottle of cider (unless it’s White Lightning).

After eating, Dan and Simon returned to my flat to play Bomberman. Basically, the typical Saturday I always have, but with the presence of Dan.