Big Bastard Brother

Apparently I bare similarities and mannerism to Eugene from Big Brother 6. If I was to be likened to any of the previous Big Brother contestants, I would want it to be the legend that is Mr. Sully.

Now, unless the Big Brother house blows up, or there is a total overhaul of all this years’ contestants, I will not be mentioning the series at all on my blog. The entrants were simply ghastly. End.

Wanted: Some I.D.

I met Simon this afternoon. We had planned on finding a pub to watch the Championship Play Off Final. The Weston pub was closed, and The New Crown wasn’t showing any football, so we ventured across the river into BA2 and decided to check out The Golden Fleece.

The Fleece was showing the football, but annoyingly when Simon tried to buy a beer, he was refused as he wasn’t carrying any ID. I gave it a go, I too was refused. Bastards. I’m a little used to this harsh treatment, having been IDed by both Coopers and Sainsbury’s in recent months, but I expected better from Simon. Needless to say, we won’t be going there again.

At half time we took our youthful looks elsewhere to find a pub where we would be able to drink alcohol without prejudice. All the pubs in Twerton High Street were closed too! What was going on? In the end we decided to head back into the safety of BA1 and drink at The Dolphin. They weren’t showing the football, but at least I was able to have a relaxing drink, with good company in nice surroundings.

Even though I missed the match, I still had a good time. Just a shame my clothes were left stinking of smoke from my visit to The Fleece. Roll on 1st July!

Gears of War Champion

I changed my Xbox Live gamertag yesterday. I am now known as Somerset Ninja. Has it improved my game on Gears of War? Actually, it has a little. Since changing my name, I have made a few kills and am surviving for longer – although you could argue that all this practice is paying off.

Somerset Ninja wasn’t my first choice however. Here are some other tags I wanted which were unfortunately taken

• XBox Ninja
• Virtual Ninja
• Roman Ninja
• XBox Roman

... Don't ask where the Ninja/Roman obsession stemmed from.

While in the Xbox Marketplace, I also bought a couple of games from the arcade – Doom and Worms. These may be old, but they’re classics and will be great fun in multiplayer.

Global Warming, My Arse!

What is it with this English weather? I’m lying in bed right now, it’s pissing down outside and is freezing cold – anyone would think it’s the autumn!

Spring Bank Holiday. I suppose it would be too much to expect three hot and sunny days (even one would be welcome), where one could enjoy a nice riverside walk and a few hours in a pub beer garden.

I'm off to sleep now *shiver, shiver*

Rant over

Buoyed By My Weekend

I may not have won anything on that stupid duck game yesterday, but I didn’t leave Weston empty handed. Look what is taking pride of place next to the fish tank in my flat – does it seem familiar? :o)

She Sells Sea Shells...

Today Watkins and I went to Weston Super Mare. Here is a photo blog of our day out. As you can see, we were very busy. I am now extremely tired and as soon as I have finished this blog, will be going to bed – even though it is ridiculously early for a Saturday night.

Remember - you can click on the thumbnails for a full sized image.

Many a men have been lost here. We ignored the signs.


One of the main reasons to come to Weston


(Near) the end of the pier


This duck game caused me great frustration and cost me lots of money.
I didn't win anything.


This game caused Watkins great frustration and cost him lots of money.
He also didn't win anything.


A Homer Simpson rip-off, or a keyring of Kyle Gass from Tenacious D?


This pinball machine was so cool!


A worms eye view of the tide coming in.
If you really were a worm and could see this, you would be fucked...
unless you could swim.


A seagull. Nuff said.


Me flying a kite I bought. Was surprisingly entertaining.


These donkeys reminded me of Clerks 2.


Watkins and I found a stray buoy in the sea and bravely saved it.


We then played football with it.


This is me doing a spot of water sport.
Yes, it REALLY, REALLY is me - honest!

Get Your Paws off My Sausages!

After a dull and humid afternoon, yesterday evening was very nice. Chris, Sam, and I went straight from work to the Dolphin pub to enjoy a couple of pints in the beer garden. We then walked along the riverside to another pub, The Boathouse, where we had a delicious meal and another drink or two.

We sat outside while we ate, and a number of dogs wanted to share our meals. You would have thought it would be annoying to have slobbering dogs jumping up at your table, trying to nick your dinner, but these dogs were so cute and friendly, you couldn’t help but pay them attention. They certainly had a taste for steak and sausages. Unfortunately for them, all they got was a few friendly strokes and not any of our meat.

After the meal, we walked back to my flat and watched Clerks 2. I have seen this film before, but it’s so good I didn’t mind watching it again and showing it to Chris and Sam who, up until yesterday were Clerks Virgins.

The film was just as funny the second time round, however the scene with the man and the donkey was rather disturbing. Mainly because our network administrator had pointed out the astounding resemblance he shares with the donkey’s "handler". It was very, very scary.

For Fox Sake!

An unexpected guest turned up in the garden this morning.

Isn’t she beautiful! Just sitting out in the morning sun, after a night out chasing cats, eating chickens, and whatever else that foxes do for fun. I was tempted to throw her some food, but I don’t think the ground floor flat would appreciate it. More foxy pictures if she comes back.

Turn it Off and On Again

Today was a busy day at work. Some swine thought it would be a clever idea to plug an ADSL router into the network. It wasn’t a good idea. It fucked the system - badly. The offender was tracked down and shot like a dog.

The problems didn’t end there. 10 minutes before home time, a major system died. Worse still, this system is maintained by an external company. An external company run by donkeys. I finished work at 5pm, leaving a major system fucked. What can I say? It was out of my control.

It is now the evening and I am now relaxing - eating pizza and having a beer, sitting on the sofa, ready to watch The Champions League Final. Apparently this is a rather important match on the football calendar.

Utter Humiliation

Last night I played Gears of War online for the first time since I got it for Christmas. Sam, who has been playing the game religiously since December, met me online to show me the rules in Co-operative mode, before blasting the shit out of me on the Deathmatch. I was humiliated, destroyed, violated and raped.

Still, I’m not one to give up. I will be practicing until I can enter the Gears of War Ring with dignity, and destroy Sam and all the other opponents. If not, I’ll just kick his ass on Dead or Alive 4… maybe. If I ever play him at Fifa 07 however, may God have mercy on his virtual soul.

Broadband Kicks Ass

It’s sooo good to have broadband back! Big downloads, fast web browsing, Xbox Live!!! I am sure you can guess how I spent the rest of my weekend!

Saturday

Yesterday I met Watkins. Simon couldn’t make it as he is going on holiday - trekking up some Welsh mountains with his mate, with only a small tent for shelter. References were made to Brokeback Mountain – they did not go down well.

Watkins and I went for some food and a pint at The Harvester, followed The George pub in Bathampton. We then drove to the cinema in Bristol where we watched The Magicians.

The Magicians is a film starring David Mitchell and Robert Webb, and is made by the creators of Peep Show. Good film. Peep Show fans should look out for a number of other familiar faces.

High Def Spiders

My Friday night was a little different this week. Instead of spending the evening with Simon and Watkins, watching Peep Show, playing Bomberman and eating Nandos, I went out with Chris and Sam from work.

After a couple of pints at The Sizzler pub, I was lead deep into uncharted areas of Bath where I have never been before – Odd Down.

Odd Down is within BA2, which meant I had to pass car fires, dead bodies, prostitutes, crack dealers and playground chavs. I eventually arrived at Chris’ house, luckily unscathed.

Chris showed off his impressive AV setup, including massive high definition television and surround sound system. Sam brought round his PlayStation 3 and a racing game. I experienced a case of “technology overload” which caused me to drool some high definition saliva (like Homer in that 3D Simpsons episode).

We then watched a BlueRay copy of Casino Royale. Even though the film wasn’t amazing, the picture and sound quality was - I could watch anything on that TV, however poor! What made things even better was the sofa with a mechanical footrest. I want to take up residence in his living room!

When I got home, I discovered my broadband was live. I was happy. I also discovered something else. A spider. I was scared. The spider is now dead, but having seen two beats in two days is very, very alarming. I may call my letting agency and ask if they can call out pest control.

FINALLY on Broadband!

No less than 3 days after moving back to BT for line rental, my ADSL was activated – a week earlier than promised. This service is the mirror opposite of TalkTalk. Well done BT. Top job.

Another Spider Attack!

Oh my God! Just as I was writing the blog below, a massive beast of a spider casually walked across my living room floor. As I jumped up onto the sofa like a terrified school girl, the monster carried on its journey, obviously a lot less scared of me than I was of it.

This kind of behaviour is clear to anyone that spiders are not afraid of humans and fully intend to kill us. Still, I had the last laugh - Mr. Spider is now dead, pummelled to death by a cushion, before being gassed with Raid spray and trapped under a glass. I am safe… for now.

Nearly on Broadband

This time in a week, I will finally be live on broadband (well, fingers crossed). A nice chap from BT called me this morning to confirm the ADSL installation, and that I can expect speeds of 5.5mbps. I found their customer service a total contrast to that of TalkTalk. In the world of BT, the customer is respected. In the world of TalkTalk, the customer is a twat.

With the go live date growing ever near, it’s time to dust off the 360 and get my Xbox Live membership renewed. I have challenged a work colleague/friend/nemesis to a few games of Dead or Alive 4. I have made it my mission to win and take the bragging rights back to the office. Defeat would mean failure and thus cause me to cry, hide in a home made tent and eat Dairylea.

Poorly PCs

There was a virus outbreak at work today. Luckily it was the variety which only attacks computers, so the spraying of vomit and human excrement within the office was kept to a minimum.

Still, it was a tad scary (and amusing) to see how the virus spread from one machine to another. I am yet to find the source of it. My detective finger points to a naughty person looking at things they shouldn’t on the internet, or a careless fool with an infected memory stick.

When the culprit is found out, they will no doubt be beaten and flogged with a wet sock until they promise to never hurt a computer, microchip or IT peripheral ever again - this all being standard business procedure, just ask Bill Gates.

I've Been Set Free

Hallelujah! I have been released by the tyrant which is TalkTalk. My telephone line is once again owned by British Telecom and will soon be on broadband – finally!

Respect the Ref!

Yesterday afternoon I made my way to a very sodden Twerton Park to cheer on Simon. His work, Sainsbury’s, had hired the pitch for some kind of team building match. As well as lending my support, I also went along to have a kick around pre-match and live the dream by scoring a goal at The Theatre of Dreams – which I did like a pro.

Due to the poor state of the pitch, I ended up taking a few tumbles and getting rather muddy – still, it looked like I have worked hard :o)

There was a cost to pay for my time on the pitch however. The linesman failed to turn up, and the match referee approached me to be his assistant - running up and down the pitch, looking for when a player strayed offside, kicked the ball out of play, or committed a foul.

I was a little scared at first, and thought that 90 minutes of running would cause me to fulfil another “Twerton Park Feat” – vomiting on the pitch. Luckily my fitness wasn’t as poor as I thought, and I managed to survive the game without even breaking a sweat – or getting punched by a player for flagging them offside.

I cannot remember the final score, but it was something ridiculous like 4-4. Simon’s team lost on penalties. Normally I would wish Mr. Goater my commiserations, but as a match official I must stay impartial.

On the way out of Twerton Park I managed to grab a few tufts of turf which had been kicked from the pitch. I’ve planted them in a plant pot in my flat. Sam, a work colleague, said this was very sad and the only time that tuft should be kept is if it’s from Wembley Stadium. I replied saying that I would prefer the turf of Twerton to that of Wembley.

On reflection of my experience, I must say from a physical point of view, it is a lot easier than I imagined – which is probably why you see so many fat referees. From a mental point of view, being a linesman is rather difficult. Not only do you need to watch the ball, but incidents away from the action, looking out for fouls, offsides, etc – all at the same time! One of the most difficult things I found was remembering what team to award a throw to when the ball went out of play.

When I return to Twerton Park next season as a supporter, I will try to be more patient with the linesman and not give him an onslaught of abuse… I am sure that’ll last all of 15 minutes.

Handyman

A few lines from Friday’s episode of Peep Show which have kept me smiling all weekend.

“I love kids… not in a bad way, in a nice way… I mean I’m not on the Child Protection Register… yet! Which proves I’m not a paedo… either that or I’m an incredibly hard to detect paedo.”

“Jeremy’s literally thrown me to the bloody lions! What’s next, crucifixion? Is he going to have me actually nailed onto a cross?”

“I’m his handyman. He did expect me to… give him a hand.”

Bank Holiday Weekend

Yesterday, Watkins and I went for another canal walk. Due to the weather being nice and a bank holiday weekend, it was very busy. The tow path seemed to be overrun with dogs, children and bikes – all of which were very annoying. This being the case, along with Watkins having to work the night shift at Sky, we decided to only walk 6 miles.

Today has been a very lazy Bank Holiday Monday. I haven’t left the flat. Instead I played a bit of Fifa 07, spent too much time chatting on MSN and compiled a 35 hour playlist of all my favourite tunes from a ridiculously large MP3 collection.

Here are some photos from yesterday’s walk.

Mr. Watkins daringly enters the aqueduct


Can someone pass the Peri Peri?


A random man caught on camera, just before falling into the canal

Team Bath = Team Losers

Football is a funny game - it can be totally unpredictable. Take for example Team Bath. Their squad not only receives sponsorship, but also money from the UK taxpayer, enabling their players to train every day, effectively making them fulltime professionals.

With that in mind, you would expect them to succeed in a league where all their rival teams are made up of part time players who make a living from plumbing, teaching and various other everyday trades.

Even though the university associated Team Bath have all that backing, they still finished second in the league to the mighty Bath City, and today lost the play off final to Maidenhead United – in their home ground (well Bath City’s).

I went down to Twerton Park this afternoon to cheer on Maidenhead, hoping and praying that they would win and condemn the “students” to another year in the British Gas Business League. I was not disappointed. On a beautiful afternoon, Maidenhead United taught the wannabe players a lesson in football. The game finished 1-0, but Team Tax were well and truly beaten.

At full time, Maidenhead and Bath City fans celebrated in unison on the pitch, while Team Bath players slumped off to the changing rooms to eat Pot Noodles (or whatever students have nowadays). I happily shook the hands of various Maidenhead fans, who thanked me for the support and rightly pointed out that we’ll meet again next year – unlike Team Bath.

Well done Maidenhead! See you next season!

Team Bath – enjoy another season in the Mickey Mouse league. Pity for you that you are not allowed to re-sit the final - you were rubbish! :o)

If I Bought Leeds

So Leeds United went into administration this afternoon, only to be bought by their chairman Ken Bates. A tad confusing and an area I won’t pretend to fully understand. One thing you can be sure of – Ken Bates is a tight fisted old man who won’t have been ripped off. At the same time, some poor sucker will be out of pocket as a result of today’s events.

I’m happy that the majority of the debts have gone and Leeds have survived, but a tad sad I didn’t get chance to make a bid for the club myself. I’ve just emptied my wallet and have a grand sum of £7.31. Had I known about the plans, I would have offered the administrators my fortune.

Things I would do differently if I owned Leeds United

1) Hire a jockey and his horse to take training. Some of those lazy players could get chased with a whip around the training ground.

2) Sack the stewards that parade the stands and harass the fans week in, week out. I would then buy parrots and train them to fly up and down the Kop asking the fans “Can you sit down please? Can you sit down please? Can you sit down please? Can you sit down please?” – Not too different from what happens at the moment.

3) I would also replace the gobby git on the Elland Road tannoy. I’m not one to put a man out of work though – I would make him a steward and stick him with the away fans. He can entertain them with his jibber jabber.

4) Apparently the Leeds United Ladies are playing rather well. My plan would be to get them playing in the men’s first team. I would need to persuade them to have a sex change, however having looked at some of them, they appear to be halfway there already.

Can You Hear ManU sing?

Thank you to Manchester United Football Club for giving me the biggest laugh of the season – losing 3-0 to AC Milan.

Thank you to Alex Ferguson for playing an injured Nemanja Vidic, an incompetent Darren Fletcher and a useless John O'Shea against the world super powers of Kaka and Gattuso.

Thank you to Cristiano Ronaldo for trying your party tricks on the grass of the San Siro and failing to play any decent football. Your antics did not impress the Milan defence, who dealt with you easily.

Thank you to Rio Ferdinand and Alan Smith. Thank you for leaving Leeds and giving the Whites a lot of transfer money. Injured or just crap, you couldn't make the starting XI of a poor, losing side.

Thank you to the Manchester United fans. Your arrogance has annoyed everyone over the years, but last night it was all worthwhile to see you truly humiliated by a far better side.

Leeds may be in League One, but you played like them last night.

Can you hear ManU sing? I can't hear a fucking thing!

TalkTalk Latest

More news on TalkTalk. Following my threatening e-mail to the company's chairman, Charles Dunstone, I had a couple of messages left on both my mobile and landline answer phone.

The messages came from one of Mr. Dunstone's top dogs and contained a grovelling apology for the delay, along with a confession –  due to unforeseen circumstances, my broadband will not be live until 13th May! Call me sceptical, but I don't think they ever intended to get me on before mid-May. I promptly asked to cancel EVERYTHING, to which they accepted.

I then called BT, saying all was forgiven, and begged them to take me back. They agreed. I also signed up for their broadband service. It's a little more expensive than most ISP's, but after careful research (something I didn't do before signing up to TalkTalk), they seem to be very good.

Following the cancellation, I received another grovelling message from TalkTalk, this time asking if there was anything they could possibly do in order to assist me with my return to BT. After a further telephone call with them this morning, I have had my cancellation formally accepted, an apology issued and all outstanding charges I owe (about £34) wiped out.

Assuming everything goes to plan and I return to BT smoothly, I will be a happy bunny. I retract my statements about Charles Dunstone being a crook. Based upon my own personal experience, I cannot retract my opinion on the overall TalkTalk service. Why did I have to resort to contacting the chairman of a major company in order to get a result? I found TalkTalk to be unprofessional, unreliable and a farce. I wouldn't recommend them to anyone. But that's just me. Maybe they have millions of very satisfied customers…

My Night as a Hemel Fan

Last night I wandered down to Twerton Park. Bath City's season may be over, but their tax funded tenants, Team Bath, still have play off games to contend. Not being a fan of the university team, I went along to give my support to their opposition, Hemel Hempstead.

The atmosphere was somewhat different to that of a City game – for one thing there were hardly any home fans. There were also three sets of supporters. Hemel brought a small army of fans, along with some massive flags. Team Bath had a handful of friends and family of the "students" but still a very poor turn out for a semi-final home tie. The vast majority of the crowd was in fact Bath City supporters, coming down to gloat about their recent victory and try to mess things up for Team Bath.

Disappointingly Team Bath won 3-1 and will play in the final on Saturday. Highlights of the evening included their over excited announcer on the tannoy. I half expected him to shout out "Let's get ready to rumble!" He did make me laugh though – at the start of the match, he wished happy 60th birthday to a "life long Team Bath fan". Considering Team Tax have only been in existence since the late 90's, I struggle to believe he has been supporting them all his life!

After the game, I wandered down to the club bar with a group of slightly down hearted Bath City fans to watch the final part of the Liverpool/Chelsea game. What a great tie. I was so pleased for Liverpool. Well done to all their fans and players.

The Team Bath and Hemel players also joined us and ate a healthy post-match meal of sausage and chips – no wonder City are champions. The Hemel players seemed surprisingly upbeat considering their promotion dreams had just been shattered. Proof that even in non-league football, some players just don't give a damn about their club.