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Leeds Down - again
My blog celebrates its third birthday this weekend. One of the first blog entries I made was my thoughts on Leeds United’s relegation from The Premier League to The Championship. Three years on I am blogging again about another relegation for Leeds, this time to the far reaches of League One. I know that there are many people to blame for this. People who have not given the effort Leeds United deserves. People who have financially raped the football club and its fans. People who don’t deserve to be associated with a football club as great as Leeds. These people are as follows. Ken Bates – senile old man from Chelsea, living in tax exile. Think that says it all. Kevin Blackwell – his tactics in Cardiff last May cost Leeds a place in the Premiership. His signings left Leeds with an overweight, elderly squad, fit for relegation. John Carver – just because he’s a Geordie who worked with the great Sir Bobby Robson, it doesn’t make him any good. During his short time in charge, he humiliated Leeds at the highest of levels. I will never forget losing 5-1 at Luton. Kevin Nicholls – spineless captain who wanted out when he was needed most. David Healy – a prime example of a player putting country before club. Jonathan Douglas – given the captains armband. Is sent off late into the season, simply for losing his temper. The whole first team squad – On paper, a squad capable of pushing for promotion. The sack of shit let everyone down. Useless twats. I am also a Bath City fan and watched The Stripes battle week in, week out. When I’ve watched Leeds, they have lacked any fight. That is why Bath are champions and Leeds are down! I hope that next season all of the above have fucked off and will disassociate themselves from Leeds United Football Club. Two Leeds United employees I do have time for are the manager Dennis Wise and his assistant Guy Poyet. Both have worked under extremely difficult circumstances. I hope they stay at Elland Road and help in next seasons rebuild.
TalkTalk Still Sucks
Unsurprisingly, my broadband is still not live. I spent a long time on the phone to TalkTalk’s customer “services” representatives yesterday and got nowhere. At one point I was told to call back “sometime… no… in 15 minutes… errr…. in 30 minutes… it’s up to you”. Professionalism at its best, I am sure you can agree. This morning I tracked down Charles Dunstone’s personal e-mail address. Believe it or not, it’s not cunt@talktalk.net - Mr. Dunstone doesn’t use TalkTalk - further proof that he is more of a crook than an idiot. After sending a strongly worded e-mail (with a slight threat of legal action) to dunstonec@cpw.co.uk, I received this reply. Dear Mr. ######Many thanks for your email, I am extremely sorry to hear of the problems you are experiencing with the connection of your broadband account and concerned that you have had to contact to me in search of resolution.I have got someone investigating what has gone wrong and we will be back to you shortly.In the meantime, please accept my sincere apologiesRegardsCharles DunstoneI Googled a line from it and it has been sent out to other customers. A little annoying, but at least I’m getting somewhere… 1) He has stated, in writing, that he will investigate the problem - a valuable piece of documentation should I ever need to take legal action. 2) The Google search only threw up a few results. This was not an automated response, somebody did read it. Maybe it was Charles, maybe his secretary, maybe the cleaner - but somebody did read and acknowledged it. 3) He’s investigating what happened. Now, I know he isn’t the most trustworthy man in the world, but after reading web forums, it does sound like he gets stuff done. I will keep you informed.
Charles Dunstone is a c**t
Sorry to anyone offended by that blog title. No apologies however to Charles Dunstone, the Managing Director of The Car Phone Warehouse and the infamous internet service provider, TalkTalk. Last month I signed up for their telephone and internet service, ignoring poor media publicity received by the ISP. On hindsight I made a terrible mistake. My TalkTalk phone line is working (I’ve been one of the lucky ones), however my broadband is not. My broadband “go live” date is now over a week late. It is not as if they have haven’t had long enough to sort it out (I have been a customer for almost 6 weeks). I have been given various connection dates by their staff – none of which have been met. What’s more, when I do finally get connected, I can look forward to broadband speeds which equal that of a 56k modem! My dad is unfortunate enough to have the service and downloading music, videos and anything else you would expect to do on broadband technology is impossible! Luckily TalkTalk offer a 30 day trial to new customers as of January 2007 (I pity those who signed up last year). As soon as I go live on my broadband, I am getting out of their “service” immediately, returning to BT and finding an independent ISP. A final warning about TalkTalk and their founder… - BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ – THEY ARE SHIT
- CHARLES DUNSTONE IS EITHER A CROOK OR A CRAP BUSINESSMAN
- THE BROADBAND IS NOT FREE – COMPARE YOUR TALKTALK BILL TO A BT ONE
- IF YOU WANT REAL BROADBAND, STICK WITH BT AND FIND AN ISP
- IF YOU WANT OLD 56K MODEM BROADBAND AND A LONG, LONG WAIT, SIGN UP FO TALKTALK.
Mr. Dunstone, if by chance you are reading this blog and would like to discuss these issues with me, feel free to get in touch. If you can prove to me that you can provide a good service and fulfil your companies promises, I will indeed stay with TalkTalk and withdraw my comments.
MySpace is Dead
Hahaha! Check out my MySpace page! You’ll see that I have destroyed it. Never more will I receive MySpace associated e-mails from skater dudes, coke heads and paedos! Mr. White, you may have forced me at gunpoint to create the account, but now I have destroyed it – your reign of terror and internet dominance over me is over! Mwa Ha Ha Ha Haaaa!
A Thought for Leeds
I was probably the only City supporter yesterday who, while ecstatic about the result, was also very saddened at full time. At Five O’clock, when the champagne was flowing at Yate, I received the very worrying fulltime score from St. Mary’s Stadium. Leeds had lost 1-0 to Southampton. Worse still, all their relegation rivals had picked up points. Unless an astonishing fight back takes place in United’s final two games, along with an almighty annihilation of one of their relegation rivals, Leeds will be playing League One football next season. You may think that watching a local, non-league side win the league would ease the pain and make things better – it does not. I have a love for Bath City, but a very special love for Leeds United. My original “big team”, who brought me many memories and great players – Mark Viduka, Alan Smith, Lucas Radebe, Dom Matteo – the list goes on. League One or not, I will still go to watch Leeds whenever I can next season, and just because I have found affection to my local team, Bath City, I still love The Whites just as much as I did all those years ago.
Championi! Championi!
Bath City have done it - they’re champions after beaten Yate 2-1. What a day! The first half was terrible. At half time we were trailing 1-0 and were all worrying about bubbles bursting. The second half was the turnaround. City equalised, and as news filtered around the ground that promotion rivals, Team Bath, were losing we all started to believe again. Promotion became a reality when City scored the winner. It wasn’t long before the referee blew his whistle to mark the end of the match. This sparked a mass pitch invasion. Hundreds of City fans scaled the metal barriers, climbing onto the dry, dusty pitch, to congratulate their players. The champagne, which has been on ice for so long, finally came out and the party started. Players, fans and City backroom staff, all partying at Yate’s tin hut of a ground. The coach journey home was equally erratic, with the driver celebrating the victory by giving us a tour of Bath city centre, sounding the coach horn at every opportunity, leaving tourists and Bath residents looking rather scared.  "... and I spanked her like this" Craig Davidge now has a statue in his honour Going up!!! "That's why we're champions!" Pitch invasion! "Champagne! Champagne for everyone!" "He's ugly as fuck, but he's taken us up" Champions! Jim Rollo - pissed already! "We'll never play you again!"
Graham Poll in Disguise?
Every football fan knows the song from the terraces “The referee’s a wanker, he wears a wanker's hat…” Tonight, the chant couldn’t have been more fitting. Bath City away to Mangotsfield United. If City won, they would champions. If not, the champagne would sit in the bucket for ice for another few days.
Bath drew 0-0. They should have won. This is not down to missed chances by the strikers, Bath scored two – BOTH disallowed. Neither is it down to the strong defence of the opposition - they were clumsy, violent thugs, who on any other day, would have been sent off. No, for once, every piece of blame can be put upon the shoulders of the referee and his linesmen - they had a mare! Disallowed goals, penalties not given, players staying on the pitch that should be off it – the list goes on. I can quite honestly say, it was the worst performance from a football official I have ever seen.
So, we have to wait a few more days for the game against Yate at the weekend, or just pray that Team Tax fail to win at Tiverton on Thursday. Hopefully then, City will finally be Champions.
By the way – if anyone captured my wild celebration for the ‘goal that never was’ in the second half, where I climbed onto the wall and swung from the goal net support bar, let me know! :o)
My Night with a Bird
I awoke to another strange noise last night. I am pleased to report that it wasn’t by neighbours fucking again (or bouncing or trampolines). At 3am, in a dazed and confused state, my initial thoughts were that a drunkard had somehow found his way over the garden fence and was lying, suffering in a bed of nettles. As I had received no missed calls on my mobile from White, Spratt or any other known drinkers, I listened again. Now more awake, I realised the noise was, in fact, an owl (whether it was drunk or not, I don’t know). I spent some time looking for my new feathered friend, but alas I couldn’t spot him, although he did carry on hooting for quite some time. If he wants to come back tonight and wake me up with his night call, he’s more than welcome – I may even buy some hamsters and gerbils from the pet shop for him to eat.
Match of the Day
As promised, here are some clips from Bath City. I was trigger happy with the camera and managed to capture some good moments. Firstly, Darren Edward’s opener for CityMartin Paul making it 2-0And my favourite – the opposition keeper taking the worst goal kick ever. Look at the bemused players, who don’t know where the fuck the ball has gone. Also listen out for the City fan in the background “Absolutely hilarious!”
Board Up Your Windows
Last night, Mr. White threw one of his infamous house parties. Within minutes of my arrival, he was blasting out music into his back garden, at a greater volume than a Norman Cook beach party. It wasn’t long before an elderly neighbour, scurried to the end of her garden, collecting parasols, tables, chairs and items of value, and locking them in a summer house, before boarding up the windows and doors. She knew all too well about the hell which was about to unveil over the course of the night. The evening was surprisingly rather refrained. Nobody drank to the extent of having their stomach pumped, there was no rape, and Mr. White did not have to fight the mad neighbour who lives at the foot of his garden. Most of the drinkers were sharing what looked like a gallon of vodka, and an even larger bottle of cider. I stuck to my Bath Gem and Carlsberg, while Simon drank a whole bottle of wine (and yes, like last time, he did spill it). Watkins remained the only T-Total member of the party, yet still managed to make the most amounts of noise and eccentric behaviour, as the photos below suggest.  Mr. White hits a new low – drinking fucking diesel “It’s for medicinal purpose!” Kay places her burger on Mr. Watkins’s bapsAnd yes, that is a table lamp you can see outside! Insert your own caption here I feel this picture represents the havoc brought upon White’s usually quite home, when his parents take a holiday. Mr. White stole my camera and took this subdued picture. “This crack is so moorish” Barbecued cheese – mmmmm… “Time to leave, Mr. Watkins!”
Nearly Champions...
What a beautiful Saturday afternoon! The sun was out and the skies clear - the perfect weather for watching a thrilling game of football. I joined a packed crowd at Bath City’s Twerton Park for the penultimate home game of the season, against Maidenhead United. Bath needed to win and hope that their closest rivals, Team Bath lost. City won 2-1, but unfortunately Team Bath also got 3 points. Looks like I’ll have to wait until Tuesday’s game, away to Mangotsfield in Bristol. I got a few videos from the game, which I am currently uploading to YouTube using my ancient 56k internet connection (hopefully getting broadband next week). When these are available, I’ll post links on here. In the meantime, here are some pictures from the game (click on the small image for a high-res pic).  One of the biggest banners I've seen at Twerton You would be forgiven for thinking Arsenal were playing Same old Arsenal - always cheating.
He Broke Her Back
In honour of the new series of Peep Show, and because I asked him to, Mr. Watkins cooked one of his infamous curries for Simon and me last night. Good work John, it was very nice – I hope you noticed that I ate all of mine and refrained from spilling any rice on the floor – unlike a few previous incidents. After curry, we settled down and watched the highly anticipated first episode of Peep Show series 4. What a fantastic episode! I was a little worried the whole thing would be somewhat of an anti-climax or fail to live up to previous episodes, but I was not disappointed. Everything from Mark ripping a pheasants head off to Jeremy getting “nookie” from Mark’s soon-to-be mother in law (“ I AM James Bond”) was simply superb. Well done lads, I can’t wait for next Friday’s episode. After Peep Show, Simon and Watkins left, and I stayed up playing Fifa 07 on the PS2 before retreating to bed – late. As I lay in bed, trying to sleep, I became aware of a rather distressing noise, which disturbed both my sleep and mental well being. The sound was coming from the flat above mine and appeared to be a frequent, vigorous sound of springs in motion, as if somebody was jumping on a trampoline. I am not aware of any children or gymnasts in the building, so assumed, to my horror, that the resident in the flat above was having a sex session – probably an orgy. I quickly reached for the ear defenders and enjoyed a nice, quite sleep. I really hope that I don’t hear the sexual experiences of Peter Stringfellow and his whores again tonight. With any luck, he will have broken the bed springs or better still, his back.
14 Hours to Go...
Until Peep Show returns to Channel 4! Hen-mania!
A Plague of Spiders
I feel sick. Sick with fear. This evening, I was unexpectedly attacked by a spider in the kitchen of my flat. It just sat on the kitchen floor, fearless, while I lay in the corner of the room, quivering like a beaten puppy. Worst of all, my only means of defence, spider killing spray, was in the cupboard BEHIND where the spider was sat. I ran to the bathroom to collect the most unpleasant and dangerous looking chemical I could find – Cif Bathroom Mousse. After emptying half a can of the cleaner onto the spider, it lay motionless. Taking no chances, I reached for the cupboard and pummelled the spider with Raid insect killer spray. I then manage to capture the beast under a glass and coffee mat. The spider is still alive and held captive on my kitchen floor. I daren’t move the glass for fear of the spider escaping and running up my arm. I will have to wait for it to die. The glass is blocking my fridge, so retrieving food has become a major problem. There is also bathroom cleaner and insect poison all over the kitchen. Can spiders eat through glass?
Clash of the Titans
Try reading this in the style of one of those ‘movie trailer announcer guys’ - it sounds cool, especially at the same time as playing Prokofiev’s Montagues and Capulets. AS THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS
TO THE END OF THE FOOTBALL SEASON
THERE IS ONLY ONE GAME THAT REALLY MATTERS
FORGET ABOUT CHELSEA-UNITED
DON’T BOTHER WITH THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
THE SINGLE MATCH
THE WHOLE SEASON HAS BEEN BUILDING TOWARDS
TAKES PLACE... IN SOMERSET
BATH CITY, JUST A FEW POINTS AWAY FROM A LEAGUE TITLE
FACE THEIR BIGGEST RIVALS – CHIPPENHAM TOWN
WHO HAVE SET THEIR HOPES ON THE PLAY OFFS
THEY’LL BE ACTION
THEY’LL BE TEARS
THEY’LL BE GOALS
ONE TEAM WILL WALK AWAY VICTORIOUS
THE OTHER BITTER LOSERS
(UNLESS IT’S A DRAW)
IT’S A GAME YOU MUST ATTEND
MISS IT AT YOUR PERIL
TWERTON PARK, BATH
3PM, EASTER MONDAY
I’m off to Twerton Park in an hour to watch it. I’m bringing my camera this week, so expect some photos from the afternoon.
Bathampton Banshee
Did anyone see a car driving erratically through Bathampton this evening? I have exclusive footage from inside the car. The identities of those within the vehicle, especially the screaming driver, will remain undisclosed for their own protection and dignity.
Yukka Pies
I had a Pukka Pie for dinner last night - it was foul. The last time I had one was after football, when I had drank a couple of pints, thus increasing my appetite and tolerance of crap food. Last night I was sober and did not enjoy the pie at all. I think I’ll stick to The Pieminister from now on – they’re delicious.
Easter Eggs
Ever wondered how Easter Eggs are made?
Damn Servers!
Can’t upload my blog! Grrr!
Wanted: A Cleaner
I’m now off work until Wednesday, thanks to Easter – a break which couldn’t come soon enough. This morning was spent giving the flat a much needed spring clean – a boring, yet somewhat satisfying task once complete. I am pleased to report that during my clean, I did not find one spider. Hopefully the news of the previous deaths has filtered thorough the spider grapevine. Like British sailors in Iranian waters – these eight-legged foes are not welcome. With the surfaces and carpet spotless, and the air filled with the smell of bleach, I enjoyed a lazy afternoon drinking coffee, listening to music and playing Fifa on the PlayStation. The weather was hot, very hot. Days like today make me feel envious of my neighbour downstairs with the garden flat. Still, even if I did have it, I doubt I would use it for fear of being spied upon by the flats above. I’m a little paranoid like that.
Spider Attack!
I saw a big spider last night – the second since moving into my new flat. This is becoming a worryingly frequent occurrence, having not seen one in a whole year at my old flat, Newbridge Hill. I hope my new home is not also a dwelling for a family of spiders – I saw a cluster of babies last week! The spider which invaded my bedroom last night is now dead, having been brought down from the ceiling with vigorous blasts of Raid insect spray, and then pummelled to death with my shoe. I was then left with a problem. As well as having a dead body on my hands, I also had a bedroom which had been filled with insect killer. Not wanting to be gassed to death in my sleep, I had to leave both the door and window open – exposing me to the cold and ironically, more spiders from outside! Does anyone know of any animals which eat spiders? I may get one as a pet.
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