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Glory Glory Leeds United
Yeeeeesssss!!!!! Yeeeeesssss!!!!! Yeeeeesssss!!!!! Yeeeeesssss!!!!! Yeeeeesssss!!!!! Leeds FINALLY won a game, thanks to the wonders of Healy Hobbit Feet grabbing a last minute winner. Following his international games, it brings the Ulster man’s tally to 6 goals in 7 days. Well done David – who needs Wayne Rooney! While Leeds may still be in the dreaded relegation zone, they’re off the bottom and tonight beat Preston, one of the best teams in the division – a match even the most optimistic Leeds fan wouldn’t expect to win. The fight for survival is well and truly on. Come on Leeds! Marching on together.
Let's Go For A Joyride
The trailer for one of the most eagerly awaited games of all time was released yesterday. I am talking, of course, about Grand Theft Auto 4. There has been massive speculation on the internet on what the new, next generation GTA will be like and where it will be set. Creators Rockstar have kept very tight lipped, revealing absolutely nothing until the trailer release yesterday. Based upon the trailer, the game looks like it will take place in New York City, although it does inform us that “Things will be different”. If internet rumours are to be believed, GTA4 may feature more than once city and maybe even multiple countries – backing up rumours of another London based GTA. The graphics are simply jaw dropping. As a massive GTA fan, I am hugely looking forward to this release, which has the potential to be the best game of all time. I am really going to struggle to contain my excitement as the October 19th release date draws closer. To view a lovely high definition trailer, go to GTA4.net. I have also included screenshots from the trailer below. To view a cool, larger screen capture, click on the mini pic.
Scottish ****s!
I nearly shat myself this afternoon. I got back from work to find a bill from my gas company, Scottish Power. Upon opening it, I was shocked to read my invoice for the last month - £181.36!!! Nearly £200 for 28 days of gas! I’m not running a fucking sauna! I immediately rung the company to query the amount and was assured that there was no error and I did indeed owe £181. I found this totally bizarre as my gas usage is minimal. My flat faces south and therefore receives a lot of sun – because of this, the radiators haven’t been turned on once and I have had the windows open most days! I was proving a difficult customer and the poor girl on the phone was struggling. She suggested I check the gas meter. Upon inspection, I discovered where the fault lay. When the gasman came to read the meter, he must have checked the neighbour’s one – idiot! This reduced my bill from £181 to £17.50. This reduction meant that they owed me money, £7.50 to be exact. A lesson from this, kids – always read your bills!
Football Blog
Well done to Northern Ireland and David Healy! 5 goals and 6 points in 5 days. Healy, now score for Leeds!  Sorry Macca, no messages of congratulations for you. Fuck off – you’re worse than Sven. Shave that tuft off your bald slaphead too. 
I Have No Gaydar
I feel naïve. I was chatting with a friend last night and the subject of Radio 1 came up. I was then reliably informed that DJ Scott Mills is gay, something I struggled to believe - however, after consulting Wikipedia (everybody’s reliable source), the rumours were confirmed. Apparently his sexuality has been public knowledge since 2001. I am a regular listener to his afternoon radio show and was surprised I haven’t found out until now! Not that I have a problem with it, just a little surprised that's all. Apparently these other celebrities are also gays - Graham Norton
- Michael Barrymore
- Elton John
- Cristiano Ronaldo*
- Boy George
- George Michael
* For legal reasons, this one cannot be confirmed
I'm Here All Week
A few sick cricket jokes – not for the easily offended. What’s so special about the Pakistan cricket team? They’re the only team to leave the Cricket World Cup with The Ashes England are changing their national sport from cricket to bobsleighing. What’s does Bob Woolmer have in common with bananas? Both left Jamaica in boxes. On a serious note, it’s a shocking a sad loss. Let’s hope they catch the killers. Hopefully the position of Pakistan coach will be filled soon, maybe Steve McClaren could take the job?
Outlawed
After a visit to The Raven pub in Bath for a pie and a pint, I went with Simon and Mr. Watkins to watch Outlaw at the cinema. I had been promised extreme violence and chav beatings. Sadly, I was left disappointed. The movie was shit and the acting diabolical. A scene where Danny Dyer returns with his fiancée to a roadside where he was previously attacked, stands out. Fiancée: “Why have you come back here?Dyer: “I don’t know”One piece of acting that all budding drama students should study, taking note on how not to perform! I liked Danny Dyer in Football Factory and Severance, but when he has to play a more serious role, I feel that he is missing something. Hopefully his new film, where he stars alongside the beautiful Gillian Anderson, will be significantly better. It is a shame the movie was so poor, especially after the success of the excellent Hot Fuzz, 2007 was looking a promising year for the UK film industry. Still, I am confident of some more British films making an impact over the next 9 months.
The Truth Is Out There
Check out this new project which I am working on – The X-Files Blog. I have had the fabulous idea of digging out the old X-Files DVDs and watching Seasons 1-9 over the next few months, blogging about each episode. It’ll be a great way to write my thoughts and opinions on the episodes as I watch them, and also record X-File memories from the last 12 years. If you are a fan of the cult series, check out the blog and leave your own comments, opinions and memories. I would love to read them. Sparkster.net, which celebrates its 3rd anniversary next month, will remain as a general interest blog. The X-Files Blog being merely a side project.
$ky!
The Sky engineer called round on Tuesday in another attempt to pick up a signal amidst the forest of trees at the rear of my flat. Yet again he was unsuccessful. He did suggest I contact an independent engineer who doesn’t suffer from a fear of heights, so that a dish could be fitted on the roof – abseiling equipment required. However, I have given up on Sky and just decided to save £37 a month. Now I need to try and get back the £64 which Sky decided to take/steal from my bank account before I even had a dish erected. Apparently refunds are not dealt with over the telephone. Therefore I had to write a letter to somebody in Scotland. Typical - they don’t have a problem taking your money over the phone! Talk about getting blood from a stone!
Leeds To Beat The Drop - JUST
California Love
Mr. Watkins was working last night, so we were unable to have the usual Bomberman evening. As this was the case, I made my own way to town and met Simon at Sainsbury’s. The original plan was to go to Nandos for dinner. We arrived to find a queue of people pouring out of the door. Not wanting to wait for hours to eat, we headed into town to find somewhere else. While wandering the streets of Bath, I realised that the Barca/Real game was on at 9. Desperate to find somewhere showing the match which also served food, we went from pub to pub, hunting for a suitable setting. Alas we couldn’t find anywhere in the whole of Bath City Centre. In the end we admitted defeat and went to California Kitchen in The Podium for dinner. Having had a pint or three earlier in the afternoon, while watching Bath City, I was rather thirsty and promptly ordered a couple of glasses of orange juice. Being a restaurant, supposedly specialising in Californian food, I was a little disappointed to find that instead of freshly squeezed OJ, I was presented with orange juice freshly opened from a carton! Had I had the nerve or indeed the energy to complain, I could have recreated that famous scene from Fawlty Towers involving John Cleese and the demanding American. After a somewhat less than adequate meal, we left and headed back to my flat. The journey home was dangerous. We had to dodge wandering drunks, avoid chavs in Victoria Park and were even accosted by a wandering toad. It startled me, but scared Simon – especially when I threatened to pick it up. I was rather disappointed that I missed the Barca match. After reading the match report, it sounds like I missed a cracker of a game.
Nagger Guy
Did anyone see last weeks South Park? It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that in this latest episode the creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, pushed many boundaries and no doubt gave Comedy Central’s lawyers a major headache. The “N Word” is used no less than 42 times, in a storyline packed with controversy. Still, in South Park fashion, it was very, very funny and a great start to the new season. Before you start to worry that South Park has been taken over by The KKK or BNP, it’s not exactly what you think, and like with many episodes, has a special “I’ve learned something today” meaning. The best line of the show has to be “From now on, if a person uses the word ‘ni**er’, it must be at least seven words away from the word ‘guy’” - just to avoid any offence :o)
Don't Compromise
I was pleased to discover that my local supermarket has started to sell Pukka Pies – the kind you could only previously find in Northern England chip shops and at certain football grounds. Needing to spend £5 in order to claim cashback, I decided to add a Chicken & Mushroom pie to my shopping basket – shame there wasn’t any Chicken Balti ones like you used to find at Elland Road. 20 minutes in the oven – very nice! Something not so tasty is the new Heinz Tomato Soup. For some reason, they thought it clever to add basil to the recipe. Now, fresh basil in soup is lovely, but from a tin in processed form is not. The whole meal was ruined and poured down the sink. It just goes to show, if it's not broken, don’t fix it.
Putrid Meat
Urgh! My brother disgusted me last night. I found out that he had made himself a ham sandwich with meat which had expired on 25th February – nearly 2 weeks ago! Upon examining the remaining slices, I found them to be discoloured, shrivelled up and baring a rather unpleasant odour. I would imagine that eating the sandwich would be like consuming the loose, saggy skin of an old person. This is just typical behaviour of my brother. Like a rat, tramp or scouser (joke!), he'll eat anything, regardless of the expiration date. I am the other extreme, and won't even touch milk which has been left out of the fridge for an hour! I haven't seen my brother since last night, but have heard no reports of his death - therefore I think he is probably OK. I suppose there is a lesson from all of this - whatever won't kill him, will make a tasty snack.
Bed-E-Byes
Since moving into my new flat, I have found myself going to bed a lot earlier on "school nights". Instead of my previous bedtime of 11pm-midnight, I'm tucked up around 10pm. Good thing I say – I feel alot fresher ahead of the weekend, when I will be up later, and I haven't fallen asleep at my work desk once – I am now the model professional! This hasn't been a planned change - although think it is probably linked to various factors. - No TV or broadband internet to waste my evenings on
- No housemates making noise outside my bedroom door
- No housemates preventing access to kitchen & bathroom
- Nicer bed, which makes sleeping more attractive
- Loads more stuff to do at work, which is tiring me out
People say that you require more sleep as you age. I'm 25 next week. It is a worry, as at the rate things are going, by the time I am the same age as Leeds United owner Ken Bates, I will require 87 hours of sleep a day!
Who Let The Dogs Out?
When you eat a kebab, do you ever wonder where the meat may have come from? Hopefully not here.
Get Chelsea Out Of Leeds!
Treachery, incompetence, greed - just some of the words to describe the ongoing farce at Leeds United. If I had my way, all the staff (bar the youth team and tea lady) would be sacked and not step foot in Elland Road again. KEN BATES – ChairmanDecrepit old man from Chelsea. A cancer at Leeds United, hiding behind the fact he saved the club from bankruptcy. On hindsight, I would have taken my chances with the administrators. Charing premium Premiership ticket prices for shit. A large percentage of the local Leeds fans are working class and cannot afford £35 a week - no wonder Leeds have poor crowds. I see Bates is now advertising windows for SafeStyle. A tad ironic that he is offering special deals – the Leeds fans don’t see them. DENNIS WISE – ManagerI never wanted Wise as Leeds manager, however backed him when he took charge, hoping he would turn things around. Five months on and nothing has changed, if anything we are getting worse. Wise seems a nice enough chap, but in reality is clueless, inexperienced and punching above his weight as a football manager. Unprofessional rants to the media about disruptions in the dressing room have not helped Leeds United’s plight. Go back to Chelsea. KEVIN NICHOLLS – Ex-CaptainKevin Nicholls is now up there with Eric Cantona, Lee Bowyer and Harry Kewell. Not for being one of the best players to ever wear the white shirt – he’s been shit. Nicholls is now in “The Elland Road Hall of Shame”. Last week, Nicholls approached Wise and asked if he could return to his previous club, Luton Town. Obviously Nicholls isn’t the strong character he likes to portray. He is a weak, feeble “man”, and if his ambition is to play for a small club like Luton, let him go back. Cunt. ALL THE OTHER PLAYERS (Bar the youth)Useless, overpaid, overrated, overweight failures. The end of the season can’t come soon enough. Whatever division Leeds are in next year, I hope every one of the current squad has fucked off elsewhere. Download my mix of Dennis Wise crying to the media.
White Made Me Do It!
Something terrible happened last night. With a barrel of a gun pressed close to the base of my skull, Mr. White forced me to create a MySpace account!!! As we all know, MySpace is for losers, cunts and gays, but I’m hoping that I can make a difference, and by registering on the network, change these “yobs” into respectable citizens. If I can persuade just one MySpace user to put down the surf board and crack pipe, get a job and start to use the English language correctly, I feel that I would have accomplished something. If you want to see my MySpace account, you can check it out here. Unlike most MySpace accounts, my page contains NO viruses, NO spyware, NO animated GIFs and NO images of 50 Cent.  You won't find any images like this on my MySpace
Massive, Massive C***s!
I'm angry!
This is my angry face
 Over the past month, I have paid my letting agency almost £2,000 in the form of rent, deposits and admin fees. Therefore, you would hope they could get the basics right.
Tuesday afternoon, I called them asking if a Sky engineer could call round on Friday to install a satellite dish. “Not a problem” I was told. When you hear those three words, a rational person would take them to mean “OK” or “We can do that for you”.
Why was it then, that with the Sky engineer minutes from my front door, my letting agency appear to know absolutely fuck all about the arrangement and point blankly refuse to come out. Tossers.
This left me with the embarrassing task of calling Sky, telling them that I have been fucked over by my agents and could they please piss off somewhere else.
Sky have re-booked the installation for Tuesday 13th March. If that doesn’t go through, I think I’ll be committing murder.
Assault On My Bank Balance
These last few days, I have been making hundreds of telephone calls in relation to my recent flat move. It seems that every company, whether it is for gas, home insurance or telephone is out to financially rape you. - Endsleign Insurance - tried to charge me £60 a month for cover. I snubbed them for a company I was “more than lucky” to find.
- BT – all I wanted was a telephone line. Why do I have to keep telling their operators I don’t want any of their broadband packages! Also, why does it cost £25 to reconnect me? Surely it just takes a few clicks on the keyboard?
- Gas/Elec – This was a hard enough task in itself. Originally, NOBODY knew who supplied my gas. At one point I was told I didn’t have a supply, I duly corrected them by saying I could se a blue flame inside my boiler. Now either I have a gas supply, or somebody has stuck a firework inside it.
- Council – Simple enough to sign up. Bath and North East Somerset are rip-off merchants though, charging their residents some of the most extortionate council tax rates in Europe. Personally, I would rather not fund The Spa and Team Bath Football Club!
- Sky – Richard Branston will disagree with me, but unbelievably, Sky have been OK this week. They sent an engineer round on Tuesday to try and install a dish. He couldn’t pick up a signal as the neighbours have a ridiculously high tree in their garden. Sky are coming back tomorrow with an extra tall ladder to put a dish right at the top of the building, apparently for no charge… apparently.
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