Touching Cloth?

Hull Shitty 1-2 Leeds United
YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Leeds FINALLY won a game! Well done to all the lads for beating local rivals and fellow relegation fighters, Hull City. The whole result came as a shock, not least because Matt Heath, one of the worst Leeds players of all time (and there have been loads of donkeys), scored the opening goal!

Like the true fan I am, I followed the game closely on Sky Sports News. It was an extremely nerve wrecking evening, and I was almost touching cloth due to anxiety.

Hopefully this will be the turning point in The Mighty White's season. We'll beat Norwich at the weekend and then destroy QPR and Crystal Palace at Elland Road. Leeds are staying up, Leeds are staying up… I hope!

Believe The Lie

There's a problem with one of the computer systems at work. Every time a user tries to run the application, they are greeted by the error message

CRAPPROG.EXE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO CLOSE. WE ARE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

I am sure every Windows XP user has seen this error message at one point or another. It makes me wonder, are Microsoft genuinely sorry for the inconvenience, or are they just bullshitting us?

With the recent release of Windows Vista, I would like to see a more honest approach from Bill Gates and his 'Microsoft Minions'.

CRAPPROG.EXE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO CLOSE. BUT WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

The Simplest Of Tasks

Along with getting married and starting a new job, moving is supposed to be one of the most stressful things you'll ever do. Fortunately, my current flat change has gone relatively smoothly, until now…

Annoyingly, the one factor which is proving the most tedious is what should normally be the simplest – getting Sky installed.

I managed to convince both the letting agency and local council to allow me to erect a satellite dish, that was easy, but when it comes to ordering the damn system, it all goes wrong.

My telephone call to the Sky order line was answered by someone sounding just like Tobi Anstis (the guy who used to present Children's BBC and went on I'm A Celebrity). He was helpful enough, yet still insisted in reciting all available packages to me (even though I clearly stated that I wanted the Sky Sports Pack).

The problem arose when arranging a delivery address to post my contract and viewing card to. I currently live in a flat on Newbridge HILL but and moving to a flat on Newbridge ROAD in late February. Tobi Anstis point blankly refused to post any material to my current Newbridge HILL address, even though I told him that I would have no access to my Newbridge ROAD flat until the end of next month.

Tobi Anstis had obviously had an argument with Otis the Aardvark and was having none of it. Don't worry though, it just so happens that Johnny McWatkins works for the devil (AKA Sky) and is kicking some ass and pulling some strings for me.

#'end

Press Statement

Just a quick announcement:

I looked round the flat on Newbridge Road (mentioned below) this afternoon and accepted it. I will move in 1st March/late February.

It is fucking excellent and the photos do not do it justice.

More to follow….

Noel Eats His Foot

This clip here has to be one of the funniest things ever to appear on YouTube.

Watch the way Noel back-pedals when he realises his mistake!

Flat Hunting

My flat hunt is still going strong. I am looking round another place tomorrow afternoon. It sounds a lot larger than the flat I looked at the previous week, boasting a double bedroom, large living area, kitchen and bathroom.

Here are a few pictures of it

Actually, that’s Steven Gerrard’s house – a place which I am not at all jealous of.

Here’s the place I want

Nope. That’s not it either. This is tiny flat in Chelsea which made national news after it was sold for £170,000 - no wonder Frank Lampard gets paid so much!

This is the flat I am looking at tomorrow!

Nothing Important Happened Today

Nothing really happened this weekend. Friday night, I met Simon and Mr. Watkins for our weekly Bomberman meeting – the traditional scenes of violence, insanity and melee being ever present.

Saturday I went to watch football. I didn’t make the trip to Elland Road to see Leeds, nor did I travel to Gloucester for Bath City’s away game. I walked down the road to Twerton Park to watch Team Bath. I’m not a fan, but they were playing Kings Lyn, a team challenging Bath City for promotion and I thought I would lend my support to the students of TB (they certanly need it!) in the hope they actually beat KL – which they did. Bath City also won 4-0, which is very, very good. The Leeds result was not as impressive, so I won’t mention it.

Today was just a lazy one. The morning was spent drinking coffee and relaxing after all my exertions yesterday. In the afternoon, Simon came round (note: with a whole bottle of wine to himself) to watch Arsenal play Manchester United. I was very pleased to see the scum get beat 2-1, especially as Arsenal’s winner came so late on in the game. ManU have won so many matches in the dying seconds, it’s nice to see them lose late on for a change.

It’s back to the workplace tomorrow and then flat hunting in the evening. I noticed that the local post office had removed my ‘Wanted’ advert – talk about hindering my plans. I will have to go round and kick some ass tomorrow, or maybe just ask them politely to put my ad back up.

Finally, can anyone make out what this guy is talking about? He phoned into 606 (a football phone in on BBC Five Live) yesterday. The caller certainly doesn’t give the stereotypical, drunken Scotsman image any reason for change.

I Got Blown Off

It’s been really windy in Bath today, and Watkins hasn’t even been to visit. My short walk to work was most treacherous. I daren’t take an umbrella for fear of being propelled into the skies by gale force winds. During my trek to the office, I wished I had phoned in sick and avoided the hazardous conditions.

Me on the way to work

On hindsight it appears I was wise to go to work. When I arrived back at Newbridge Hill (where I live), I was greeted to a scene of mass destruction. The neighbouring B&B had lost its sign - it was completely snapped off in the wind. Apparently the residents are away on holiday, so God knows where the sign had gone – half way to Bristol probably.

The greatest destruction however, was discovered at my flat. Half the chimney had fallen down in the storm, crashing right by the front door. Had someone been standing there, or leaving the flat, they would have surely been killed. As I blog, half the chimney is currently hanging from the roof of the house – it could fall down at any time. Tomorrow morning, on the way to work, I will have to run from my house to the street to avoid "death by chimney".

The whole incident was a tad scary and makes you think how storm related deaths (like these tragedies) occur.

If anybody wants to make a donation to my landlord (for a new chimney) or the B&B (for a new sign) please fill in your credit/debit card details on the DEC website. Forget the tsunami, that took place years ago, Bath is the place in crisis in 2007.

Breaking News

Frank Lampard signs for Aston Villa!

A Letter From America

I found this in my inbox this morning. It made me laugh.

Oh, and well done to Bristol City for beating Coventry in the FA Cup. I am now left with a dilemma. Should I take up an invitation to watch City play Middlesbrough in the 4th Round at Ashton Gate or watch my local side, Bath City play Hemel Hempstead in the league at Twerton Park on the same afternoon? Fingers crossed Sky or the BBC will show the Bristol City game on a Sunday, meaning I can go to both!

Wanted: A Small Plane

In a bid to find a new flat, I am currently spamming local shop windows and notice boards throughout Bath with WANTED ADS.

If you see one, please do not vandalise it or use my mobile number for anything naughty.

---------------
WANTED
FLAT TO LET

Young, non-smoking, professional male requires
self-contained flat in the Newbridge/Weston area of Bath.
1 bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living/dining room. Studio flats also considered.

Please contact Sean on 07816 ******
Leave a message if no answer, I will reply.
---------------

If anyone has an industrial sized laser printer, a lot of paper and a small plane, maybe we could arrange a massive mail drop across the whole of Bath?

Alternatively, if by some massive coincidence, you are a reader of Sparkster.net and have a flat in my desired area, get in touch by commenting on this blog!

Tintin The Chav

Check out these videos on YouTube. Someone has dubbed and re-edited old Tintin cartoons with a modern and northern twist. This one is my favourite.

Champions Of Somerset

Congratulations to Bath City, who today sit 1st in The Southern Premier Division, following a 5-0 win over Cheshunt. I was at Twerton Park this afternoon, and must say it was every bit as good as the score line suggests. In their black and white striped kits, it was hard to tell whether I was watching non-league Bath City or Italian giant’s Juventus… OK, that may have been a little bit of an exaggeration.

Now they top the table, the league title and promotion gateway is Bath’s to throw away. Come on City!

Finally, whether you’re a Bath fan or not, take a look at this clip from today’s game. In it, 30 year old centre back Jim Rollo skins his opponent in a move that John Terry would be proud of. Thanks to Dave P for the clip.

The Curse Of The Golden Bomber

After much thought and financial assessment, I have decided that I should look for a new flat. I currently live in a shared house and while I am happy there, I would like my own place to live, gaining more space and privacy.

Following reading an advert in the property pages of a local newspaper, I looked round a basement studio flat yesterday evening. While it was very modern, clean and homely, the flat was a tad too small for my liking. It did however boast a massive garden – you could have played football on it! I would like somewhere to sit outside in the summer, have a barbecue and a few beers, but I don’t want to pay any excessive charges for the privilege, and I am sure with a garden of that size, it would have been costly. The landlord also came across as a twat. When asked about certain facilities, such as telephone line, he was unclear and muttered strange replies. I turned the place down, but will continue to hunt for a flat.

After the flat hunting, Mr. Watkins called round and we went to collect Simon from work. If you were in Sainsbury’s supermarket around 8pm last night and saw a young man randomly lifting his hand into the air while on a mobile telephone from which screams and shouts were being emitted, that was Simon being watched by us in the car park, hurrying him along.

When Simon eventually dragged himself away from work, we went back to my current flat for the traditional video game session. There was no GoldenEye this week, instead we spent the whole evening playing Bomberman. I won the majority of the games, but Mr. Watkins did win a respectable amount of rounds – even Simon manage to become a short lived champion (a little like Blackburn Rovers winning the Premier League).

The “achievement of the evening” award was justifiably given to Mr. Watkins for his miraculous Bomberman comeback. I was winning 4-0 and was equipped with a Golden Bomberman suit, which gave me double lives. Watkins managed to claw his way back to 4-4 and then go on to win the whole game 5-4. Never mind Liverpool’s comeback in The Champions League, the comeback of the century took place last night in Bath! Well done Johnny McWatkins.

Galaxy High

So, David Beckham is leaving the Real Madrid subs bench to become popular again… in America - the same country where Paris Hilton is watched and adored by millions. Those crazy Yanks, they’ll watch anything (mind you, the UK seems transfixed by that ghastly Jade Goody and her family, so we’re not much better).

There have been no interviews with Sir Becks about the move stateside – until now! Yes, Sparkster.net caught up with Beckham at the Real Madrid B Team training ground to discuss the transfer. In his own words, exclusive for Sparkster.net, here is Golden Balls’ story on the move to LA Galaxy.

“I am really looking forward to leaving Spain. Posh says there are lots of clothes shops for her and a really massive Toys Are Us for me and the boys. I think playing in space will be different to playing in Spain. I like the La Liga league but the La Galaxy league will be much better! Yesterday I watched Space Jam on DVD. That was basketball in space. I hope that La Galaxy will be exactly the same but with football instead. I wonder if Porky Pig and Daffy Duck will play.”

David Beckham, MBE.

Wanted: A Starbucks Coffee

I had a little accident at work this morning. While carrying out my work in a mature and sensible manner (despite claims from colleagues who say I was messing around) the tip of my elbow met the base of the cafetiere. The cafetiere was filled with hot black coffee. The cafetiere fell. The hot black coffee left the cafetiere and ran all over the table, dripping all over the floor, splashing the keyboard, mouse mat and surrounding desktop objects.

I didn't know what to do. I could have caught the cafetiere and prevented the tsunami which was unfolding – I didn't. I could have moved the electronic lamp, keyboard and wireless mouse out of path of the molten coffee – I didn't. I could have run away – I probably should have. Instead, I stood there and laughed – what more can you do?

I won't bore you with the aftermath and tedious cleaning up process, but I will say that the desk next to mine (note: I did NOT destroy my own workspace) is sticky, has a few missing artefacts (they are know coffee stained and in the bin) and has a slight hint of brown about it. On the plus side, the office smells like Starbucks.

You Two Faced Cow!

British Beef, with or without BSE - I’m sticking to it if this is the alternative! Full story here

The animal is normal from its tail until its unusually large head. The calf breathes out of two noses and has two tongues, which move independently, according to Heldreth. There appears to be a single socket containing two eyes where the heads split.

2007 Sucks!

After a very enjoyable week off, I am now back in the workplace, slaving away, tired and having a thoroughly miserable time. OK, maybe the "miserable" part was a tad too far, but I would certainly rather be at home than in the office, and having to leave the flat at 7.40 this morning was a much unwelcome shock to the system!

I think the return to work today has hit me more than in the past. As well as the 9 days out, I have enjoyed extended weekends thanks to the Christmas break, and the few days I did have to work over the festive period, there was very little to do.

It's now January - dark, grey and wet. Roll on the summer, when we can go on our summer holidays for two weeks and moan about the extreme heat and sleepless nights for the other three months.

Rageahole

Last night was the weekly GoldenEye and Bomberman session, although this time without the usual posse. Simon and I were present, Watkins was unavailable. I was informed by text message that his car is “in bits”. For those not in the know, Mr. Watkins bought a car from Leeds. It’s a nice car (although the model escapes me), but like Tubbs from The League of Gentlemen, its insides are all wrong. He is now performing the repairs himself, in time for an MOT inspection next week!

Anyway I digress, in Mr. Watkins’ place, came Mr. White (the one who likes a drink) and Byron - a local 22 year old lad and not the “Lord” who died nearly 200 years ago… still confused?

This is Lord Byron


And this is Local Byron

... I think that's right.

We started the evening with GoldenEye. As usual I became extremely agitated during play, Simon, buoyed Arsenal’s win earlier in the day played in an extremely competitive mood, while Mr. White and Byron kept their stress levels down by drinking heavily. The intense play also drove Byron to cigarettes and caused Mr. White to shout out random profanities and slurs of a blasphemous nature.

And then the accident happened… I had not played my best and was rather erratic. It was late on in the game, a crucial stage, I got shot. Without thinking, the N64 pad left my palms, flew though the air and collided with Simon’s head. Luckily he was not hurt and took it well.

Here is a reconstruction of the incident


"Don't kill me, Simon..."


"Don't fuckin'..."


"... KILL ME!!!"
* SMASH*

It was then decided we play a safer game, so turned our attentions to Super Bomberman 2. Without wanting to sound too boastful, I cruised the game, destroying anyone that dared place a bomb near me.

Although winning is nice, it does get boring, so we finished the evening with a bout of Mario Kart. Not as appreciated as the previous two games and maybe not one that we will play again.

A Dark Day For Students

As they mourn the loss of their savior. More here.

Buy a sandwich toaster.

Fit For A King

As some of you know, I don’t like cooking very much. It’s not that I am unable to, it is because I can’t really be bothered - I openly admit that I am very lazy from that respect.

Therefore, I thought it was about time I did something about the “cooking issue” so made a trip into town to make a purchase… It wasn’t a recipe book, neither was it a mail order bride who can cook. I bought a toasted sandwich maker - £12.99 from Argos.

I tested it out this evening by cooking myself a fine dinner consisting of cheese, tomato and onion toasted sandwiches. I will use a tad less cheese next time, it melted and went everywhere. I think there was more cheese on the work surface than in-between the slices of bread!

The sandwich was adequate at best. Can’t really complain though, it was cheap and quick to make. The only problem was that it took all of five minutes to clean up the mess caused by the cooking process – unacceptable.

The Magic Of The FA Cup

Good luck to Leeds tomorrow in the FA Cup against West Brom.

While I’m ever the optimistic when it comes to Leeds United, I can’t see them reaching the final, yet alone winning the damn thing. That said there is one man who believes they can do it…

Chav United

In the past, Leeds United have been world famous for creating some excellent football players through their youth academy. Notable players include Alan Smith, Harry Kewell, Aaron Lennon and England goalkeeper, Paul Robinson.

Unfortunately, Leeds haven’t been doing so well of late and most of these youth players have left for bigger clubs like Manchester United and Liverpool. Even smaller, inferior clubs like Tottenham have stolen some of our “babies”. There are also unconfirmed reports that an unnamed Arsenal manager kidnapped some of the very young boys. This was never proved and all the boys were returned safe and well (if not a little shaken and sore).

Even with all the turmoil at Leeds United, the club have still found the time (and money) to produce some young lads who can play decent football. The trouble is, most of them are chavs and have their very own MySpace pages. Aaarrrggghhh!

If you want to see the future of English football, check out their pages. Rest assured, England won’t be winning The World Cup in the next 20 years.

Chav #1 - Nathan Cartman ("Beef Caaake! Beeef Caaake!")
Chav #2 - Ross Wilkinson (After the state of his MySpace page, I hope they don't test him for drugs)
Chav #3- Tomi Ameobi (If he shares the talent of his brother, Leeds are screwed)
Chav #4 - Matty Edwards (The most respectable one so far)
Chav #5 - Josh ??? (Apparantly a Leeds United youth. Sounds to me like a pisshead - will fit in well)
Chav #6 - Phil Stansfield (I'm a professional footballer for Leeds Utd but might be lookin for a new club! - well "Fuck you" then)

On a serious note, good luck to all the Leeds youths. I hope you can break the first team and make an impact. We need you!

Impulse Buying

Yesterday and today I went into town, my first venture into the city centre post-Christmas. I had received a few vouchers for Christmas and was keen to spend them in what was left of the January Sales.

A summary of what was purchased:

NEXT
Various T-Shirts going cheap in the sales. You can’t really go wrong with tees, unless they’re some obscure colour, have some strange logo plastered all over them or belong to Manchester United FC. I also bought a light grey hoodie. Although it wasn’t in the sale, I thought it was worthy of the £25 price tag. I had £5 left on my gift card, so bought a box of poker chips – totally random, but may come in useful.

WHITTARDS
For those not in the know, Whittards make fancy teas and coffees. Having been inspired by what my sister bought my aunt, I purchased a gift box of coffees from around the world. As they were half price, I bought two.

HMV
I had a HMV voucher to spend and no idea what to buy. I decided upon Fifa 07 for the Xbox 360. I already have this game on the PlayStation 2, but the 360 version boats superior graphics and online play.

WHSMITHS
A packet of playing cards for £1.99. Can be used with poker chips from Next.

Yesterday evening I discovered
1) The hoodie was too big. If I had wanted a big, baggy skaterboarders hoodie, I would have gone to a chav shop
2) Fifa 07 skipped on my Xbox. I also couldn't get online to play on Xbox Live.
3) Worldwide coffee tastes of shit. Well the Jamaican coffee I tried does

Therefore
1) I returned to Next TODAY and swapped the hoodie for a smaller size
2) I also returned to HMV and swapped Fifa 07 for a working copy. I still cannot play it online.
3) I will not drink Jamaican coffee again

While in town today, not only did I return half of what I bought yesterday, I also made some other purchases…

- A stupid amount of DVDs from the HMV sale
- Bath’s very own version of Monopoly. Expect a full review after I play it soon.
- Some ornaments for my bedroom to surround the fish tank (a wooden lizard and fish)
- A slice of pizza from the pasty shop. The pizza was more like a deep fried slab of cheese – not nice. It ended up in the bin

New Year My Arse

New Years Eve was spent in the company of Simon and Mr. Watkins. We started the evening by going to everybody’s favourite restaurant, Garfunkles. Alongside my predictable chicken dish, I was encouraged by Simon to be adventurous and instead of ordering a Carling, try a cocktail. I can’t remember what it was called, but it contained vodka, Baileys, some other spirit, ice cream and whole cream. Had they included a couple of cigarettes and a heroin syringe, I think I would have had everything bad for the human body in one single glass.

After the meal we went back to my flat where we played various emulated games. It was just like any other evening. Watkins screamed like a mental patient, I became increasingly violent, while Simon turned into Mr. Ultra Competitive - a personality trait only seen when he plays videogames, football or watches Arsenal on TV.

After Watkins left things became bad – well hazy and blurred. The plan for New Years Day was for Simon and I to go to Chippenham to watch the mighty Bath City take on their local rivals. Earlier that day, Simon was unfortunate enough to be caught in a terrible English monsoon in Homebase car park. The soaking put him right off going to Chippenham on New Years Day. What’s wrong with catching an unreliable train, walking 2 miles to a death trap of a football ground to watch 22 amateurs kick a leather ball around a field of mud? I ask you…

I am just as stubborn as he is, so there was no way I was going to back down on New Years Day – I wanted to watch Bath. We were going, or at least I thought we were. On the evening of Sunday 31st December 2006, Simon performed an illegal and ungentleman-like act. He poisoned me.

I was happy to drink soft drinks all evening. I must have had 5 glasses of orange juice and another 5 of Dr. Pepper. All the time totally unaware that Simon was filling each glass with massive amounts of vodka from my spirits shelf. By 2am I felt like Mr. White on a weekday afternoon – a tad drunk. I went to bed and immediately fell asleep.

I awoke the following morning shivering and feeling rather unwell. The last thing I wanted to do was leave the flat and go to Chippenham. Simon had won. He had poisoned me with my own poison and prevented me from watching Bath City play. The bastard. Still, at least I had a bottle of vodka for him to use. Had that not been present, he may have had to use his own poison, polonium-210 – the same stuff he gave to that Russia fella.

If you would like to read Simon’s version of events (all lies), check out his new blog.